Hi all, last time I posted I was in a really dark space so firstly I'm OK haha. I've sorted through some issues. Thankfully I have been able to reduce my work hours and the intensity of what I do when I'm at work, and remain financially alright. Because I have time and energy, I've been able to get involved in more support for my mental health and trauma. I've begun to socialise again. I am still coming up against difficult family stuff, that hurts like hell.
I accept that I live with emotion regulation difficulties, and my feelings can be so intense. I'm also no longer apologising for this part of my personality. I've been shamed relentlessly and wished I was not so "sensitive", but I'm over that crap. Anger is probably one of the hardest ones for me. It takes a while to register, and then I'm really irritable and growly for extended periods of time. Sometimes I just rage. Rages used to be rare but dangerous because I would lose control and mess things up royally. Nowadays I can keep it under an 8 out of 10 on the intensity scale (10= fury). I can be assertive and reasonable when I'm pretty mad now, and sometimes I need to do that. I've had to do a lot of work on boundaries & all sorts of things to move out of the placid frozen- raging psycho thing I was in.
I did my 12 months of DBT some years ago now, I still have a DBT therapist but we're working on the trauma (2nd level DBT stuff) and I still practise mindfulness. I meditate most nights, and I've only just been to practise the "accepting feelings" ones recently. It's good to feel these emotions in a place where my brain is not totally hijacked by adrenaline. I've been afraid to deliberately go towards the hurt or pain that's come up, but I think if you can do it in a safe place it gets less scary over time. Would not recommend for rookies.
Other stuff that's been keeping me sane... Really trying to move my body more. I've been reading the studies on exercise & mood, and I can't really refute them. I've joined up the yoga classes again & try to walk to the shops instead of drive, stuff like that. Massage and acupuncture helps. Having enough (hate the cliche') "work life balance" has been the main key to getting somewhere with this stuff honestly. And I do say this from a place where I know I'm one of the lucky ones that I've been able to put something together that works for now. Trying to find more supportive kind people to be a part of my life, too. That's a work in progress.
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13 YARN