Lived Experience Forum

[greenpea]

@Nay69 That is really tough. My son2 has just gotten up so I have to go but will be thinking of you today. Be strong as telling someone they are fat  (particularly a woman) is really low and desperate and you deserve better than that and you know it. Will be on later to check in on you. Love greenpea xx

[greenpea]

@Nay69 I will be back later this morning if you want to talk. I will say a lil prayer for you. You will get through this, you reached out and there are people listening. Hang in there.  Love greenpea xxx

[Nay69]

Thanks so much @ greenpea❤️

[Nay69]

@Faith-and-Hope @greenpea
I truly appreciate you being there for me right now. I’m so tired and I have to be at work soon 😔
I don’t know how I am going to do it but I’m going to find a way

[Faith-and-Hope]

Your husband’s behaviour has to be stopped @Nay69. When my husband had started fat-shaming (it’s something his family do) I spoke up to him about it in the first instance, and he demanded we see our family doctor, expecting that the doctor would support his perspective.  In our state at the time, I needed to have my husband with me to be able to talk about what was happening with him, and that was my chance.  I made the appointment about him, and it took us to the brink of separating, but even if it had taken us to separation and divorce, it had to be done.  That was the beginning of getting support people involved with our family and trying to sort things out from the inside, and getting boundaries and accountability established.  I have also spent time with a psychologist to support my own mental health, because the burden is too great to try to manage on my own, as is yours, and anyone else in a position where they have to say no to abuse.

Getting that accountability inside our walls hasn’t made things perfect, but it has created enough shields that abusive incidents like yesterday are infrequent now, and they don’t go without being called out.  My husband knows that I can and will take it further to get help if he persists.  There are people who can support you to do the same with your husband, and support you to leave him if that will be better for you and your daughter.  

Abuse is never okay, even if there are reasons behind why it is happening.  Addressing those reasons can be a starting point, but it is still calling out the abuse and saying no to it, and if that doesn’t make it stop (which doesn’t happen overnight because you have to undo patterns that have set in place) then leaving might be the best course of action.

if you feel at any point that you and your daughter are in danger, then leave ..... go to the police or hospital and let them know you are in trouble, or call 000 if you need help to come straight to you.

@greenpea is right, drinking won’t solve anything and it will make things worse for you in the longer run, having to battle addiction as well.  Keeping a clear head is important.  Be brave.  You have choices.  You can do this .....

💜💜💜

[greenpea]

@Nay69 Hi Nay69 I will be here throughout the day if you want to talk. Take care of yourself and don't let anyone drag you down. greenpea

[Sophia1]

hello @Nay69

My heart goes out to you...

Belittling a person in any way is very  cruel..

Abuse of any kind be it physical or verbal is straight out unacceptable behaviour..

I understand how you are feeling confused and frightened...

I did not even see my marriage of 17 years as abusive until after talking to a specialist who gradually allowed me to realise that my continuing to be there was another form of accepting his behaviour in his eyes...There had been a couple of occasions of physical action...ongoing verbal put downs...stand over tactics...

It took me three years to make the decision...I wanted my children to see me smile...

I had insisted on counselling previously for saving the marriage...he went once and said that he did not need to go but I could continue..

Then later another attempt at counselling...we were given homework...he asked me to do his...I told him his choice whether he did it or not...counsellor knew...he stopped going then...I saw her for a few more times on my own...She advised me that he was not going to change ...he believed that he was right...end of story..

Then when I said that I was finally leaving...he almost cried and pleaded with me to stay...how could I leave him..say that to him out of the blue...again he made himself sound like the victim...he was losing his control over me...

I felt a lot stronger as a person by this time...he was very aware of this and was quite lost...I found myself feeling sorry for him...putting his feelings before mine......

I agreed to go to counselling to help support my children during the process of separating...

yes it was still hard...

we still made decisions together re boys...on one occasion ex husband asked if we could get back together ...older son shouted out loud no dont you dare....(he had a stutter and rarely spoke out in that way)

later over the years both boys have asked why on earth I married him...they both have told me that he does not have conversations with them...he does not have conversations full stop unless about himself..

Verbal abuse in a relationship can sometimes be far worse than physical abuse...because it is done over a period of time...often in a clever way so as not to be overheard....pushing into your personal space..up close to your face...with a cold voice....behind closed doors so that other family members and friends do not see...my family loved my husband as he was a nice person to them..he has a brilliant sense of humour which still makes me laugh..

The longer you stay and hear the abuse...as even though you tell him that you will not listen to that...it is unacceptable...he still gets to say it...in his own mind...he still feels that he is controlling you..

children do not have to hear the words or witness arguing...name calling...they are very astute and can sense atmospheres..

Another problem is that they make us feel guilty....turn it onto us that we are letting down the children...upsetting the family...they  want us there under their thumb...under their control...

Yes definitely have counselling for yourself.....tell him that you are doing so...he might ask to have joint counselling ..if he does great....let him make that move...show him that you are a strong individual who has a right to be respected..

Make your own decision about whether or not you stay...

It is not for me or anyone else to advise you on that...unless they see that your life is in danger...then they do have the right to tell you so...

Lastly if you decide to leave...do not fall into the trap of telling your child how bad their father is....that person is still the father...the child has the right to form their own opinion...do not be tempted to make them take sides...they will possibly try this game with you..

This is a very difficult time for you....what I have written above might be very hard to read...I am sorry for that part....I do wish that someone had  had this conversation with me though ...I would have left far earlier....when  I did eventually leave...my therapist actually said thank goodness for that...you should have left him years ago..

Also do not go down the track of feeling that you failed either....

He will possibly try to make you feel that way...blame it all on you...

It takes great inner strength to walk away..

Yes we lose financially often as everything is halved....

money ...materialism...possessions are not important in the whole scale of things...

self respect is imperative...

We have met at times to support older son ...talk often on the telephone to update each other re any news...

I have managed to get past thinking about myself....now when I speak to him...I speak to him as the father of my children only...

I wish you all the best and will continue to support you if you would like..

I will also support you with whatever decision you make without judgement...

this is your life and only you can decide what is best for you and your child moving forward...

tag me

Sophia

[Nay69]

Thanks so much @Faith-and - hope

I have called him out and he also has a DVO on him that is due to expire in November... all I have to do is contact the police and they will reinstate it for another year. I am more than happy to do it because this behaviour is destroying me.
He feels like he hasn’t done anything wrong but he is only fooling himself.
The more that I open up and talk I feel my strength and resolve coming back to me x
❤️ Big hugs my friend

[Nay69]

@Sophia1
You have hit the nail on the head.
I understand everything that you have said and I can relate to all of it.
I am getting stronger every day just by reaching out and I thank the lord for friends like you who actually care.
I will not give up. I go to counseling weekly but ironically it is these forums that help me the most because I get support and advice from people who have been there and understand what
I am going through. Sometimes we need to hear the painful and difficult truths to be able to move forward in a constructive and positive way.
Much love xoxo ❤️

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hugs @Nay69 ..... ❤️