Separating the behaviour from the illness

[UprightRabbit]

@SJT63 

Do one small exercise, just to humour me. What if your best friend in the world- someone who's always cared about you, would drop it all to help, and isn't wrapped up in it so they have objectivity - described this situation? They tell you that you aren't allowed to sleep, that their partner is frequently verbally and emotionally abusive, and that they feel trapped and exhausted. What would you say to this friend, for whom you want only the best? What would you suggest they do? Would you encourage them to stay or would you move heaven and he'll to get them out and into the intensive psychological rebuilding and healing they are likely to need once they are out?

You don't owe this man your sanity. You don't owe him your physical or mental health. You don't owe him your soul. 

It might all seem relatively normal to you at the moment but I'm sitting over here looking at it from the outside, and it's not. I know you love him and want to rescue him but you can't, and staying is showing him that his behaviour is okay by you. 

I have strong recommendations that include self-protective measures you could take to preserve yourself. If young children are seeing this, there is no choice to be made other than the most obvious one. This is serious. 

Love, Rabbit.

[UprightRabbit]

@FindingStrength 

Wanted to tag Darcy too but couldn't 

@greenpea 

[greenpea]

@Former-Member  for @UprightRabbit  :).

[SJT63]

@UprightRabbit  I've been thinking about this all afternoon now (instead of working, what a surprise).

I clarify the following... the children are 15 & 17 and they are his, not mine. The eldest now drives (my old car) and the boys choose to spend time with their father as often as possible. Both are on the spectrum like their dad.

.. and I know I can't fix him. I have never tried, I just try to hold what's left of his life together until he returns to it. It has never gone on this long before. When he is himself, I have never laughed in all of my 50+ years as much as I laugh when I am with him, I just haven't seen him since May. I miss him.

I also know that I sound just like an abused wife who makes the excuse that when he's sober he's really sorry. I know how it sounds. That is my dilemma; I am too smart to be letting this happen to me, and yet......

I am the sort of person who brings casseroles, or home baked bread. If my friend had told me that story but been adamant she didn't want to leave I would have found practical ways to help her so that she didn't have to worry about all the other things she has on her plate and could concentrate on just surviving Mark this week - and resting - I can see she needs rest.

I would have brought meals for him and the boys around, I would have done her dishes, cleaned her bathroom and swept her floors instead of asking her to make me another dozen Covid masks and alter a dress.

I would have booked a weekend away up the coast and told Mark I needed her for a couple of days to help me through my own crisis; and then either stayed with her or left her alone, whichever she preferred.

we both know you are right, but I still can't

much admiration for your strength.

Love, S

[UprightRabbit]

Hi @SJT63 

It's your choice and yours alone. I completely get how good things are when they're good. I wasn't kidding with my relationship, I was in it forever because when he was on, he was golden. 

It's just that it sounds like, a LOT to cope with. I wonder if he were of good mental health if he'd even want you to put yourself through this. I'm glad you got some sleep last night at least and I hope you get a lot more. If you believe you can soldier on, then I believe that too. 

Here for you to vent, get a senses check, whatever you need. If your position changes or stays the same, still here for you. You are tough. 

Rabbit. 

[UprightRabbit]

Me again lol @SJT63 

Two points I offer for your eventual consideration: Would you give yourself a reappraisal date? You say it's been this way since June. Maybe promise yourself that if nothing had changed by a certain date, like October, that you'll make a full appraisal of things by then?

Second, my psych pointed out that I might even be enabling or holding my partner back, by always minimising or cushioning him from the results of his actions. I want this to work out for you, but foremost I want you to be ok.

Love Rabbit.

[SJT63]

Persistent little bunny aren't you @UprightRabbit ? He is lucid and reasonable tonight. I am definitely having a weekend away next weekend so whatever the next week brings I can hang on until then. 

I worry about enabling too, so I no longer intercede when he is ranting at others or try to head things off at the pass so much. I accept that it's not my responsibility to keep him out of trouble. 

He turns 60 in November. If we are all still walking on eggshells by then I think camels backs will be broken. Love S

[SJT63]

@UprightRabbit 

I slept in the boys' room last night so woke up feeling ok. He was himself last night so he has agreed that I can go away next weekend even though it's his mother's birthday on the Sunday. I'll back by lunchtime anyway and she lives in NSW so we can't go visit. I booked it immediately before either of us had a chance to rethink.

A little cabin in the Gold Coast hinterland where I will watch Netflix and sew for the entire time. Sewing has always been my happy place.

It turns out my psychologist isn't working in her practice at the moment but has agreed to skype with me after hours soon. All positive steps to turn off my hair trigger. The slightest little whoopsie at the moment sends me scurrying into cowed and anxious mode and sometimes it's that he gets the most upset about. I put that down to guilt, because deep down he knows darn well that it's his mood swings making me so vulnerable at the moment.

As I've said, I'm usually pretty good at not taking it to heart, it's only that it's gone on for so long. Next weekend will give me the breathing space I need to tackle this rationally and calmly again.

I thank you for your ear, and for challenging me.. keep it up.

You are a treasure!

Love, S

[SJT63]

@UprightRabbit 

He's been pretty good today. Minor glitch from which I thought we'd come good but no, 11:30pm I wake up for paracetamol and I am thoughtless and deceitful because I do not keep it on the bedside table which apparently he has been telling me to do for over a year. Had I known it was an instruction I would have obeyed as always. Much door slamming as he storms off to the boys' room. On the upside, at least I get the nice bed tonight. I have no idea why he stays with me if I make his life so miserable.

[UprightRabbit]

Hi @SJT63 

Imagine a whole weekend  of sewing, Netflix, and alone- what joy! What are you working on? I've made great inroads on my crochet hexagon blanket lately while watching Dance Moms lol. 

Very happy for you and also that your psych will be about. Mine is Tuesday. 

Bit crap at the moment, 3 hrs sleep and Dog One has a minor injury that shook me unduly. And doing a b****y kids birthday party today 😣 och weel. 

We carry on. We are gorgeous and tough and organised.