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clh1
Casual Contributor

Newbie here

Hi all, I’m new here. 

 

My partner (27yo male) has been struggling with severe depression since he was a teenager, and is also diagnosed with ADHD. He really struggles to motivate himself to exercise, eat properly or do any activity that doesn’t produce instant dopamine (i.e., computer games, scrolling tiktok, gambling) even though he always says how much he wants to stop doing those things and focus on getting better.  

 

I have tried to encourage him to go to therapy several times, and he always says he will, yet never books the appointment. I have offered to book it for him and drive him there but he says he needs to do it himself. I understand it is his own personal journey and you can’t force someone to help themselves, so I don’t push the issue and just let him know I’m here for him, particularly since I have suffered from depression myself before and I know it doesn’t help to always have someone on your back about getting therapy. It makes you feel like you’re not loved or good enough just as you are. 

I’m just really struggling at the moment because I feel like his attention and focus is always elsewhere, and I feel isolated, alone and uncherished. I don’t tell him when I feel these things anymore because he says it makes him feel like he is doing a bad job. People with ADHD have often lived with this type of feeling their entire lives and I want him to always know he has a partner who loves and supports him just as he is, but it is just really hard sometimes to not feel like I have that too. I don’t know what to do. We don’t go anywhere together anymore, or laugh together, or talk about our future. He is always so tired. He barely even sees me and if I mention any of this to him he just withdraws more, even if I speak calmly and with “I” statements. 

 

I know he loves me and I can’t imagine how hard it is for him to even get through the day most of the time. I just don’t know how to help him and it’s starting to affect me too, but then I feel like I’m just making it about me. I don’t know. I just feel really alone. 

11 REPLIES 11

Re: Newbie here

Hello @clh1 welcome to the forums💛 I'm sorry that no one has replied to you yet.

 

I have read your post & Im sorry I don't have any advice for you☹️ I think you have explained what you are experiencing very clearly.

 

I also live with a friend who has Mental health diagnosis. I could absolutely relate to every word you wrote. It is unfair that we have to sacrifice parts of ourselves within the relationship. It is very difficult to explain to other people & the entire experience is isolating, on many levels.

 

If I had the solution - I would share it with you in a heartbeat.

 

Here's what I know.

 

The distance you are experiencing with your partner is making you feel very alone.

 

I know from my experience - that this makes me sad & contributes to my own depression (another sacrifice.)

 

You are not alone though💜 I go through all the same things you mentioned.

 

Trying to find the perfect balance between compassion & honouring yourself.... It's exhausting!!

 

We can only do, what we can do.

 

In my situation, we can have good days where I don't question myself at all. Then we can have bad days. I didn't do anything different. I woke up - & it was his MH that determined a bad day for me.

 

Lately, the bad days are more frequent. I'm drawing on reserves that I have never had to before.

 

I think you can probably relate to everything I'm writing. You might be alone (from your partner)..... You are not alone💛

 

I will tag a few other members. Hopefully they can suggest things that might be helpful to you as well?

 

Sending you friend vibes xx 

 

@ShiningStar @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @tyme @Appleblossom @hanami 

 

 

 

 

Re: Newbie here

Hello @clh1 

I had a relationship with a man who had serious mental health challenges and felt many of the things you posted about.  It is not easy.  (understatement)

 

One image suggested to me, is that it can become like 2 people panicking over a raft or a lifeboat and pushing the other off.  Then there is the Oxygen mask thing .. about self care and looking after yourself enough to be able to care for another.

 

Sometimes there is a push pull in relationships, and if you are able to find things and people that are good for you, he may have a wake up call and start to care about his relationship.

 

'Mental health issues' should not be used as a 'get away free' card for behaving badly or not putting into relationships.  Not doing the things that feed relationships and times together is unwise, but I had that problem in my relationship.  In the end I left.  Today we had a civilised conversation that needed to be had for the good of children.  I reassure myself, that I did my best and things could have turned out a lot worse.  Not great hope for you, but you are both unique and your life journeys will be different.

 

I am hopeless at setting boundaries but if you are good at it, try a few.  Some people try and get away with stuff.  Love has to be more than just a feeling.

 

Being an ostrich with a head in the sand does not help either.

Take Care

Re: Newbie here

Hi @Appleblossom and @maddison 

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel like what I’ve been missing is a group of peers who are experiencing or have experienced something similar in the past. 

 

@Appleblossom its great that you are able to have civilised conversations with your ex partner. Sometimes staying together is not the best path and it sounds like you really needed to put yourself and your family first in your situation. 

And @maddison  I REALLY connected with what you said about trying to find the balance between compassion and honouring yourself. It’s like walking a tightrope sometimes. 

I just have questions running around in my head all day:

Will he ever seek help? Will it be like this forever? What will happen when we have children? Am I enabling him by always being there? Why do I feel so angry and resentful of him sometimes when this isn’t his fault?


I feel like I’ve jumped straight into complaining and not explained what a wonderful person he is. He’s the type of man to pull over if he sees a lost dog in the street. The type of man to help a struggling stranger, do the dishes after you’ve cooked, and kiss you goodbye every morning. 

 

He still does those things, and I make great effort to tell him how much I appreciate it, but it feels like he’s on autopilot. His energy is always sapped and he doesn’t know himself or love himself. And then I try so hard to hold it together but I end up saying the wrong thing or getting hurt by his distance (and then it’s ME who withdraws!). It just feels like a happy life is slowly being taken away from us. We are in our 20’s, aren’t we supposed to be enjoying it? 

I actually realised the other day I’ve never got to experience a relationship where the other person is not experiencing mental health issues or is well enough or happy enough to actually be present with me and put effort into the relationship. Go me, right? 

Anyway. Reading through the posts on this forum has brought me some comfort, particularly all of the strong women and men who have been supporting their partners and families for a long time. I knew I wasn’t the only one going through it but it does help to see it first hand and hear from people in similar situations. 

Thank you both again. I hope you have a great week. 

Re: Newbie here

Hi @Appleblossom and @maddison 

 

Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I feel like a group of peers who are going through something similar is exactly what I needed. 

@Appleblossom I’m so glad you were able to have a civilised conversation with your ex partner. It sounds like the healthiest thing for you to do in your situation was to put yourself and your family first. 

And @maddison wow, I REALLY resonated with what you said about finding the balance between being compassionate and honouring yourself. It’s like walking a tightrope sometimes. 

I feel like I’ve jumped straight into complaining about my partner and not explained what a wonderful person he is. He’s incredibly kind, the type of man who will pull over if he sees a lost dog in the street. The type of man who will help a struggling stranger because it’s the right thing to do, wash the dishes if you’ve cooked, and kiss you goodbye every morning. 

He still does these things, and I make sure I ALWAYS tell him how much I appreciate it, but lately it feels like he is just on total autopilot. I am the type of person who will love you for our connection and for who you are inside, not for what you “give” me in a relationship. But at the moment our connection is so limited. I’d love nothing more than for him to go and talk to someone and have even offered couples counselling but he was not raised in a family where it’s okay to be open about your feelings, and therapy is something that’s really hard for him to go and do. 

I just have these questions constantly swirling around:

Will he ever seek help or will it be like this forever? What will happen when we have kids? Why do I feel so angry and resentful of him sometimes when this is not his fault?

 

Some days I just absolutely say the wrong thing and he withdraws, and some days it is me who withdraws after being hurt by his distance or lack of effort (or even just after being consumed by my own thoughts). I realised the other day I’ve actually never been in a relationship with someone who isn’t experiencing mental health issues and has been happy to be there and participate in the relationship. Go me, right? 

Anyway. I knew I wasn’t the only one who could be experiencing this, but reading everyone’s posts on this forum has helped some, particularly those strong men and women who have been supporting their partners and families a long time. Love to hear all of the self care and coping strategies. 

Have a great week everyone, and thank you again for taking the time for me today. 

Re: Newbie here

@clh1 

Good to get to know you better. 

 

Its nearly 40 years since that relationship started. I was with him 16 years, and 20 years as an ex.  

 

Sounds like your ex is used to being on the margins and has empathy for others in that situation.  Empathy is not only in people who are popular and have lots of friends.  The new digital addictions are sometimes trickier than substances.  

 

There are a range of ways to participate in the forums from social chit chat to deeper threads.

Gently Bently

Apple

Re: Newbie here

Hi @clh1 I don't visit this side of the forum much but wanted to welcome you and hope others here will be able to support you.

Re: Newbie here

Hello and welcome @clh1 

How are you going today xx

I have 2 stepsons with Adhd and my husband has been diagnosed with  Adhd and other diagnosis 

Sending you lots of understanding hugs as my boys are soo awesome and it is very hard for them to change and it is hard for their partners 

The biggest tip I can say is to take them as they are and to encourage the positive 

Please ask me any questions xx

I will tag you onto a adhd thread for you 

@TuxedoCat 

 

Re: Newbie here

thank you for the tag @Shaz51 and hi @clh1. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. 

 

Shaz51 tagged me because they know I have ADHD. So I'll share a few things from my own experience ❤️ 

 

Firstly, I can absolutely hear how much you care for your partner. They are so lucky to have someone who has that much care for them. But I can also hear how much sadness this relationship can bring you at some points. And I think it is completely understandable to feel resentment in situations like this ❤️ 

 

Secondly, my ADHD definitely can make caring for my MH more challenging. But not impossible. It sounds like your partner has other things going on, but ADHD is a lifelong condition that we can't ride out. So I'm a big believer that all ADHDers need to learn to cope and manage it to live a fulfilling life. 

 

For me, it wasn't until I treated my ADHD that I was properly able to do the "basics" of mental health (eating well, exercising, sleeping well) because my executive function was so difficult to manage. 

 

So, to answer one of your questions: Will he ever seek help or will it be like this forever?

It doesn't have to. But your partner has to come to this realisation himself. He will have to realise that he has some control and power over himself in order to see getting help as useful. For me, these are some things which helped

 

Also, I wonder if speaking to someone over the phone about this could also help you and your partner? 

  • The SANE drop-in line could be useful to get any other ideas, especially on how to approach conversations
  • Relationships Australia can also be really useful to find resources or to call for some other advice too

What do you think of this? 

Re: Newbie here

Very true @TuxedoCat and thank you 

My stepson 2 is on medication and has seems to have developed a life pattern 

 

My stepson 3 is not taking anything medication wise to help him , he rings his dad very regularly to talk 

Both my husband and stepson 3 everything happens in 3s 

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