Lived Experience Forum

[RoseOh]

HI there everyone. I am finally posting, I've come to the point where reading other peoples poss isn't enough. I'm so lost, I'm so lonely, I'm so sick of trying my absolute hardest and constantly failing. Am I the common denominator? Am I truly the problem? Even if that's the case, the harder I try, the more I seem to screw everything up. I don't want to die but I don't want to keep living like this. I've got a mental health care tean and plans in place. I'm just so deflated and lonely and my poor partner has to live with ne clinging off her when she's home from work because I'm so lonely. 

I had a fight with my Nanna of all people, shes the only other person I trun to. I'm just done with feeling so low - even when I'm happy, that impending doom is just sitting there, waiting to break free from a shell thats made of stone. 

[CalmingNature]

Hi @RoseOh,

I really hear how lonely and low you're feeling but I want you to know that you aren't alone in this. I'm glad that you have your partner, Nanna and mental health care team but I understand feeling like you're the problem - I've had those thoughts and doubts in the past myself. From my experience, often when I have felt like I was the problem, my family, friends and mental health care team havent thought the same way but it's very difficult to manage and challenge these thoughts.

I also really resonate with what you've said about not wanting to die but not wanting to keep living as you are. While I don't know your situation I want to let you know that I have been in a similar place - it can be a pretty dark and scary place but we hear you and can help support you through this difficult time. You've already shown so much strength by opening up a conversation on the forums. I'm glad you've found these forums and I'm sure other community members will jump on shortly and offer some additional support.

Take care, CalmingNature 

[RoseOh]

Thank you so much for your caring reply. Calming nature suits you well ! 

Its frustrating being stuck between the rock and hard place of wanting to live and wanting to not live the way you're living. 

Thank you for making me feel less alone about that. 

I did try to do some things this morning but I am now back in bed and can't really move. I've got pins and needles from crossing my legs for so long and I don't even care. It's all just a bit much today. 

Thank you for welcoming me to the community. 

[CalmingNature]

It's a pretty uncomfortable place to be stuck in my experience but I'm glad that you feel less alone about being there now @RoseOh. I also hope you find your way out of that place soon.

I'm sorry its all a bit much today but it says a lot that you tried to do some things this morning - again, you're showing strength! 

[RoseOh]

Thank you, I guess even doing little things in the morning doesn't mean I have ruined my whole day just because I feel depressed now and am stuck in bed in a zombie like position. 

The meds don't seem to be working today either so I think it's a combination of a lot of crap, its been a big week. 

Thank you for listening to me, I really appreciate it. 

[chibam]

Hi @RoseOh , and Welcome to the forums!

I can relate to a lot of what you talk about, particularly the parts about seeming to be at odds with everyone else; screwing things up not matter how hard we try; and wondering if we're the problem. That last one's been weighing on me, too, recently.

I keep getting caught up in the paradox of the square peg that won't fit into the round hole. Is it the peg's fault for not being round? Or the hole's fault for not being square? Likewise, is it our fault for not fitting neatly into the world? Or the world's fault for not being moulded to fit us well? Maybe it's a bit of both; or maybe it's neither. I haven't been able to figure it out.

I'm sorry to hear about your fight with your Nanna. I hope you manage to patch things up soon.

Hope you are feeling better.

[outlander]

hi @RoseOh and welcome

i understanding the feeling of being zombie like too. its not an easy emotion to manage but youve done well on reaching out for some supports.

perhaps there is a mental health support group you could join or an interest group to help you make some more friends as well?
its so hard being lonley. i understand that, i interact with alot of people but i dont actually have friends. people generally only make contact when they want or need something from me

[RedHorse]

Hello and welcome to the forum. Like you, I took some time between joining up and making my first post but was so glad I took that step - I'm equally happy that you have. Well done for reaching out and expressing yourself.

I can relate to much of what you've described. The being done with feeling so low, deflated and lonely and unable to do much more than lay in bed like a zombie are a couple of examples.

If I can give you one piece of advice it is to not beat yourself up about it. Just do the best you can at any given moment. If I am in bed resting, I try to just accept that, rather than rail against it. I don't always succeed but sometimes is better than never.

I wish you a decent night's sleep tonight and hope that your week improves @RoseOh. Take care, RedHorse 🌹🐴