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Something’s not right

sage28
Casual Contributor

i messed up

hi. thank you to anyone who replied to my last post, it means a lot to me. i wasn’t sure if i replied correctly to those comments so i wanted to say thank you here as well just in case you see it. 

 

this post may be all over the place, it’s mainly a rant of my internal monologue at this point. i just need a place to let it out. i’m not sure if this is superfluous or not, but i wanted to put a TRIGGER WARNING for the paragraphs ahead.

 

my sister (16) has run away from home again. she has been gone for two days. she has kept her location on. i know where she is, but she won’t come home. i cant go get her without physically restraining her, and even if i could bring myself to try that, she is physically stronger than me. we called the mental health team at our local hospital, as we hoped they would give us some idea about what to do. they told us to call the police and ask for a welfare check. my mother did, but their response was -  apparently - that my sister is old enough for this to be considered a “family matter” rather than a police one. even though the adult she is with is well known to the police. my mother also feels that if we call the police it will only escalate her behaviour. 

 

my sister is a type one diabetic. she uses an insulin pump. she will run out of insulin in a matter of hours. she has started new medication, and was told she cannot drink whilst using it. as soon as she ran away, she had the 19 year old woman she is staying with, buy $120 worth of alcohol. we saw the money come out of her bank account. i tried calling, begging, pleading, bargaining. everything i could think of to get her home. she did not respond to my messages. finally i sent her a message saying i was coming to her location to talk to her. which she answered with “i will f*cking k*ll you if you come to this house.” she has never threatened physical violence against me before. i tried one last time to call her. she answered her phone only to tell me she hated me. then she hung up. i couldn’t keep pushing her, as i was worried she would turn off her location. i worried if i went to the house, she would run away and i would never find her again. so i stopped messaging her after that. this was at about 11:30 this morning. 

 

she told my mum she would come home at lunchtime. then she didn’t. she then said 5pm. and she didn’t come. i spent the day feeling completely hopeless. i am beyond heartbroken. things have been building and building and i am so tired and so hurt. i have done everything in my power to help her, everything i can think of and it isn’t enough. for the entirety of today all i could imagine was her hurting her selfish. and how the people she is with would let her die because they’re too high and too selfish to even notice if she slipped into a diabetic coma. all i could think about was how i can do nothing to stop it and how the rest of my life is going to be spent desperately fighting for her. my mother works so hard, my father is away from our home town as my grandfather is in the ICU. and all of these thoughts kept swirling around my head all day. 

 

i messaged her one last time. a desperate plea for her to come home. in my head i was praying that just once, she would choose me over alcohol, over those people who don’t care about her. i begged her to please let me help her. told her i loved her. told her all i wanted was for her to be safe. she said to me “i promise to be home sometime tomorrow.” 

 

i don’t know why it happened at that point. why i couldn’t control myself anymore. maybe it’s because we were supposed to leave to see the rest of our family in another town early in the morning. maybe it’s because i haven’t slept in three days. maybe it’s because i haven’t eaten because i can’t keep food down while she’s gone. whatever the reason, i got angry. i told her that her promises don’t mean shit to me anymore. i asked her how she can resent our parents so much for “abandoning” her when i got sick, when that’s exactly what she’s doing to me. i sobbed and sobbed as i sent the messages and as soon as i saw she read them i regretted it. i regretted it so much i wanted to die. how could i say something like that, when i’ve always told myself to seperate her from her mental illness? how could i say that to the person i love the most on the planet? when she’s hurting so much? 

 

i don’t even know how to begin to sort through my pain. i don’t know how i can take on hers. have i lost her now? have i pushed her away? i keep replaying the moments of when i last saw her, we had been laughing and smiling and she had waved goodbye as she went into her doctors appointment, i thought she was having an okay day. and now i feel like our relationship is shattered. every happy memory i have of us, brings me nothing but heartache. i don’t want to move, i don’t want to breathe. i don’t know how to come back from this, and i’m not angry anymore but some part of me is broken. the hope i had - the hope that we would always be there for each other - is gone. i feel like i’m mourning her. and how do i move on from that? how can i take care of her when i can’t even bring myself to leave my bed? at what point will she come home, when she’s in DKA? what is she doing now? is she safe? i cant stop thinking. i cant stop feeling. and all i want to do is sleep. 

 

2 REPLIES 2

Re: i messed up

Hey @sage28 I know you are hurting now and regret what you said, but I am sure your sister knows how much you love her and are there for her. She would also know how understandably angry you would be. I know its difficult not to think about it, but I'm sure you haven't messed up or ruined your relationship over that comment, you said how you felt and I am sure she would see some part of that.  I truly believe that she knows just how much you love her and care about her, and that you didn't mean for it to come out that way. What has been done is done, you also have feelings and reacted to something that hurt, I know it doesn't help now, but tomorrow is a new day and you can send her a nice message in the morning. Try and be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can in an unbelievably difficult and painful situation, please take care of yourself

 

Re: i messed up

Hey @sage28 ,

 

 I’m really really sorry to hear what is happening. I can see you care for her very very much. I can also the strain this is having on you and your family.

 

At one point or another, natural consequences will speak louder. You have cried for her, you have pleaded with her, you have begged for her to come home - yet to no avail. 

Sometimes, silence speaks louder than words. 

If she was a minor, there would be no choice but to continue the struggle. However, as and adult who has chosen that way (for now), there is little anyone can do.

 

 At this point, it sounds like caring for yourself is of utmost importance. And then, to reach out to those who ARE still with you lest you lose them also.

 

I pray this prodigal daughter will return in due time. 

At one point or another, one must let go, but continually have that hope that she will return.

 

 Hold tight to that hope.

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