Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

I'm a firm believer at looking at oneself. I educate and teach about this, so I do it with myself as well. 

When I was with the recent ex, from the start even before we got into a relationship I was very honest about my ex prior to her. I had and still remain friends with that ex. I was honest about it. I was also honest that my ex still had feelings for me, however it was still purely platonic for me and that I am friends with her. I did not hide anything from her. 

Once we got into a relationship, she was not happy that we spoke often, that I hung out with her and that I cared about her. Don't get me wrong here. I was 100 percent faithful and loyal. She knew everything and I kept no secrets. I did not engage in anything romantic in a friendship with my ex. 

What I am questioning within myself is did I or was I really hurting her? I come from the perspective that perhaps it might have been really hard for her for genuine reasons. Understand here that I'm attempting to sort out my confusion and my definition of wrong or right. Simply for my own growth and to forgive myself for any wrong doing on my part that I know would not have been intentional. 

I did end up telling my ex that I met someone and was in a relationship with this new someone. I just needed to do it in my time but it didn't take me forever and a day. It wasn't easy because I knew she was going to be a little upset. It did hurt to see her upset too. My ex and I are still friends and it will continue. We may not be together, however we have a strong bond and I'm not willing to let it go and nor is she. 

I'm questioning if any part of me at anytime was being deceitful to the narc ex? I'm feeling quite confused. I mean I am not going to go apologising and trying to make amends to the narc. No way. It is more about looking at myself as a person, acknowledging I may have been doing something wrong to hurt another person and to forgive myself. 

It certainly is confusing for me because there was huge control and posession from the narc ex. Things that a normal person who is rational would not do. 

Such as indicating to me that she should track down my ex and ask herself if it is really over. 

Suggest that three of us should meet up for coffee so she can determine if the relationship is really over and there are no feelings there. Monitoring my phone. There were other things too. I certainly cannot and will not justify that behaviour. I would retaliate and get mad. Protect my ex. To her that was a sure sign of my guilt. I had nothing to feel guilty about. I was protecting someone from a person who I felt was not in her right mind. In fact, if I had found out she had done anything to my ex, it would have been outright war with me. She could do what she wanted to me, but if she as so much hurt anyone in my circle, that would have been war. 

It still would be. 

I hope I have pointed out my sense of confusion here and why it's confusing for me. 

I'm trying to figure out if any part of me was wrong and did I hurt someone. Regardless of the fact that the ex is a narc and has done major damage to me, I still need to look at myself and question why I feel bad. 

In saying all of this, it was completely OK for her ex to abuse me. Oh gosh the hell I went through with that alone. She did nothing to help protect me. She wouldn't allow me to take steps to protect myself. In fact, she was in on it with him. Not once did my ex even contact her. It was completely seperate from the relationship we were in. 

I'd appreciate some help with my confusion. This is really hard and confronting for me to be facing this. 

[Clawde]

Aaaaaaaaa dear we are listening and caring for you love  you have friends here ready to support you all rather love, stay in touch we you are part of us in our lives, we love you hon @Powderfinger  we are your formula forward forumite family 😍

[Clawde]

Stay in contact love, this is always at most all we have somtims then later it gets deep if only need it to call out we are all   Careing.  and watching  my love there are some looking out for us really 😇😇

[Powderfinger]

@Clawde 

Thank you ♥️ I have seen you like so many of my posts for a long time. I have never ever heard you speak and have often wondered why but never asked. It's so nice to hear you speak and to have you respond to my post. Thanks. 

[pinklollipop15]

Hi @Powderfinger
Sounds like you are questioning right or wrong and I think its a matter of perception. End of the day you do the best you can at any given moment.

From what you have explained I don't see where the deceit is unless you are not being absolutely honest with yourself in regards to your feelings about the first ex.

The fact that the recent ex wanted to track down the first ex makes me wonder about their own insecurity more than something you had done wrong.

With your subject line undesirable trait what is that referring to? Confusion? I think you should go easy on yourself. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said about your own growth and forgiveness. Not just of yourself but everyone involved in this situation.

Hope this helps in someway.

[C_Xx99]

Hi Powderfinger, 

I am sorry to hear about your inner battle. I dont know if I have any standing on this subject aside from I have had an emotionally manipulative ex. 

I think that at its essance if you are trying your best to be transparent and open about your previous relationship, and have made space to hold both her but stand your moral ground - there is nothing more you can do. Your current partner may have trauma caused through her past relationships - maybe talking about the ways you can support her while maintaining both of your (hers and yours) boundaries would be beneficial? 

If its something she cant move past, I think posing the question of the unity of the relationship might need to be discussed. Its not your fault or a lack of moral standing for you to acknowledge that maybe you may not be able to support her in that way, and it is a mutual decision of if the relationship will last. 

[Clawde]

Hi @Powderfinger sweetheart have been watching and reading from afar and very impressed with your lovely ness and knowledge you freely share with all thank you so much love your a value added contribution to this web site and a serious value added person in my life Thankyou so much from your Clawde 😍