Lived Experience Forum

[Emelia8]

I'm really sorry @saltandpepper 

Sending you a virtual hug and much understanding. 

I grind my teeth too, and regularly bite my tongue badly while semi asleep. Perhaps you could try a mouth guard to protect your teeth from further chipping and breaking?

I am glad you recognise that what happened to you (even if only through a fictional character) was rape. Rape is rape. And for many, the freeze reaction is a common and very legitimate response.

Personally, I fought my rapist until I had no fight left. But I will say that my experience was no more legitimate as a rape, than yours was, when you froze.

Remember that when in such a traumatic situation, our options are flight, fight or freeze. I dont think anyone would ever know which their response would be, until it happens to them. 

Your reaction of freezing does not mean consent. It does not mean it was something you wanted. It was just your mind and body's reaction to such a traumatic event, a way to help you get through it. 

You say you wish you could go back to pre therapy so you dont have these memories. I used to wish that too sometimes. But the memories were always there. They need to be addressed and dealt with properly, so they can be refiled in the brains memory banks as a thing of the past. Not something gnawing at us on a daily basis, as if it is still current news. Occasional flashbacks will likely be with us for life, but they will ease in intensity and frequency. We learn to deal with them better through appropriate therapy, and they affect us less.

Hang in there buddy.

Emelia 🌹

[saltandpepper]

Thanks for sharing with me @Emelia8 and I can't even express my remorse at your experience. I'm so sorry you went through that.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to find a way to justify it all to myself. Justify my freeze response. Still feels like a failing on my part. A big one. And it is. Sure it's a legitimate response to an overwhelming situation, but it's a shit response. It's a useless response.

Anyway. Think I needa stop talking about it now. Making me feel sick.

Thanks for the support and kindness @Emelia8 

[Lilaca]

Hi @saltandpepper ,

I have similar issues with night terrors too and used to wake up several times at night especially between 2-4pm. Someone told me about sleep hygiene, hope it's helpful for you. 

What works for me is physical exercise and a busy full day. Busy means incorporating work, exercise, cooking healthy meals, housework and play time. I usually do online course at night up to 11 pm or midnight and wake up at 7 am in the morning. If I was exhausted for the day, it ensures a good night sleep, so I do not wake up multiple times at night. And I would start the day early feeling fresh. 

[saltandpepper]

Yes sleep hygiene is one of my GP's favourite terms @Lilaca 

Glad you have found it helpful. Nightmares and what not are far less frequent for me since being in therapy. I chalk that up to not supressing things anymore, facing things head on and addressing the trauma in therapy.

But yes, bed times and routine and all that is always a good idea. I've never not woken up multiple times a night really @Lilaca that's just normal for me

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @saltandpepper I don't want to pry too much or trigger you, but i am curious about what you mean by you feel like a failure?  

You are safe now? This event is not going to happen again? While you can't control the cptsd flashbacks, you know you are in a safe space when having them? You mentioned the sour dough bread taste, Did something happen that day to remind you of that taste or smell? 

Again ignore me if these questions are pushing you.. you don't need to answer, I am just trying to get an understanding of why now and what opportunity it brings to you.

[saltandpepper]

All good @AussieRecharger yeah definitely safe from it all now. Happened a long time ago. Yeah safe when things come back or whatever, just gruelling to get through when triggered I guess. Yeah, the taste, that's about all I'll say there. No need for detais there I don't think. But yeah, just the taste of sour dough bread--even just thinking about it--takes me back there. Not anything to do with bread, it's just what my brain decided to associate the taste with--if that makes sense?

As for the failure part. I mean while I understand freezing is a trauma response, it happens, it just doesn't make me feel any better about it. It feels like a failing on my part that I responded that way. It doesn't feel like my brain or body tried to protect me, it feels like it failed me.

And why now? Don't know really, lack of sleep is probably a main cause. Brain is just cycling through shit. Hmm. Don't know. Maybe sex has been on my mind a bit lately. Especially after going out with my mates a few weeks back. Actually now that I think about it, that makes sense. Brain did a big shit that night and went back to this specific event, total co*k block. That's been bugging me. Still kicking myself about that. Anyway, yeah, maybe that's why it's sitting at the forefront of my mind. 

[AussieRecharger]

Well i guess you need to get laid.. Never thought I would be saying that here... 🙂  Good to know i helped you to get some answers on where it was originating from.. 

[saltandpepper]

Haha @AussieRecharger well yeah, that'd be nice, sure, not gonna lie. But brain and body aren't on the same page. Panic attacks and flashbacks etc are a bit of a mood killer. Even when I was with my ex (who knew my history--mostly) there were always hurdles and road blocks to get through. Very frustrating. Hence the longing for pre-therapy days when I just didn't deal with any of it haha

[SJT63]

@saltandpepper @Emelia8 

you guys break my heart .... we live in a world full of injustice.....

I have had to have 3 root canals as a result of the damage I do to my teeth when I sleep. I put so much stress on them that my immune system things my dental roots are some sort of invasive thing they calcify.... and I actually bit a chuck out of my tongue once. Nothing bad has ever happened to me! WFT. I have no excuse except that I internalise all my petty, first-world stresses and they've gotta come out somewhere.

@saltandpepper the way you have stood by Centaur the last couple of weeks has been nothing short of heroic. Whatever is going on in your own head, you are making a huge difference to the lives of people here. 

No one ever has to justify feelings. Or memories... now I'm confusing myself because I'm not sure exactly what I want to say or how to say it... unusal for me.

but wow... you are all so heroic I feel small and insignificant with my petty concerns compared with those who have experienced real trauma. 

I'm so sorry I can't make it go away.

[AussieRecharger]

All good.. 

It's fun to see the process though..

You have desires

Body anticipates what you want

Body up's stress levels in anticipation

The brain interprets stress signals and rushes to previous precedents and initiates danger mode

Danger mode triggers flood of CPTSD memories, Body stresses out even further and causes a cycle effect.  

Your left still needing that desired met but if you can't short circuit that natural stress and desire, you keep moving into the cycle mode and then find yourself exhausted. 

Keep going with therapy @saltandpepper , it will take time but i do have hope you can change that stress to danger pattern into stress to a safe place pattern.