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Something’s not right

Re: Need to vent

omg @BPDSurvivor  I can relate to what you wrote so much.  I have been married for 35 years, you would think hubby should know me by now.  But our communication has never been great and i have noticed especially the last 11 years when all my trauma and mental illness came out.

He doesn't know what to say or do.  He tries to help but in my mind it's done wrong.  He might say something but again in my mind he's saying the wrong thing to which then i get frustrated, agry and annoyed and then stay angry for a long time.

Yesterday after my psych session I was supposed to go home, and when hubby came home make a coffee and chat.  i was going to tell him how i feel about our intimacy and how i would love a hug or even him asking me 'how was your day'.  but then again i need to start saying the same thing back to him.  It's two ways right??
so we went down the beach for a coffee and we talked about his day and i told him about my psych and how fantastic she is. we got to the 'hard topic' and i just couldn't speak.  so i let it go.  we then got home and were alone again so i tried to say 'oh my psych wanted to put me on some other meds for my libido' - he didn't say anything.  now that's where i could/should have said something like 'do you understand what i'm saying' or something like that - but i didn't.

i was too scared, emotional to continue.  

my psych did say take it slow, and do it on your terms when you feel right to talk.  but i couldn't.

now i feel crap because i thought gee why couldn't i just talk, open my mouth and chat.

it's a really hard topic for me to bring up; is it because of my past childhood abuse.

 

@BPDSurvivor  do you have suggestions/offer/advice on how better to start the communication rolling.  hubby never ever continues a conversation, he will answer and that's it.  where i will continue.  

Reg. intimacy - i have never ever instigated intimacy. oh gosh i feel so bad.  stop.  i have stop these thoughts in my head about how horrible i am.  i blame myself so much.  i hate my body, myself.  i have no self love.  Could that be the reason.  i feel so guilty.  i feel i am weird, crazy.  gosh i need to go i can't stopo crying.  i will come back after.

 

i bought some dried lavender and chammomile flowers to fill up my bags.  I am now sewing them up closed and my needle broke.  Got it out but now can't put a new one in.  For some reason it won't go in.

 

now i feel shit!!!  i think in my head 'everytime i try to do something; something crap happens.

i don't know what to do.  

 

i now feel like throwing everything out.

ok, i think i need a coffee and some lunch. then i will try again.  if i can't do it then i am really stuck.

so much for trying to sew andn sell stuff.

nothing ever works 😞

Re: Need to vent

Thank you for your post @BlueBay . You've put a smile on my face.

 

I understand so much of what you are saying. 

In terms of your hubby not continuing conversations, it could also be his personality. That's him - a man of few words! Have you ever told him how you'd like him to respond to you? I think having your hubby make you a coffee and wanting a chat is a multitude of words in itself. When you feel ready, take the opportunity to speak to him about what is on your mind about your current relationship and perhaps prompt him by saying "What do you think?". Start slow my dear. It takes time to change. 

Youve come such a long way. I am not denying the fact that it can be challenging, but make the most of every situation. 

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor

Re: Need to vent

Thsnks @BPDSurvivor  yes he is a quiet guy. He would rather sit back and not talk. But sometimes it annoys me but I guess you can't  chsnge a person. 
yes I need more work on that front. 

oh I got my sewing machine fixed. Hubby looked and I was getting angry because he was suggesting other parts of machine that could be the reason.

So I called a friend and she came to my rescue. She has the same machine. 
now tomorrow I can get back into action. 

hi 👋 @Flying_Hams @oceangirl @Snowie @Shaz51 @Emelia8 xxxxxx

 

Re: Need to vent

 

Hi @BlueBay Smiley Happy

Glad you got your sewing machine fixed. 

Have a great weekend lovely Heart

Re: Need to vent

Glad to hear @BlueBay about your sewing machine.

 

In a way, it's probably good your hubby is quiet. You need someone to compliment you rather than bring the same as you. What do you think? Imagine if both of you were the quiet type, or both of you were the talking type? 

Keep persisting with the communication.

 

 Hugs, BPDSurvivor

 

 

Re: Need to vent

Hi friends @BPDSurvivor @oceangirl @Flying_Hams @Snowie @Emelia8 @Shaz51  and others following 

 

you may remember me telling you about a lady I met in hodpital a few years ago. We had a coffee together two weeks ago and I was stuck with her for nearly two hours. 

well - this morning she sent me a msg to say can we meet again. There's so much to tell me. Instantly I thought "oh no not again". I told her I have a few appointments over the next few weeks and left it at that. 
pls don't get me wrong I'm not been a horrible person by saying that to her. 

it's just that - I need MY space MY time for ME at the moment. I couldn't handle another 2 hours of listening to all get stuff again. 

I would normally say yes and catch up. But I can't do it. There are a few others that we catch up with but with lockdown we can't. 
and even with that - I may not go. I can't handle hours of listening to others mental illness snd Whst they're saying. It's too much for me. 

am I being selfish? 
I want to continue knitting and seeing. I'm on a roll now I don't want to stop. 

Re: Need to vent

@BPDSurvivor @oceangirl @Flying_Hams @Snowie @Emelia8 @Shaz51 

 

these are my knitted headbands and my eye pillows.

image.jpg

 

Re: Need to vent

Knitted headbands

53F6D46C-E03D-4795-A0DA-CA6EF55247DF.jpeg


that black line shouldn't be. Not sure how to get rid of it. I had to make photo smaller. 

Re: Need to vent

I think it'd fair @BlueBay
You need to take a break

Re: Need to vent

Good morning @BlueBay 🌸

 

Firstly, no I dont believe you are being selfish at all in not agreeing to meet with this lady. This is called self care.  You need to do whats right for you just now, and if that means saying no ... then thats the right choice for you.  I know it doesnt come easily for you to be what you may consider selfish, but this is what you must do.  You are the most important person in the world right now, and your needs must come first.  Do what feels right for you.  A small word of caution though ... take steps to ensure you are not isolating yourself. Make more of an effort to spend quality time with family and/or friends who feed your soul rather than draining you. I hope this makes sense? 💕

 

Wow ... I love your work.  The headbands and eye pillows look fabulous.  You are so clever.  I wish I could buy some from you.  The eye pillow for me and some of the headbands for my little granddaughters.  I know they would love them.

 

Emelia 🤗

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