Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

Cat is outside today as it is not raining and not too windy @Razzle She loves being outside and my back yard is perfect for her. There are plenty of trees and bushes for her to hide under in the warmer weather and she has been sleeping in the dog kennel in the cooler weather. She seems happy and healthy right now - you would not know there was anything wrong with her but I know that will change in time. Of course I am getting plenty of cuddles in with her too ...spending more time in her room with her when she comes in and having extra cuddles before I feed her. 

Toby has had half a haircut so he can at least see out of his eyes again. Plan on doing his back half this afternoon because he needs his bone to distract him to do that. Then I am going to give him a bath. I want to get a little more cleaning up done before I do that so all I will have left to do this evening is the vacuuming.

It is really sad about your Mum but good she knows who you are most of the time. It is also good you are still able to do things with her and she has some memory of what you have done. It is super hard seeing someone lose their memory but you are doing everything you cn to help her - just being that constant for her and looking after her is all you can do Hon 

[Razzle]

@Zoe7  Yep, I still try and do things with her.  From one of the dementia seminars I attended I remember them saying something like “she may not remember tomorrow, but she will remember at that time”.  She really enjoyed herself.

Im feeling pretty tired today, mum has been getting up a lot during the night, last night she was up 6 times between the time she went to bed at 10.30 and 8.30 this morning when she got up for the day.  It had only been 2 or 3 times up until a couple of nights ago, hopefully it won’t last for much longer and she’ll sleep better at night again soon.

Hope Toby doesn’t give you too much trouble with his hair cut - I had a bit of a chuckle when you mentioned he needed a bone as a distraction.  He sounds a bit of a character.

[Zoe7]

It is those moments in the present that you can enjoy with your Mum @Razzle 

I hope your Mum settles more for you over the next couple of nights and you can get more sleep Hon - it is so much harder to face each day when you are not sleeping. I have been like that this week too - up really late and not sleeping well when I do finally get to sleep ...too much anxiety and worry lately for me with Toby and Cat.

Toby is a little character. He was a real wriggler when he was a baby and that occasionally comes out again when I am trying to put drops in his ear or give him a haircut. For the most part though he is a really settled, cuddly little fella. He does not like hia tail or bottom being touched so in order to cut his hair I give him his chew bone - that way I can get him to settle and trim him around his backside easier. It is still a bit of an ordeal but one that is slightly easier with the bone. 

[Razzle]

@Zoe7   I managed to have a very short nap this afternoon, feel worse for it now though.  I’d only just fallen asleep when some friends of mum called in.  So now I’m not only fired, I’m irritable as well.  

After they left I went outside and did some watering.  At one point I just wanted to cry.  There is so much going on in my head at the moment, and I’m really missing my councillor, the one person I could openly speak my truth to.  I’ve lost the trust in him and know I can’t go back.  

Hopefully I get some sleep tonight and things look better tomorrow.

Hope Toby behaved for you today and you were able to finish his hair cut.  I imagine he’d look a little comical only having half his body done.

[Zoe7]

I did get Toby's hair cut and yes he does look more balanced and not as comical now @Razzle  I posted a phot on Far and Away of him with his chew bone. The little sweetheart took himself off under the dining table with it so I couldn't get to him lol 

I hear you about your councillor - he did betray your trust and let you down so I can certainly see why you wouldn't want to go back to see him. It does make it difficult when you need someone to talk to though. I know you don't have anyone else that you can talk to so happy to listen here Hon 

[Razzle]

I just jumped on your other thread @Zoe7 , aw, Toby is a sweet little thing.  Cat does look well, you wouldn’t think she was so sick just looking at her.

I’m not sure how I’ve done it, but I’ve managaed to let my husband weadle his way back into my life.  It started a while back, when my daughter and her partner came home from over seas.  They were coming here for tea and to keep up appearances I let my husband come too.  

Mum was forgetting who I was a lot, but when my husband is here, she knows who he is and seems to be able to connect the dots and then knows who I am.  She had a bit of a rough patch not knowing me or recognising her home so he started coming more regularly.

The thing is, he’s working the farm during the day and comes in right on tea time and then takes off first thing in the morning.  All the things we’ve discussed in marriage counseling, as in all the things I need that will make me feel like a loved wife - none of that is happening - I’m exactly where I’ve always been, just in a different location.

I feel like I’m just his own personal cook.  Last night he was coming in, then changed his mind and decided he was going to his sisters in the next  town with my daughter and her partner to watch a sporting game on tv.  Then he decided he would call here first, then changed his mind and decided to go straight there.  Then he messages and says his plans aren’t ideal because he was feeling flat and he didn’t really want to go.  He did go, even though he didn’t want to, but obviously that was a better option than spending any real time with me.

Tonight I got tea ready for mum and I and he rings to say he’s coming in for tea - I told him I didn’t cook enough, he’d have to grab himself some takeaway.  After we hung up I was so pi$$ed off that I texted him that I’m not his own personal slave, that I wasn’t here to just cook him a meal and get 5mins if his time when he feels like it.

We had a wedding last weekend, and the previous week I called out to the farm to grab some shoes I’d left out there.  I walked into the house and it was an absolute mess.  There has been no housework done what so ever since I moved out months ago, in fact the smell was so bad it hit you as you opened the back door.  The garden was completely overgrown with weeds and the grass hasn’t been mowed in months either.

It was heart breaking, I have spent years keeping the house nice and

maintaining the garden and it’s all gone.  I feel like if something happened to mum now I have no where to go.  I can’t go back to the farm, the work that house and yard needs is too overwhelming, I don’t know where I would even start.  A lot of our arguments were about house work, and he’d always say to the councillor that he would change, that he’d do his share - but he’s completely stopped, he’s done nothing.

On top of this, I’ve been feeling homesick - I just want to go to my room, climb into my bed in my house and sleep -  but that is no longer an option, my house is gone.  

My relationship with my son and his partner isn’t any better.  They were at

the wedding, and his partner never let

me near the baby until the afternoon the day after they arrived.  Everyone else was allowed cuddles except me.  By the time she was drunk enough at the reception all of a sudden I was her long lost best friend - then it was a return to her normal bit€h psycho self the next morning.  

Im just at a shitty place in my life and I feel stuck.  I keep telling myself things will get better, but they really won’t.

[Zoe7]

It certainly seems that the old status quo has returned for you @Razzle and hear you feel you have taken a step backwards again. I understand you feel that having your husband there helps with your mum know you also but you also stood up to yourself with that text to him. The state of the house and garden is a clear indication that he really does not care for what he told the councillor - he is not changing anything to help the relationship.

As for your son's partner - she seems like an immature, disrespectful person. What she did was no doubt hurtful and incomsiderate. Hold onto those memories you have of your grandchild when you did get to hold them - sometimes we need to accept what is and not dwell on what is not.

You have enough to deal with with your Mum Hon and if you son, his partner and your husband cannot appreciate you then that is their loss. Your husband in particular needs to step up or step away - he can't have it both ways and if he isn't going to change then do not get drsgged back into that world. I get that you want to be back in your on home, into your own bed with things around you you take comfort in but that is obviously not possible right now. If your husband cannot clean up and cook for himself then do not do it for him - he either stands on his own two feet or sinks by himself - either way it is not your responsibility to look after him - he is a grown man and his choices are his.

[Razzle]

Nothing has changed, thats for sure @Zoe7 .  I was so upset when I got back to town the day I saw the house, I was furious and told mum what I had seen.  She said she’d come with me and we could go out there and she’d help me clean up.  I told her there was no way I was cleaning it up, I never made the mess and I’m damn sure I’m not cleaning it.

I have made peace with the fact that I have no relationship with my granddaughter.  I know she’ll get curious when she’s older and she’ll come looking for me, and I will tell her the truth then, I will tell her why she was kept from me, who kept her from me.  My sons partner thinks she is in control, but it will all turn around to bite her

later on, and that little girl will not thank her for it.  

Everthing seems to have happened so fast as far as my husband is concerned, I didn’t even notice until this weekend that I have put myself right back into the same situation.  I still consider myself seperated, I don’t think he does.  I’m sure he thinks I’ve just sucked it all up and have once again moved on.  Nothing is ever going to change, he’s never going to change.

[Zoe7]

It may be time for you to have that difficult conversation with your husband to put him back in his place @Razzle You have come so far on your own since everything with him and the councillor blew up Hon - he may need to hear it straight that you are separated and that he expecting you to have him back in your life will be on your terms. There is to be no dropping around or expecting meals - it needs to be a mutually agreed upon time and completely when it is convenient for you. Take back some of that control over your own life - you cannot change what is happening for your mother but you can determine what and when your husband is there.

[Razzle]

@Zoe7  I have no intention on going back to a bad marriage. I will be having that talk now that I can see clearly what is going on.