Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Hope4me

I would like to like all parts of me and I would like to be liked by all parts of me. I direct so much hate and anger at myself. Then parts of me leave me and I sometimes cannot find or connect with them for a long time. Sometimes they ‘come out’ and I don’t even realise they’re there. I feel alone not only socially, but in myself. 

[Hope4me]

Good morning @Former-Member

I've often heard people get angry when their therapists tell them they need to love themselves. I struggled with this concept too, but through sheer will and wanting some sense of peace in my mind, I learned how.

I haven't spoken of this for a long time so I guess I take it for granted these days. I do understand where you're coming from though as I have known your pain. Please believe this...

I started by writing down qualities in myself I thought were positive. For days I tried to write nice things; it was a heartbreaking exercise thinking I had nothing to offer myself or the world, but I persevered. The first two entries in my journal were: 1. I'm intelligent 2. I'm a survivor.

I actually cried when I saw them on the page. Healing is an emotional journey Dimmie; getting to know ourselves for the first time is a foreign place for sure. Previously, I'd seen myself through the eyes of my abusers. I had to separate myself from their glares, blame and fault finding to survive.

Here's something positive I gave to myself to spur me on in tough times...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLHY0Pqeyzw

It's a 70's song, but the words are timeless. Try not to focus on the theme of the song and instead, read and listen to the chorus. It gives me chills still to this day...

Music as therapy, please enjoy ..

[Former-Member]

@Hope4me

I like that song too. But all my life I’ve pushed through telling myself how fortunate I am and that my pain is nothing compared to the world. I had a lot of music motavating me through the decades of trauma. 

When I was lost my job because of my mental illness, I lost my purpose. I did a lot of work with my therapist t identify my strength and values, but all I can come up with after going through these lists again and again, is that it’s not me when I’m ill. I’ve written them down several times, I’ve painted them, but all they remind me of is what I am not anymore.

and when I feel like I’m a waste of space and i don’t want to feel what i feel I think about death and it gives me comfort to think not another day.

im pretty upset at the moment and feel like that, but can keep myself safe. It’s overwhelming.

[nashy]

Hey there @Former-Member I just wanted to check in and see how you're traveling at the moment? Your last post was very touching. Please do remember that pain is relative, so very relative. When you feel lost and feel purposeless this is a very real and Universal pain we all share. You are not alone, you are very insightful and it sounds like you've done so much incredible self-reflecting. Music is an amazing tool along the journey isn't it?

It's good you're able to stay safe, the suicidal ideation sounds pretty heavy but I also understand the notion of feeling soothed by opting out of the pain. In this moment I hope you can acknowledge your value, we value you and we honour your pain. Have you spoken to your therapist recently about these thoughts? Has the feeling of overwhelm shifted at all? 

The community is here to listen  

[AnxiousMe]

@Former-Member you’re brain sounds very stressed mate one symptom of a stressed brain is the feeling of disconnect there are so many hormones smashing about our brains when we feel stressed that when it just can’t take all the negativity it sort of shields its self i get it on the odd occasion when my anxiety/stress kicks up it does go away its just your brains coping mechanism with all the thoughts  i hope you are feeling better mate 

[Former-Member]

Hello @AnxiousMe @nashy @Hope4me @Twerp @Former-Member

Hope you’re all doing ok. I was ‘lost in the system’ for a couple of weeks with IT issues, but they managed to get my original account going again.

anyway. I’ve settled a bit being at home for so long, but it’s challenging to get out and about now that people are back from holidays. It was easier when I could just hide, now I’ve got appointments and stuff again. Still a bumpy ride, but had some positive times too. Increased meds are helping a bit I think. I don’t feel stable as i can’t really take any pressure, and I’m talking pressure on the level of taking a bin bag to the bin. When I’m just sitting in my own world avoiding life, I feel a bit better until I have a flashback or intrusive thought. In general I feel detached and I don’t really care about anything or anyone anymore (more often than not). I don’t know, I can’t work on it, I can’t avoid it forever, but I don’t really care.

[AnxiousMe]

@Former-Member hey i have been feeling much better thank you hope you are doing well 👍

its good to hear that you have had some positives along the way recovery takes time i got the detached feelings when i started my meds and when i was highly anxious its a way for the brain to deal with stressful situations its kinda like a rest mode on a computer its not harmful and does pass best thing i could do when i felt like i just wanted to be by myself was the complete opposite made me feel heaps better coming to work talking crap with my mates being around my son you will get thru your rough patch. 

[lolliepop]

hi @Former-Member

i have just written in my post about the same thing. 

a fortnght ago in did just the same and the i was in an induced coma that i woke from. 

im still trying to mend things, more so with my kids and hubby. its so hard because they dont understand them selves. i wish i could say more but im still trying to sort out all my stuff. but i do wish you luck and i know its ery hard to get through and it makes it even hader when dont understand. 

[Former-Member]

Hello,

im so overwhelmingly sad and have been for a few days. It feels like wherever I look I see reminders of abuse, war, loss, fear... I keep telling myself I survived all the trauma and will survive recovery, but when it all comes crashing in at once, I doubt it and I get so tired from fighting.

[Former-Member]

I’m sorry I’m so one sided. I do hope you are all coping ok.

this real life shit really overwhelms me. Going out of the house overwhelms me, seeing people overwhelms me, everything overwhelms me :nauseated_face:🤬😱