Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Louise]

Hi all, I just feel like having a little rant. I gave up my job to care for my son who has bipolar. He's been doing really well for 6 months, but now he's started smoking dope again. I don't like it and have told him I think it's foolish, but it's his choice and I can't stop him. I can't kick him out as I need to make sure he takes his meds. And there's no point nagging. But I won't condone him smoking dope. So he smokes out his bedroom window. Then when he comes into the lounge room he is fake in the way he talks to me because he's stoned, he's not really relating to me as a person. I know he'd rather I wasn't even here. So I feel like a burden in my own house. I feel shut out.

I used to feel like this when my ex smoked dope. When he was stoned he'd just be in his own head, he'd shut me out completely. Then my first son started smoking it aged 13, turning up at home stoned. I hated it so much he had to go and live with his Dad. Now my second son is doing it.

Does anyone else out there ever feel shut out when family members smoke dope, or is it just me?

[Mojo]

Hi Louise,

Thanks for having a little rant on the forum. It is good to write things down as it helps us to understand how we are feeling. I hope some of our contributors can help you out .

It was interesting to hear that you said that  your son was going really well for 6 months. What was he doing that was different before he started smoking dope again? It might be something that he was doing that you could encourage him to start doing more of.Was it exercising,hanging out with good people or doing something he enjoyed like a hobby or reading.

You are a very caring mother. It is important that you look after yourself and find time to do things that you enjoy.

Take care.

Mojo. 

[morningstar]

Hey Louise, this is the place you can talk frankly about how you feel  . . . it can be a really tough time when someone's going through growing up and dealing with a condition like bipolar at the same time. Easy to imagine how they could turn to dope, even when it doesn't help in longer term. And very frustrating for you of course, when you're the one trying to help!

It's definitely worth having a conversation at the right time about setting conditions for living with you. You're perfectly within your rights to do this. it's your home after all, and it's for your son's good too of course. Approach it as a matter of concern about him and respect for you, not just a 'telling off'.

Does your son have a case manager in a mentel health service? This can be something you ask to talk about in a case meeting with them and your son. And about if it's better he move out of home and be given support to be more independent. SANE has a 'Guide for Families' that's got helpful advice, and do make contact with a family support group in your local area - the SANE Helpline can send you details (1800 18 7263 or helpline@sane.org). 

[Louise]

Hey thanks for your comments guys.

My son and I see his psychiatrist once every month or so, who is very pleased with the way he's going, as he is studying, socialising, playing sport etc. I'm also pleased with the way he's going: he is working towards becoming more independent and taking more responsibility for himself and his medication. His goals are to get his license, get some part-time work and move out, in that order...and he is making good progress and has my support. 

The marihuana use is pretty much the only poor decision he is currently making, and he says its only occasional, though I'm not sure if its occasional or regular. The psychiatrist isn't overly concerned about it. 

So I feel that given the whole big picture the marihuana use is something I will have to tolerate for the time being. If he abandons his goals, stops working towards them or has another psychotic episode I will have grounds to insist that he ceases all drug use, but at present he's going well.

It's just me not enjoying being around stoned people 

Cheers, Louise

[MIFANTCARER]

Loved that you shared this. It is something that carers find difficult to discuss. I work with Carers and I often come across many that say that the person they care for self medicates using drugs or Alchohol.

 I find the best thing is to open up and talk about it.

 Listen to the reasons why they are using and try and unsderstand from their perspective.

 Make boundries, this doesn't mean that you can tell them they can't do it because as adults we hate being told we can't do something and that just leads to lying and hiding and it also doesn't mean you allow it to turn into a free for all smoking fest, what this mean is that you both come up with a solution that suits you both.

This solution should include acceptance and limits. Once there is a common understanding and support you can start to introduce quit programs. this needs to be introduced in a carring open way and with encouragement to attend rehabs or drug and alcohol programs.

IAagin thank you for sharring, I hope all goes well

[Louise]

Thanks MifantCarer. Good advice. My son is a fairly introverted person, and quite capable of lying too. He lies about his drug use even when we both know its obvious. If he really can't deny it, he will admit it. I asked him why he does it, and he said he just enjoys it. I asked WHY he enjoys it, and he couldn't answer that.

Anyway, he is going fairly well. He recently got his drivers license, and has a job interview next month. He wants to move out of here as soon as he can afford to. Only time will tell if that will work out for him.

I hope it does work out for him. As for me, I think I will be happier living alone than with someone who doesn't want to be here. Living alone would be less lonely than feeling shut out.

[MIFANTCARER]

It sounds like your story is headed in a positive direction, just brilliant. Hope it keeps moving forward, Good Luck 🙂

[Appleblossom]

@Louise

Dealing with users of smoking dope in the family can be hard; both the sense of detachment and the lies.  Sometimes it is better to have some space from it, so parental anxiety doesnt sky-rocket. It was easier for me to deal with brother on dope than for my mother.

I tell my son that I dont have to know everything he does, but to let me know if things are so tricky that he needs me.  In some ways because drugs had been around when I was very young, I scared all 3 of my kids off it, so that is one thing I dont have to worry about.

Their father used a fair bit but I made him keep it away from the house and kids. I dont think he smpkes too much now.  I dont think anybody likes the feeling of being shut out in a relationship that is supposed to be close, but I'd just hang on to the bit of the relationship that is working with your son and try not to stress about the bit that is not.

Also use any space you get to build up your own life again; whether work, study, creative, or social.

[Louise]

Dear @Appleblossom thanks for your good advice. Things seem to be going fairly well at the moment, I don't think my son is smoking too much dope. Plus he is still studying a bit, is getting plenty of exercise, and has applied for Youth Allowance. He just had an interview at Maccas but didn't get the job. Maybe he is getting a bit too old for Maccas anyway, as he will be 18 in a few months. Like many teenagers, he gets a bit impatient with me at times, but he has good moods too.

I have kept busy over the last 6 months doing a fulltime Cert 3 course, and am hoping to get casual work soon. Plus I am involved at church and have some other friends

[Appleblossom]

@Louise

Sounds like he has plenty of good things going and will wise up to himself eventually.  He is still young. 

Yes we have to find ways to be, and to model being productive for our kids. Though, at the moment, I am tired of collecting bits of paper, so I am not studying at the moment, but good luck with your work.