Feeling lost and depressed

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Fluttershy1 , How are you?

[Fluttershy1]

Could be better you? @BPDSurvivor 

Bpd has been kicking me in the bottom. 

im safe

[Fluttershy1]

Hi @Snowie @Appleblossom @Jynx @Meggle @Meowmy @outlander @Owlunar @Jacques @Shaz51 @Zoe7 @Eve7 @greenpea @BPDSurvivor @Flying_Hams @tyme @FloatingFeather @hanami - 

how are you all?

things have been not great, I’ve been in hospital a week ago for a admission for my mental health as it took a turn for the worse. I am safe though. But have been keeping to myself, stress levels are high and I just wanna break down but I can’t because grandma just doesn’t understand so I’m bottling it up…

am safe 

[tyme]

So sorry to hear that @Fluttershy1 .

Are you out of hospital yet? It sounds like you needed a bit of a break.

Hope things get better for you.

[Fluttershy1]

Yeah they only kept me 2 nights @tyme - they have a lot of stigma around BPD which isn’t helpful at all, there is a lot going on at the moment, am safe 

[Fluttershy1]

Hey @tyme @BPDSurvivor @Jynx @Appleblossom @Snowie @Anastasia @ArraDreaming @Oaktree @outlander@puzzlingdino  - things are hard at the moment I’ve been in and out hospital a lot, things just seem to be crumbling all around me, my ptsd has been playing up, i struggle around this time of year and I’m just feeling all alone. Caring for grandma is taking a really big toll on me and I am struggling to even keep doing it. 

I hate the way I’m feeling I just wish I was myself, I am constantly switching, losing track of time and not even knowing where I am sometimes. It all feels abit to much at the moment. 

[Fluttershy1]

@Jynx - I don’t feel good enough, I’m constantly caring for grandma and it’s draining me, I’ve been in and out of hospital and I’m feeling completely lost, I don’t gel with my case manager, I keep lashing out, apparently Indi has been out a lot along with Lucy. It just feels like it never ends.

I really question sometimes why do I keep going with all of this…… 

im safe 

[Jynx]

I'm sorry to hear you've been having such a rough time @Fluttershy1. I can imagine it's a lot harder to care for yourself when you're also responsible for caring for another. 

When I find myself questioning like that, wondering what keeps me going, I find it helpful to practice gratitude. Do you have a list of things you're grateful for that you could reflect on? 

[Fluttershy1]

Yeah but it’s not helping at the moment @Jynx - it’s just going around in circles. I’m just yeah, not myself. I wish I never had DID 😭😭

my ED is redeveloping, anxiety is sky high. I just yeah, never felt so alone and stuck at wanting the point of not knowing what I want or need or even yeah. 

sometimes I feel like everyone is better off without me……

im safe, im safe 

[Jynx]

@Fluttershy1 Mm sounds like a very rough patch indeed. Have you spoken to your treating team about it all? Be good if you could also find some respite or someone to help with caring responsibilities. Do you have anything on the horizon you're looking forward to?