Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Grace01]

 paiI wanted to say that my husband has not been evaluated by a Dr for his mental health although I have spoken to my dr and also Counseller(who happens to know him).

My husband and I have experienced significant loss and heartache in our lives. He lost his brother(in a balcony fall) and his dad (after a nursing home fire).  There has been other significant losses, too.  His mum, I know, suffers from some type of mental illness (and his grandmother did too). I am aware that some mental health issues are hereditary.

My husband's personality has always been a bit "flighty" and spontaneous.  He took up ART(painting 2003) and is exceptionally good at it. He always has big dreams and likes to achieve them.  I am a realist, I live in the moment and probably a little boring.

I have encouraged him in his art over the years and he has always done so well.

For several years my mum was sick and we were busy with her. She later developed dementia and passed away October 2015. My husband was close to my mum although the caring part did take a great toll on us both.

On March 27, just during Easter my husband asked me to go and check the washing on the line.  When I came back indoors he was gone. I phoned him on the mobile and he told me he couldnt do this anymore - be married; wanted to fulfill his dreams, be selfish, etc.

Naturally I was in shock. He had done this last year(in May 2016). Everything behind my back, the planning and organisation.  Never once sharing with me his struggles. But he came back home after two weeks and received some grief counselling for the loss of his brother and father.

Life came back to normal after those two weeks away last year.

But this time it is different.  He is definately moving on with his life and hasn't really told me many details but I have managed to find out them.

Some people say it's a mid-life crisis for him, and it may well be, but my Dr feels as though it could be something more - Possibly Bipolar but without a proper diagnosis, it is hard to say.

In the weeks he has gone, he has gotten himself into debt $14,000.00.  He met a lady online(in another country) and went to visit her a few weeks ago.  In the short space he has known her, he realises she is the one he wants to be with and her family have suddently become his family,(her daughter and her parents). In all the years I have known and married him(20 years) he never mentioned his love for Japan or even a hint that he liked the country. He loves France so I always thought he would go there. He told me, that when he left me on 27 March 2016 he went to a friend's place and then his mothers place. He had "racing thoughts" and saw the dr the next day who gave him sleeping tablets but advised him to go back to his dr (to see if he could see a specialist, possibly pyschiatrist or pyschologist) but he hasn't done so.

So, he went to Japan just before my birthday. When I saw him before he left I kept asking him where I had gone wrong in our marriage. He replied, "Oh, I am sorry, this is not about you, it's me. You have been a good wife and I give you 97percent". It was all so strange.

In early March he was doing excessive excercise and one morning I heard him talking on his mobile. He rang crime stoppers as he thought the neighbours may have been murdered after some random, strange guy was up to no good in the street.

Getting back to now.  He tells me he is going back to Japan. He has asked his Workplace for UNPAID LEAVE - total of three months and flying out to Japan again(this time on our wedding anniversary).

He has no care for our home; the vegetables and garden that he grew, our pets and definately me).

He is helping somewhat financially but tells me that this home is our investment property. He never seems to take into consideration the pain I feel for his absence and my broeken heart. We were coming up 18 years marriage. He is rather "flippant" about the whole thing.

The man I have come to love and know can be cautious at times but also loving and kind and understanding. This man is different.

I have been told there is nothing I can do unless he harms himself or others. The other day we had this conversation on the phone and he mentioned that there have been times he didn't want to live. And then he switched the phone off. I was so concerned and talked to his boss who checked in on him.  It is so worrying to hear those words but i don't think he was planning anything.

He paints (part time) and has left all his artwork here. He has lost some interest in art and also the football.  He adores football and has lost all interest. I can understand, if he is in love with someone then this could be the reason.

My husband has such a lovel for Australia and the Australian landscape that this new foundlove for Japan has really shocked me.  He seems to have embraced the culture as well. He doesnt speak a word of Japanese and I think neither does his girlfriend.

He has been reluctant to tell me about her but I have managed to find out this side of the story.

He is also gambling excessively again and I must get some legal help asap. 

My friend seems to think this is him just wanting to experience a new life, but the man I have come to know and Love is not like this. We are both committed in our faiths and to our church and he no longer attends church but seems to cling to his faith somewhat.

He is currently living with his family (who are not mentally stable) and they are "fueling" his dreams. His mum has told him to "climb Mt Fuji" . My husband is in his early 40's.  I don't get on well with his mother or his brother(his brother was charged with a sexual assault of our niece a few years ago).

I am receiving counselling and have joined a group(recovery group) but my heart is still heavy for I love this man.  He is very cold towards me now and can get frustrated easilly in our conversations.

So, while he makes big plans, gives up his work (unpaid leave for 3 months), takes out loans and credit cards, and plans a new life with a new woman and her daughter, he is still edgy and irritable.

I have to sit and watch this all unfold and it breaks my heart.

I know that he has told all his family about this "new woman and new family" and I wonder what they think of him and me.  I know, some of his family members looked up to both of us because we were committed in our relationship and our faith. 

I tried to talk to him the other day about my concerns for the "big" changes he had gone through.

I am at a loss, without a diagnosis and also for my future. I am just taking one day at a time, but I worry what he will tell me next. He sends emails to me and the one a few weeks ago said "I am going to Japan on these days and I am sorry things didn't work out for us" Regards xxxxxx .   It was very cold and hurtful.

Any advice would be appreciated.  I was already grieving deeply for the loss of my mum and now it's for my husband.

[Acacia]

Hello @Grace01, welcome to the Forums.

It sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot in recent times and it’s understandable that it has caused changes for him and for your relationship. I can also understand your concern, especially with the gambling debt and the unusual call to the police. It’s reassuring to hear that your husband still in contact with his boss and family so has some support available.

Sometimes grieving can be made more complicated by the uncertainty of mental illness. You might find yourself feeling guilty for focusing on your own needs when your husband may be unwell, or feeling helpless because he isn’t responsive to your suggestions and support. It can be hard to feel comfortable with the process of grieving. It might help to remember that grief takes a different path for everyone. Some days you might feel hopeful and grieving doesn’t have to mean giving up that hope. Someone once told me that grief is not about moving on but about developing a different type of relationship with a person. Is that something that could make sense for you and your husband?

It sounds like taking one day at a time is helping you get through on a day to day basis, and has gotten you through the past month since this has happened. Do you have any other strategies that are helping at the moment?

Welcome once again @Grace01 and please keep posting. There is always someone here to listen.

[Grace01]

Hi and thanks for your reply.  I see a counseller and I have joined a Recovery group based on the 12 step program.

It is helpful.

Yes, I am grieving deeply as my mum passeda away and I was close to her, so this is double grief. I know it's important to take care of myself. I just wished I had more support around me as far as family/friends concerns. My family blame me for him leaving, as we didn't get to go on a holiday overseas, but we were planning it.  My friend feels as though he is "sinning" and i need to address that with him. But I don't feel I want to or have to. 

Grief is hard.  And there are some days that are tougher then others.

Thanks for alllowing me to be part of this forum. I appreciate it. 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Grace01

I have mid-life-crisis husband who has spun out on a different path to what yours has done, but I have still lost him after 30 years of marriage.  There is a stranger in his place, although we do recognise him as the man we used to know from time to time.

We are waiting for a time when a diagnosis and treatment will be possible, but at the moment, we are also in that space that says "while he is in denial, and not actually harming anyone else ..."

We (the kids and I) are nursing heartache, but have resolved to try to stay within his orbit and ride it out to the best of our ability, in the hope of reaching that diagnosis and treatment, and ultimately to try to recover our relationships with him.

In the meantime we have to learn to focus on other things to keep our family life, and lives as individuals, progressing and moving forward.  We choose to walk on eggshells where we have to, to try to keep it all from falling apart, or to keep emotionally abusive behaviour in check, which is part of his illness.  

Looking after ourselves is very important, and we ask the question occasionally, of ourselves and each other, "Are we still okay to go on like this?"  If the answer comes back as, "No" then we will have to reassess the decision to try to work with this.

Whatever decisions we make are hard ones, and grief is a part of this landscape too.

I don't have any substantial answers for you, but I hear you, and empathise.

Please try to do something special for yourself every day, no matter how small, and seek out the company of caring and understanding people, including here.

🌺

[Grace01]

Thank you so much for your encouaring post and sorry to hear what you have (also) been through with your husband. 

My faith is what is helping me get by at the moment and just trying to stay "positive" and hopeful.

I am taking "baby steps" everyday as my heart still hurts for my mum. I was her carer for so long and watched her suffer from dementia until her lung issues got the better of her and she passed away. I thought her death and grief was enough pain and grief for me, but this is worse. After mum passed away, it was a sense of relief for me, too and my husband and I had made plans for the future. There is just the two of us, we lost a baby 15 years ago.  But sadly, he has changed those plans and i have to respect that.

I think, as you said, it's important to be kind enough to myself each day.

Thanks for your kind encouragement.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi Grace01

I lost a beloved mum too early - 15 years ago now.  I hear you with that one too.  At least I had some time distance between that loss and this one.  You must be very raw.  

Keep to your faith.  There will be an amazing mosaic of pattern and design developing behind you if you can stay as positive as possible, and keep trying to draw good out of the bad situations you and walking with at the moment.  I find it healing to give outwards to others when I have the energy to.  Other times I just rest within myself and try to think happy thoughts.  Music helps, and arty things.

Keep open to joy coming to you too.  It's often in the little things that might go unnoticed otherwise.  Someone will give you an unexpected smile.  The cash register will land on a perfectly even number when your shopping goes through.  A bird will sit somewhere near you and sing.  It's Autumn.  You will find yourself walking through a carpet of leaves somewhere.  It will rain just after you have stepped inside your car or the house.  A real downpour that would have left you drenched.  Notice the little joys in the here and now.  They might even make you smile.

Peace. 🍁

[Mazarita]

Hi @Grace01,

I don't often visit the 'Carer's Forum' as I usually spend my time at the 'Lived Experience' forum. But I happened to see your post and wanted to add a voice of support from the 'other side of the fence'. I have long lived experience of bipolar but it was only properly diagnosed in me in 2008. I too destroyed my marriage about 20 years ago with behaviours similar to what you describe with your husband (took off suddenly overseas and had an affair with someone I had only met online). From what you have written, his behaviour sounds very much like bipolar disorder to me, and in a major way. The grief you have both experienced in your life may have been the trigger to send his behaviour into what seems to be mania to me. Mid-life crisis may be part of it but it seems a totally inadequate explanation for the extreme behaviours of your husband, as is 'sinning'. 

Since being diagnosed with bipolar, however, my life has improved to a great extent and it has also improved to a great extent for the people closest to me. Medications especially have helped me find much better balance in my life. There is no 'cure' for this affliction as far as I can see and it is my experience that we who have the illness continue experiencing various manifestations of it throughout our lives. But with good care from psychiatrists, GP and psychology, there can be massive improvements and a much better quality of life for ourselves and those around us. The residual effects I experience even with medication and much support these days are sleep disorder, symptoms of anxiety and depression and much milder ups and downs. I have been in a stable relationship for the past 13 years and we are very happy without me inflicting terrible behaviours on him. 

You mention your husband's artistic leanings and it is now well documented that artists are more vulnerable to bipolar disorder. Creative practice has been my abiding passion throughout life too. If you have the time and inclination, you might look up some of Stephen Fry's videos about having bipolar on YouTube. There are many other well known artists who have the diagnosis too.

My heart goes out to you in what you are going through. It may be small comfort but, from what you have written, I'd have to say that your husband's coldness and ruthlessness in his treatment of you is more likely to be due to a chemical imbalance in his brain than any real intention to hurt you. My treatment of my ex-husband is one of the greatest regrets of my life and haunts me now still. Your husband may well feel the same in time.

Bipolar is a terrible afflication on the person who has it and those around them. I truly hope your husband can somehow find some help with his condition, for his sake as well as yours.

[Grace01]

Mazarita, I am so glad you stopped by as your post was also confirmation that my husband is possibly suffering from bi-polar. I have two friends who have bipolar and they alerted me to the fact that he may be suffering, as well as my dr and Counseller. 

His family are also not so well(mentally) and they would be possibly seeing this as part of his "new adventures" and creativities so they would NOT encourage him to get to the Dr.  I know, he saw a dr, soon after he left me (for he couldn't sleep and had racing thoughts".The dr prescribed sleeping tablets which possibly didn't help the situation.

We have both been through significant loss and I know this has been "triggers" in our lives.  My mum loved my husband very much and said he was the "son" she never had.  After mum passed away, my husband rarely mentioned her and that concerned me greatly.

My Dr feels as though he needs hospitalisation but I don't know how I can get him there. If his family could work with me, we could possibly get him the help that is needed to make him better. 

Now I have had time to reflect on a life with him that has been "Up and down"...and I have been watching numerous Videos on the subject. I must watch those on "Stephen Fry". 

My husband has had various dreams that he has tried to fulfill over the years that I have been married to him. Looking back  I can see that this was probably "mania' or "hypermania".  I just rode with it as I thought it was part of his personality, but maybe not.

No-one in his life cares for him as much as I do and so they would not encourage him to seek Medical help. His sister calls this "mid-life-crisis". My dr said it is more then that.

So at the moment, I sit back and watch the only man I have ever loved slowly de-rail and spiral out of control.

I pray everyday that he may be able to get the help that is needed so he can lead a normal life.

He is a wonderful artist and yes, I had heard that this can be a symptom of BP. I have watched my husband stay up late painting! 

My family have told me that these are the choices he is making. But I know, he probably cannot control what he is doing.

I did have a conversation with him the other day to encourage him to see his dr about his moods. He said he would go, but while he is living "his dreams" he probably woudn't want anything to stop him now.

I know I must take care of myself and I feel I am doing that.  I see my counseller this week.

I am sorry to hear of your experiences, Mazarita.

Is there anything I can do o help my husband get help that is needed?  Thank you!

[ivana]

Hi @Grace01,

Its easy to see why people would think this is a midlife crisis, however there are certain things you mentioned that send up red flags they make it appear that this is more than a midlife crisis going on.

Namely the sudden personality changes,the excessive gambling,huge debt,mentioning he sometimes doesn't want to live and the fact that he still remains edgy even after being with his new girlfriend.

If it was "just" a midlife crisis/discontentment in his marriage,then he should be happy now that he is with his new woman and not be irritable.

I think you mentioned the possibility of bipolar disorder. That may be the case although I just want to bring to your attention that there are other disorders too that can cause these sudden changes in personality and behaviour such as Early Onset Dementia or tumors.

Could you email your husband some info regarding Bipolar disorder symptoms for him to consider?

http://www.everydayhealth.com/bipolar-disorder/can-bipolar-disorder-lead-to-gambling-addiction.aspx

http://neurocritic.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/can-slow-growing-brain-tumor-cause.html 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4467748/#!po=17.1875

http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424053111904480904576496271983911668

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/724017_2

[Mazarita]

@Grace01, getting your husband to seek some help may be difficult at this time. The only thing that comes to mind is to keep suggesting it to him. During manic periods it feels great a lot of the time to the person experiencing a bipolar 'high'. As you say, the likelihood of seeing one's self as having a problem is much less. But, like your husband, I did have 'downs' and other disturbances to the 'high' even during these times. Perhaps the best time to keep raising the issue of medical assistance might be when he is in a less 'high' mood and can perhaps vaguely sense himself that not all is right with his world. If your husband does have bipolar, he is likely to reach a point where he crashes back down to earth in a big way and may go into a deep depression. The only other option I can see for you is to hold on tight and wait for the possible big crash down he may have. Then he will especially need a lot of support. Again, I feel for you with what you are going through and agree that you must look after yourself as number one. You are so wise in seeking counselling for yourself at the least.