Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  ahh yes the purple ones can do that but the one that was worse for me was the "golden standard" one that is a little acidic.... but either way that group is particularly difficult with shakes. that and some antipsychotics i found also made me shake. I mean in some ways yes i am lucky i can be off meds but it is also frustrating because to me it wasnt because it was an option to be off but more that is was NOT an option to be on them. still everyone is different and must do what works best for them even if it isnt a fix all solution. but i would talk to the doc again because there was one time i was getting spasms from a med and my psych gave me a med to get rid of the spasms so idk if that is possible for shakes but you can always ask...

[greenpea]

@marc6x  Hey marc6x 🙂 have tried to do that but then my symptoms come back..... it is like a no win situation. Btw if I dont take my meds my pdoc says she will send me for depot injections as she fears for my safety etc. off the medications. So I am stuck on them at least for the time being. 😞

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  Hey Eden1919 thanks for your info I will ask doc when I see her in a couple of weeks. :)x

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  I am sorry you are stuck in such a difficult situation with the psychitrist and the meds. it is hard because while i understand the concern for saftey i still cant find it in myself to accept that it is morally "right" to do that to anyone and i am likely biased in that but i still it just doesnt sit right with me. at the same time though i think being off meds and keeping safe while also experiencing all the MI symptoms is difficult and for me takes a seriously large amount of self awarness and constant self checking to make sure that i am keeping within certain boundires which is pretty exhausting but for me was still less distressing than being on the meds. it is not a simple problem but hopefully one day they will have found a way around it that doesnt involve crappy side effects. 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919 Hey Eden1919 what you say is so true. You have hit the nail on the head when you say 'self awareness and constant self checking'. I lose all of that when I am off the meds .... it is a weird thing. I just get triggers all over the place and see meaning in things where there is no meaning. I really do admire how you do it and yes it must be exhausting at times. Without medications I believe my car and house are bugged with cameras and microphones. I get voices talking to me, telling me things to do. It is relentless. There are the good sides though .... the magic that I feel at times. Sometimes particularly at night when I am in bed it is really quite magical and spiritual what I experience .... I really wish there was another avenue other than medications just to keep the good experiences of schizo and get rid of the bad.

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  yeah the magic part is something else isnt it. I do still get the voices and thinking people are after me but lately I have been able to bargain with said others simply put they dont want to be trapped and neither do it so we struck a deal so to speak that they interfear as little as possible and in return i let them do what they want when i dont have to be "being normal" it is kind of strange when i think about it but it works and while i still have issues with them some of them will listen to me not all lol but we are working out ways to work together, but then there is always the issue of when i believe people arent themselves or they are out to get me and those times i have simply decided that if they are truly out to get me then there isnt anything i can do and if they arent real and i am in the wrong dimension then again i cant do much about that because if those things are true then they wont let me leave anyway so either way no matter what i do i am stuck and so i just figure i would rather have them think i dont know so that they leave me be and just pretend i am like them and then at the very lest they arent trapping me in the hospital to try and make me one of them.... if that makes any sense. but i have just had to kind of let things go even if they feel horribly wrong because i know in those situations even if i am 100% right i am still pretty much powerless to do anything if they dont want me to. these are just things that work for me but i get that everyone is different. 

as for the magic well i really dont miss that being gone off meds lol it is so nice to be able to feel it at those times and although intense and sometimes overwhelming it is still such a weirdly refreshing thing idk it really is hard to describe but i am sure you know what i mean haha. maybe one day they will be able to give people better options for me though i just try and pick the lesser of 2 evils most of the time. 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  Hey Eden1919 I remember one time being in my kitchen and the voices started screaming at me from all around the room. It was like a carcophony. Other times when my main voice was being on his best behaviour he would whisper seductive things to me .... he was my lover and I loved having him around .... when he was on his best behaviour that is. 

I miss my partner to be honest. It was a special relationship. Just between us BUT I had no control over it and it gradually desended into madness so he had to go along with the nastier voices. Now I am left like a vessel with no water and that is the way I remain until I will die and then I will know what is real and what was not.

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  I understand. it is a difficult situation to be in and it is something i feel doesnt get talked about nearly enough. the missing the psychosis, people assume all of it is scary and you want all of it gone but that is not true and they cant understand why you miss it and feel empty the same way you would when you lose a friend they think it is better in their world but that isnt always the case for everyone. idk what is the best thing to do but i feel like people should be much more sensitive and accepting of peoples feelings when they are making the transition between their world and the one everyone else is in. just because it wasnt real to them doesnt mean you cant have reall feelings about it. 

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  Hey Eden1919 you have hit the nail on the head with what you have written. It is like you cannot have the good without the bad to balance it and now it is just imbalanced towards the neurotypicals' reality. That is all fine and dandy but I miss my special reality and I wish that was better appreciated by doctors and family members.