Lived Experience Forum

[KindHeartedSoul]

TW: Suicidal Ideation, Urges, Self Harm and Dissociation

Content/trigger warning

I’ve been having this ‘out of body’ experience… it’s like I’m watching myself in someone else’s eyes… then as well I’ve been having a very vivid imagery of how and when I should end my life… the grand plan is tweaked and the voices are reminding me why ending my life is the best option for me… no matter how hard I try to ignore them or starve them of my attention, they persistently push their way forward… and when that happens I catch myself of feeling detached to my physical self… all my brain was doing was head miles for minutes at a time… I’ve never had this kind of thing in the past., so now I don’t know what to do? I have this unsettling feeling of doomsday… I can’t seem to shake it off right now… I honestly think I’m losing grip of my mental state as well as now my physical self.. the nagging feeling of wanting to end my own life to acting on it… the vivid imagery scares me but the idea of death doesn’t scare me at all… what does that mean? I don’t know what it means and it’s making me feel more anxious and confused… I can barely make sense of what I’m currently going thru… I think someone have to take control over me as soon as possible before this weekend coz I just don’t know if I can stop myself from myself… I need help and I think I need it now…

[David_888]

@KindHeartedSoul 

Electricity from magnetic pole variances and frequencies [both manmade and natural] go against our head.

They are inherently against us no matter how you shape them.

Over the ages it has been called, the sub, the con and the suss.

You do shape it. Kind of like how you 'catch' it. Rather than force it.

---

Practice changing them. You shape them out of the electricity against our head.

They are always a shadow.

Learn to hate it and pierce through it.

It's okay mate. We have this to deal with too.

Some people just notice it more.

And it's good.

Cause you will pierce the shadow more.

*hug*

[tyme]

Hey @KindHeartedSoul ,

I hear this is very challenging to be experiencing these images and thoughts in your mind that seem so real at this moment.

Please contact crisis lines if you feel the need at any time:

- Lifeline on 13 11 14

- Beyondblue on 1300 224 636

- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467

Otherwise, call 000 if in immediate danger.

For tonight, is there something you can do to distract yourself of self soothe?

[KindHeartedSoul]

I can’t think of any way I could self soothe right now aside from taking x amount of pills which me and my psychologist have agreed that what I’ve been doing this past days and weeks is a form of self harming… which then makes me doing risky behaviours all along… I just want these to stop.. I feel so confused and not myself tonight… do I take them pills and just hope for the best? Or do I call someone for help???

[KindHeartedSoul]

I sit here awake and doing head miles… my brains on hyper mode between the idea of self harming vs actually ending my own life. The feeling of being disconnected from my physical self still lingers with the voices nagging me to just do it! When does this end? Will it ever end? Or is this the end of me? I believe that it won’t get any better than this and that it’s downhill from here unless i let someone take charge… I need to make a decision on whether I see how this will play out or should I make necessary steps to prevent this from taking hold of me? I think it’s time to give a crisis Line a call or atleast talk to someone about the master plan that’s been set by these voices… I feel that slowly I’m losing control bit by bit every minute that passes… the urge to self harm grows stronger with each wave… the idea of actually doing it seems to be the only plan for all these to settle or make it bearable… i wonder if it will change how I feel if I do it with just the intention of just harming myself? But then the tricky part of it is that what if I go one step too far? Would that still help or is it self destructive?

[Bookworm]

Hi @KindHeartedSoul 

I'm sorry to hear that things are so difficult at the moment. We've sent an email checking in, but I think your idea to call a crisis line is a good idea at the moment. 

Take care,

Bookworm

[Appleblossom]

Hello @KindHeartedSoul 

I could relate so much to your posts, especially about 10 years ago.

There are different ways of thinking about dissociation. 

Saw a recent video on stoicism that spoke of of zooming in and zooming out as we reflect on ourselves.  I find it helpful to be philosophical about life as well as understanding various theories about mental health.  To only look through the mental illness lens can create self fulfilling prophecies.

There are some aspects of Self 1 and Self 2 which are used in performance arts.  I first studied psychoanalysis and social theory in mid 1980s which is where I came across the "Dissociation" word and have had a lot of reflection on it.

Other concepts in your post that spoke to me ... were about personal agency and surrender ... which to me beg the ... questions of things we can and cannot control .... I am wondering if our bodies want to separate from the mental part of us that may be thinking about or making plans for an exit from life.  Makes sense it does not want to be hurt.  Internally we can argue back and forth, or sometimes spontaneous images jump to mind.  Hearing you have done LOTS of work in dealing with all this.

I hope you were able to talk to someone who could help and received supportive emails.  Not sure what the right thing to do is re taking meds.  I have taken them at higher doses to get through really difficult times but am working on titrating down at the moment. I will still take prn as needed.  It is the way I have been able to gradually get my meds down.