Lived Experience Forum

[P12]

Does anyone know of any methods to overcome cognitive dissonance? I refer to the mental distress caused by needing to hold contridictory ideals simultaneously. My experience is that I am an outsider in society and must act in order to fit in. The acting causes distress. I am not able to act naturally because when I have tried I have been subject to mistreatment, which causes greater distress.

[Aniela]

@P12 

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy theories can probably help you with that. I have learned to hold opposing ideas at the same time. For example: I am annoyed at my boyfriend AND I love him. For me, putting the word "AND" instead of "but" is a skill I use to hold both ideas. 

[Aniela]

@P12 

Here are a few strategies to learn to think dialectically (hold 2 opposing views at the same time.)

http://dbtmarin.com/blog/2009/11/03/ways-to-think-and-act-dialectically 

[saltandpepper]

Hey @P12 

I can't say I'm 100% sure what cognitive dissonance is. But from what I can gleam in your post is you're saying you don't fit the typical 'society' mould and people haven't been very nice about it, so you feel like you need to act 'normal'--is that about right?

What I'm going to say is possibly not at all helpful, but is well meaning none the less.

At some point, we all have to adapt to survive. Whether it's at home, work, school, job interviews, etc. There's a whole host of scenarios in life that require us to not be true to ourselves. But on a general day-to-day basis, if you're being true to who you are and other people don't like it, then those people aren't your people. And if they take it so far as to ridicule you, then those people need a firm kick up the ass. A lot of people need a firm kick up the ass. Reality is people are always going to judge and most people will always feel so insecure about their own image and identity that they need to persecute anyone that interferes with their ideals. It is never about you, and only ever about them. People don't like to take a look at themselves, their issues, their faults or their fears. If they're ever confronted with them, subconsciously or not, their response is to defend themselves which often results in attacking others. It's messed up, but I think the key thing to remember is that when people feel the need to ridicule others, it's coming from a place of their own insecurities--and they most likely aren't even aware of that.

You certainly shouldn't have to feel like you need to fit into some sort of mould to be accepted. If there are people in your life that have this affect on you, I'd advise you to talk to them about it, or if that's not an option, move on from them. You are entitled to be who you are, you deserve to grow into the person you want to be. You can't change the way other people view themselves or the world, but you can choose to not let it affect who you are as a person. Their issues are theirs, they don't have to become yours. I would never ask anyone I love to change who they are or hide who they want to be. Loving someone is accepting them. You don't have to understand or agree with everything about someone to love them.

I hope that helps, and sincerely apologise if not. Wishing you all the best mate.

[chibam]

I don't know anything about cognitive dissonance, but

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@P12 wrote:

My experience is that I am an outsider in society and must act in order to fit in. The acting causes distress. I am not able to act naturally because when I have tried I have been subject to mistreatment, which causes greater distress.

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...is something I can relate to very well. That used to be my life, except instead of distress, I think I would say more that the perpetual acting just wore down my spirits, to the point where I think by the end, I was probably really half-assing it.

Actually, to be fair, I don't think it was the acting itself that wore me down, as much as being trapped in an environment that was so alien to my own character that it necessitated me pretending to be someone I wasn't in order to appease others, if that makes sense? If I'd been in a community that I belonged to, basking in their presence would've been fulfilling for me, and me just being myself would've been fullfilling for them. If I'd been in the right community, there would've been no need to act. So my need to act was really just a symptom of the true problem, not the true problem itself. I hope I'm making sense.

And to make matters worse, because I couldn't truly understand what the people around me actually wanted from me, I suspect I wasn't acting the part correctly, hence they started being disrespectful towards me. So I was going through all that trouble for nothing.

Eventually, they seemed to just get tired of exploiting my desperation and left me alone. Not before defaming me as severely as they possible could, however. Aside from immediate family, that was basically the end of my human contact, so it's not a happy ending, unfortunately, even though the torment ended.

The truth is that very few of us are actually born into our home communities, so we need others to forge the inroads we need to enter our true community. And unfortunately, trying to bargain that assistance from those "others" is often a very tricky and sometimes hopeless prospect.

My point is that even if you are able to do an solid job of acting the part these other people want from you, there's no guarantee that that will be a road to what you ultimately want. So I think that's something to be cautious of.

However, in terms of improving your acting and lessening the psychological burden it places upon you, perhaps it might be helpful to single out a particular person, and try to base your performance upon them? I'm not suggesting you go around behaving as a carbon-copy of someone else, but I always found it helped to flesh out my performances when I had another established character to serve as a reference for the matters I wasn't clear on.

[P12]

Thank you, @Aniela, @saltandpepper, and @chibam, for the suggestions.