Am i really that selfish?

[Sans911]

I hope I have overstepped the mark or offended you with my response.

@outlander

[outlander]

@Sans911@ i honestly dont even know how to interact with people offline anymore, its making it hard to even interact here too. its hard as i dont like really talking about family becasue i dont want others to have bad opinions of them. they are my main source of stress though but a huge part of me which makes it harder to even think bad about them

i dont know how to stop seeking their approval, i dont know how to be different or better. i try to remember the different upbringings, and that i cant control them, and they have their own troubles etc but its still so hard. my mind and body feed of their emotions even unintentionally, it sucks all of it in.

ive so many questions and thoughts in my head of 'why am i bothering' 'why am i seeking help' 'why am i even studying' 'what is the point'

im scared and feel so alone in this world. theres so much building up inside, its making me get teary yet i cant. my head says i should stop, i should just give up. but my heart says the opposite. im trying so hard to see past this, to keep that hope that things will be ok. i just wish i could make it stop....

[outlander]

No, your not overstepping anything at all sis. im sorry, that is to much. please dont feel obligated to respond. i dont want to loose you to. 

[Sans911]

I don't think your family is bad @outlander

I would think there's no malice in the way they treat you. Whatever their reason, be it the way they were brought up, your position in the family or something else, they've established patterns of behaviour that are entrenched, similar to the patterns of behaviour you've learnt in order to feel OK and find a place in your world. Every person is always doing the best they can at any time. But all of us can always do better.

I can feel your hurt, and I feel helpless to take that away from you. I'm sorry life is like this for you lil Sis. I really am. You interact fine here on the forums, but you have that level of anonymity that makes it easier for all of us to be more vulnerable, honest and raw.

You're never going to loose me @outlander

As long as I'm breathing I'll always be here for you. You have my word. You can try to push me away but I'll keep coming back. You make a difference in my life sweetheart, and my days are often better because you're in it. Hugs and hugs my angel.

[outlander]

Oh dear..... You made my flood gates open @Sans911 so much for no tears.....

You make my days much better too. Youve always got my support and love even when im not online. I do hope you remember that too. Thank you for not giving up on me..
It is just so bloody hard trying to live some days. Its tiring. So stressful.

Can i come and sit with you for abit? I feel so unsettled tonight,even more than usual. 

[Sans911]

There's tears here too hun. Come sit next to me for a big sister hug.

@outlander

[outlander]

Sounds good to me sis ❤ ❤
R u ok?
@Sans911

[Sans911]

OK as I can be @outlander

Tired and still in a fair bit of pain. It's hard to sleep with back pain. Everytime I turn over I pretty much wake myself up due to the amount of pain I'm in.

I'll tell you something funny that happened tonight. Jasper and I were actually 'talking' to each other for a couple of minutes. I was making the noises he makes, and he was responding. So cute. They're both stretching out at the moment. Oh, actually make that Jasper has come for his upside down cuddle!

[Sans911]

 @outlander