Living with Ourselves

[Anastasia]

Hello dear @HenryX 

Thank you for saying hi. I hope you are well?

I'm not very involved at present, times are tough here. Think it's only going to get progressively more challenging over the coming days so I'm sorry I'm not around as much. 

Stay safe, hugs always to you and all here 🛩️

[Anastasia]

Hello beautiful @Sophia1 

I'm happy to share with you.

For years I didn't tell anyone I have anxiety, I felt embarrassed, different and used to say no to invitations, not travel to places...miss out. 

My boys mental illness and becoming educated and aware that what I was suffering from is actually anxiety has allowed me to mention it at times if I feel safe to do so.

It has progressively become worse and is pretty much a daily battle now from being a carer.  I do my best to manage it, some days I do a better job than others. I have had a psychologist who has provided me with insight to enable me to talk myself through what's going on in my head at the times when I really need to. She's on maternity leave now and I think I'm on a slippery slope and I really need to investigate someone to talk to sooner rather than later. 

As far as adapting with people I don't know, funnily enough that does not bring on anxiety for me. I was always a very sociable person, loved people, events, anything social but since my boys illness and now the lockdown both crowds of people and social events have no appeal at all to me.

I think it comes down to the fact that I have nothing to talk about. My entire life revolves around my boy. What can I say when someone says what did you do on the weekend. They don't want to hear, nor do I want to reply with I kept my boy safe. That's extreme I know and it's not always the response that comes to mind but for so many years it was the truth.  I certainly don't have lots of exciting stories to swap when it comes to social catch ups so I just don't. In that regard Covid lockdown has been my friend.  I do feel very alone and different mostly.

Now my anxiety and the level of it revolves around my boy and if he's ok, if he's out, or if I have to go out if that makes sense? I know I sound over the top but I guess it comes with years of living on the edge. 

My hearing aid...

I put this off for years. I have finally chosen one having been lucky enough to have a trial for a few weeks. I was impressed with it but I haven't got the funds after the recent surgery I had. I am hoping that before the end of the year I can make the purchase. I don't qualify for any assistance and my health fund doesn't provide a rebate. It was a little one that sat behind my ear and was pretty much invisible due to my hair. 

I went to Specsavers after seeing the audiologist in kahoots with my ent and can save thousands. It's not identical but so close that I'm going to go down that path when I can. I figure something has got to be better than nothing even if it isn't as amazing as the one I trialled. (Hope so 🙏)

Yes, hearing loss is frightening and some people have no patience. I wish I could hug you right now. I really struggle at times and pre lockdown in the office any functions I sat there smiling and nodding hoping that I was doing it at the right intervals. I am very much looking forward to being able to purchase one. 

I hope some of my responses help you feel less alone Sophia. You are a very kind soul and I know how much time and effort goes into your thoughtful responses. So I wanted to share with you 💛

Thank you for your lovely message. 

Love and hugs Sophia 🌼🌸🌼

[Former-Member]

@Sophia1 

[Sophia1]

Hello @RedHorse 

Lovely to hear from you about such an enjoyable day you had..

Gardening is such a joy to the soul isn't it..

I love being out there..

I love to see new growth and return to see the development...

I don't have an edible section yet...

only a few scattered herbs in amongst other plants..

Eventually I hope to have a raised garden bed with some vegetables..

More herbs..

Need to  see size and shape of garden bed which husband will make and sometimes does not turn out as I imagine or what I ask for...happy that he has made something though..

I need to get outside now..

humid today...humidity is very draining for me..

I have some native plants...succulents new for me to grow so experimenting....as well as cottage plants...perennials...and more..

forever learning...

Your feeling of joy from the garden went with you to the person repairing your glasses...

those feelings are infectious when people are open....welcomed to help their day also...

Mind you sharing...not in the least...love it..

I also love random..right up my alley..

I also ..this can go on and on ....love reading as well  as writing letters..

You can write me a letter if you like..

I actually started a virtual letter writing thread that turned into a fantasy type virtuality and then changed again into several stories happening at once..

It is collecting cobwebs at the moment..

I intend returning there even if I end up writing to myself..

Look forward to hearing from you

Sophia

💛Sunshine to help your garden grow and help warm your heart..

induce happiness...

[Sophia1]

They  are beautiful @Former-Member 

You are so caring leaving me beautiful old fashioned roses...my favourite..

Thank you for your kind words about my being brave enough to open up..

still feel rather fragile and vulnerable around that..

this I realise is because it is a new feeling...will take time for me to feel comfortable..

Sorry to hear about your friend having surgery and now needing more..

That is very hard for you to hear..

I sense that you are very close and that person means a lot to you..

Knowing that you are supporting them...are you able to visit..is that an option for you? would be a great way of not only helping them but helping you...I know that you are a giver and that is your way of feeling appreciated...I am similar..

Please be kind to yourself at this time also..

If you are like me...it can  be very easy to try and take some of their pain away...only to find own pain starting to overload..

Hope that makes sense..

here are my flowers to you 

  

I love that they are resting on an open page of what could be a journal..

a place to write your thoughts..

those that might be troubling you still..

or thoughts of what your friend means to you and what they give you..

you could perhaps write some of these feelings in a card..without having to mention their surgery..

a pressed flower placed inside the card..

my idea..does not have to be yours of course..

Sophia 💜

[Sophia1]

hello @Anastasia 

Thank you for sharing your difficult journey with anxiety..

I know only too well the anxiety that is provoked when it comes to trying to support our unwell sons within systems that just do not fit the needs..

Communication around so many questions that we do not have time or energy to think of all of them...

Attempted hours of research into diagnosis only to be led to endless research...endless efforts ...hope drained and dashed..

Non acceptance by sons...from my point of view totally understandable given the systems that do not work only serve further to make them try to flee...induce fear and reinforce stigmatism..

It is a rabbit warren for the unwell ....

some staff and doctors really a re there to make a difference but the system stops them at a certain point..

then they have to go back and start all over again with another patient..

Carers having to keep on asking questions....seeking other avenues for answers...support..

never finding what actually fits..

too many moments of hope when referred on...only to end in a neverending circle..

My family member has a birthday soon which only induces anger and psychosis...his life experiences of being alone and in whatever phase of not being in his own home...boarding houses....on the street...

His anosognosia what a mouthful..fuelling him to defend his rights...

I had he major depression on and off since a young child...the anxiety reared it's ugly head following on from life experiences with unsupportive family and many more..

I wore a mask throughout my working career..at work and at home and socially..

Even now I am seen as bubbly, friendly when I am not in tears or arriving late ..

I am worn out now ...the mask stopped fitting after son first fled the state..

loss of friends and my sister's partner all  about the same time..

Then working hard to hide the anxiety just not working when overwhelmed with unresolved piles of grief..

I am still here though as is my son...we are still being us...resilient and persistent..

so many parallels between us..

Reading about the hearing loss and how you have helped the anxiety @Anastasia @Shaz51  who also has far much on her plate with her own health concerns added...actually helps me feel less alone with it...

So thank you both..

Triplets...

Anastasia we were three amigos with appleblossom weren't we..

our triplets are expanding..

Sophia💜

[Shaz51]

Quads @Sophia1 , @Anastasia , @Appleblossom 🥰❤❤☕☕

Just had lunch 

Washed mum's hair 

Mr shaz getting a couple of sunspots removed this afternoon  xx

[Sophia1]

oh my our cause is growing..

well done @Shaz51 

four faithful friends @Shaz51 @Anastasia @Appleblossom 

well done in achieving washing your mum's hair...that is often the one thing people with that illness cannot cope with..

I hope that Mr Shaz manages his anxiety and feels good about himself after for using self care.

Sophia 💜

[Shaz51]

Thank you @Sophia1 ❤

Mr shaz is very anxious at the moment,  so that is why we have taken the whole day off today xx

[Appleblossom]

@Shaz51  @Former-Member @Anastasia 

@HenryX 

@Sophia1 

What you wrote is so true...

"from my point of view totally understandable given the systems that do not work only serve further to make them try to flee...induce fear and reinforce stigmatism..

It is a rabbit warren for the unwell ...."

So SO SAD.

As I was so young when first in touch with "the MH system" ie 10 years old, I had trust and faith, because I simply had to and they were all powerful in our lives.  Now I am much more measured in my belief in its efficacy.  I keep chipping away at trying to improve things, but the failures and betrayals are there.  Yet to live without hope tends to make for even worse outcomes ..... so ....