Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[tryintokeepsane]

yes i understand what you are saying. let me give you an metaphor, how long do you think the water spills from a glass if you keep on pouring water in it? it wont take too long. well, our bodies and minds are exactly the same. water was a metaphor for stress, if you have continuous stress in your life for a long period of time, it wont take long at all before you are too negatively impacted. this is why stress management techniques are so very important, specially when the stressor is chronic and has no immediate solution.

have you guys thought about relationship counselling? maybe if he starts to talk about 'our problems' he may feel less like he is being the problem and may eventually, hopefully, agree to have individual counselling. you talked about the pattern between you guys where you leave him alone for few days and then start talking again. this is not very effective and useful unfortunately, silent treatment and being passive aggressive is actually very damaging to the relationship and learnign how to best communicate your concerns and raise those issues are very important. this can happen again when you put your needs first and manage your stress because then you will be better able to respond to him. i read a very nice article last night and they mentioned that it is important to recognise you are not your husband's therapist and ensuring your needs are first is also important. they talked about the metaphor where in the airplanes they always tell you to put your oxygn mask on first then your children's because if you are not well then you wont be in a position to help others either. good job re your social engagement ie play group, volunteers. increase these if you can, or organise play activities or sporting activities with your children, it will have a positive impact on you too ie bike riding, swimming, playing soccer etc. all these group activities are good and maybe when your husband sees this change in you, he may be more motivated to change... fingers crossed!

[clarity]

hey thanks for your message and support, yes have tried the marriage counselling thing but thats basically something unheard of in his culture. it looks like you have seruiously lost it, so imagine what a physcologist might do to the family? lol...i brought up again talk therapy and how it may of huge benefit to him but his repsonse is...Ive tried everything and how is that going to help?". but he does hint that he mught consider it, so does that mean I have to go about like usual and organise everything for him? or should i just lay back and if he wants to...he will? he is seriously not one to go about and make the decision and do it so easily. most of the time it takes alot of talking and persisting and usually it always ends up with me doing the calls and the pushing and the waiting in the car for him to take him...sighs...i dont know..to be honest i feel negative just thinking about hte situation and also feel crappy today anyway. today is a down day on it all i guess, a day where i should be happy about purchasing a new vehicle i feel most miserable and stressed at his attitude and i am worried about my kids esp my eldest at 8 who seems to have high levels of stress herself. her reaction to thigns are quite over the top when i htink it should be lower. fingers crossed and praying this summer season brings good new ideas and actions for us all....

[tryintokeepsane]

oh i am sorry to hear you are not doing well today, congrates on the new car. it is understandable why you are feeling like this so dont be too harsh on yourself. 

if you think your husband can move forward with some help then it may be a good idea to be there when he makes the call to the doctor or have you as a support person for his first session. it is helpful for most people. follow your insticts, most times you know what to do.

also about your daughter, the parents mental health will always affect the kids, has she been connected to any services? referral to a child psychologist or counsellor will be very helpful for her too. it must be such a confusing thing for her to watch her father unwell and withdrawan and kids around that age often blame themselves for their adults behaviours so they too can develop depression or behavioural issues. 

now that you have your new car, go for a nice drive with your children, get some ice cream and play music and try to have some fun even if it is for 10 minutes, it will help you lift up your mood 🙂

[Shaz51]

hi tryintokeepsane  ,              clarity                    

    Oh ,   thank you for you support and messages, we have so much in common , I have to organise everything for him,