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HoneyOne
Senior Contributor

Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

When I first met my partner, 2 years ago... he would alternate between being amazing, a superhuman --- to being a complete mess.

 

At his best, he is caring, charming, excited, captivating.

 

At his worst, he would go on 2-week-long drinking binges. Pay women $$$ to spend a week with him in bed. He once sent me a video of him having sex with another woman.  He would be admitted to the emergency department when he was so close to the end of it all. He has an assistant that would cover for him for any work commitments.

 

It was very early in our relationship, so it was quite clear his behaviour had nothing to do with me. He didn't even know me.

 

His family is tired of dealing with him. They live across the other side of Australia. They offer little emotional support and I have the feeling they would preferred it if he drunk himself to death.

 

Anyway, when I came along, he was motivated to start a fresh life. Eventually, I put the pieces together and got him diagnosed with Bipolar II in February 2020.

 

When he was first put on medication, the meds worked quite well. He was mostly stable with some down periods.

 

He set himself some personal goals, and he's blew them out of the water!

 

He has been more forthcoming with his emotions than he's ever been in his whole life. He's now in healthy weight range. And longtime aquaintences of his say they've never seen him look better. (Unfortunately he doesn't have any deeply connected friends.)

 

But over the last few months, there's been increasing friction between us. And by friction, I mean fights.

 

We've been in couples counselling, at his request, for most of our relationship. The first counsellor was dealling with the trainwreck of the start of our relationship. So that round of counselling didn't really make any progress.

 

We have a new counsellor, and she is much better. She asks probing questions, explains why triggers and habits are in effect and give us clear strategies to try.

 

However, I continue to find it very hard to get him to listen/understand my needs. When I feel like he's not listening, I get more upset and assertive with expressing my needs, he takes it as a critism then we end up in a fight.

 

He will always 'leave' the situation and me. And I have abandonment issues from my early childhood experience. So this leaves me feeling very vulnerable.

 

He's estranged from his two boys (18 and 20 yo) and it was Father's Day on Sunday.

 

He had already been getting more agitated over the last few weeks.

 

He would get irritated that I leave my tea cups around the place, yet his clothes are scattered everywhere.

 

He gets irritable if he's calendar isn't mostly full of things to do.

 

He's irratated that I've asked him for more space and time to focus on my business.

 

For the last few weeks, I've been saying to my partner I feel like he's controlling me.

 

He's taken up cooking in the last 6 months, now he does 98% of the cooking. Which at first pass, is amazing. But he will insist on me assigning a time we can both eat together, 3 meals a day. It feels more controlling than nurturing.

 

He wants to make every Friday night Pizza night, every Sunday morning Pancake morning.

 

He drove me to my hairdresser appointment and to a business meeting.

 

He says he's looking after me. And I know it must sound petty. But it actually feels controlling.

 

I realised last week, there doesn't seem to be any joy in anything we do. It all seems like work.

 

We've taken up spanish and ballroom dancing, two things I love, but they don't feel joyous.

 

On Saturday, I told him I wanted to go to the beach with the goal of working on my summer tan. It was 20 deg and windy. We were sitting at the cafe and he almost tries to force me to sunbake because that's what I said was my goal for the day.

 

Saturday was terrible. Then Sunday, being Father's Day was worse. He said some critical things to me. I went into the bedroom to journal about my feelings because he had cut me off twice when I tried to express them.

 

He follows me into the bedroom to ask me when I'm going for a run because he wants to go and eat pancakes.

 

Anyway, I just couldn't take the picking anymore and I got cranky. I told him how unpleasant the beach experience was for me.

 

I said next time I wouldn't invite him as I just wanted a few hours free of obligations. A few hours to have fun.

 

He said two things to me - He asked me to leave. And he asked me if I wanted him to start talking to someone else... which I picked up to mean, start seeing someone else.

 

He left, I stayed in our apartment.

 

With that comment about another 'someone', something he hadn't said to me before, I researched and saw he had a new 'friend' on the language app we use to learn Spanish. A very attractive, young, blond 'friend'.

 

With my abandonment issues, this made me see read.

 

When I interogated him about it, he said he had made friends with a few top point scorers on the app. This is factually incorrect. She wasn't a top scorer and there weren't any other 'friends' he'd connected with on the app.

 

Then his story changed to she must have connected with him. When I checked her profile she had a total of 12 friends, all of whom looked like people she would know. Not a random person across the globe.

 

So then I write to her, and ask her... how did they come to connect?

 

And I told him I emailed her to ask.

 

She responds quite promptly with a very similar story... 'she's not really sure. Maybe it was the time when she was being more 'social' on the app.' It just seemed too contrived. If feels like he bought her something nice or paid her cash to write that response to me.

 

Now he's gone to a hotel room and blocked me from contacting him.

 

I just rang the Sane support line and had a really insightful chat.

 

It was just explained to me that it's likely my partner's anxiety that makes him want to be with me all the time. Seems like my feeling of being controlled are justified, despite my partner's claims he is acting in my best interests.

 

The counsellor also explained to me that my partner DOES NOT have the right to debrief me on every thought in his head whenever he wants to. My partner thinks he does have that right and tells me he wants a partner who will listen to him always.

 

It feels to me that if I'm not available to him when he wants it, he will go and find another woman who will willingly oblige.

 

The advice is to set boundaries, find autonomy and independance. We would need to set a new dynamic, one that is balanced.

 

Interestly, I had expressed the same thoughts to my partner, but not so eloquently.

 

He can look to adjusting his meds, that might work. 

 

I found he a great psychologist that he's only seen a handful of times. I could insist he sees her weekly, but if he doesn't want to open up, her assistance is limited.

 

Honestly, I don't know if it's worth the effort. I don't know if I can ever truely trust or rely on him. 

 

How do you know if you can ever truely trust of rely on anyone, even if they don't have a mental illness?

 

Or should I just cut my losses and go. I'm 41 so it's an important time to make that decision.

 

I would really appreciate any life lessons on offer!

 

Thanks for reading!

30 REPLIES 30

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@HoneyOne  Hey HoneyOne and welcome to the forums :). I have schizoaffective disorder and I would say run, run like the wind and dont look back whereas my son2 with multiple disorders including schizophrenia says 'She is lucky she has a partner at all' (he is single and would love a partner). In all seriousness though dont put up with bad behaviour from anyone.but again it is your choice at the end of the day not mine to make. Take good care of yourself. greenpea

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@HoneyOne I am 2 years into my relationship with my biploar partner and suffer similar abuse, similar Jekyll and Hyde behaviour. He doesn't hook up with other women and he doesn't drink but he finds other ways to abuse me and my loyalty.

I too am cut off from my family because I didn't leave when he had his first major meltdown 6 weeks into our relationship.

However his is not a recent diagnosis and following a marriage breakup 15 years ago developed ptsd as well. Also on the autism spectrum so is very literal; pull your socks up means exactly that which can be kinda cute sometimes and completely draining at others.

Control, yes. He has been in meltdown for months now and becomes more controlling every day. I woke up one morning and realised how my situation mirrored that of an abused spouse, except that he does it to everyone.

He only leaves the house, my house, for medical appointments. He moved here for first lockdown in March and never left whereas prior to covid he was at his place 50% of the time while he had his teenage boys. Now they come here. Mine are 15 years older than his and live overseas so I thought I was well past caring for kids.

Back to control. I believe his attempts at absolute control over me is because not just his own world, but the whole world, is totally out of control right now.

Right now I have no answers but I'm seeking professional help to try to implement some boundaries to keep my own mental health a bit safer.

I have no advice, but you are not alone. x

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

Hi @greenpea 

Thank you so much for listening and for your response.

I've read quite a few of your posts.

I'm sorry for the battles you must be facing.

The toughest part is feeling alone, scared and like no one will listening - and I'm not even aflicted with the disorder.

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you and others facing mental illness.

The hardest thing imaginable is not being able to trust yourself and your own judgement.

I still haven't heard from my partner. He's not taking anyone's calls right now.

I spoke with his psychiatrist that's managing his medication and he wasn't able to provide any support until my partner recovers enough to contact him.

I really appreciate this forum and your supportive words.

I'm trying to stay grounded and focus on activities I had planned in my calendar.

I've reached out to friends to have chats. 

I'm not mentioning this round of troubles as I've leant heavily on them in the past and I don't want to fatigue them.

But hearing from them is lovely.

Putting my side of the story in writing on here has been really cathardic.

I hope it might help someone else in the future, as all the previous posts from others has been helping me.

Lots of love to you @greenpea 

xx

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@HoneyOne  HoneyOne we get alot of posts from partners of those with a mental illness and they are mostly like yours. You are not alone. It actually breaks my heart to hear that people feel the need to ask if they should stay with a person who is for example not taking medication and is manic etc. It is not something that anyone can answer.... but you are still young and there is time on your side. I was originally diagnosed with bipolar I and I have to say that I was out of control most of the time..... I am best alone. I have friends and family but as for a partner I just cannot give out the attention that the partnership requires. I am just too damaged. Now this is me I am not saying that all people with schizoaffective disorder or bipolar are like that but it is alot to take on. Just look after yourself. peax

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

Hi @SJT63 

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It does sound very similar to mine.

 

My partner is a little higher on the Autism spectrum too (but not enough to be diagnosed). One of his sons is Autistic.

 

I agree, Covid have accentuated problems. ie there just doesn't seem to be enough opportunities for separate activities, interests and space.

 

I'm curious as the activities your partner does that you find difficult to manage. Would you mind sharing?

 

 A few weeks ago, I said to my partner that it feels like the 'controlling' aspects are akin to domestic abuse. This really upset him and he said if I feel the relationship is domestic abuse than I should leave.

 

In his perspective, his behaviours has been in my best interest. He's 'caring' and 'providing' for me.

 

I organised a session for me, him and his psychologist a few weeks ago. I don't think I could quite explain what was going on, so most of the conversation focused on our communication and my ability to allow my partner to do things for me.

After reading the posts on this forum, I think I have some new insights.

It's silly that I didn't think to get on this forum before now.

 

I'm a pretty good researcher, so I too am eager to see if boundary setting is practical.

One of my struggles with my partner is that I feel overly 'planned'. It feels like there is no room for spontaneity and joy. I'm unclear how to get my own time without 'planning' it. Without feeling like I need to account for my activities during my own time.

 

Some ideas I've had on this is:

- Going to a co-working space to get out of the house for a set number of hours per day.

- Attending at least one Bipolar support group for friends and family.

- Having a daily walk together to check on how each of us is feeling that day.

- Solo Saturday mornings - having independent time from 10am - 12:30 most Sat mornings.

- Having my own therapist to deal with my abandonment issues.

 

I feel like there is a conflicting battle at play though. It's almost like I need to be closer to my partner than normal relationships require to assist him EARLY if he need help. 

 

But that I need to ensure there is space so that I don't feel suffocated. Likes he's taking up all the air in the room.

 

Do you have any suggestions to add? Have you tried anything, successful or unsuccessfully?

 

What keeps you in your relationship?

 

Thanks again for all your support!

xx

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

Hi @greenpea ,

 

I would love to tell you the great things about my partner:

 

1) He is kind to my mum, and to all people. She doesn't speak much English and most people have been mean to her her whole life.

2) He has given so much to others and actually asks for very little in return. Hence why when he tells me he's doing all those activities for me, I know he believes this to be true.

3) We can talk for hours. I love spending time with him, most of the time, until the mania sets In and I get exhausted.

4) We're best friends. He's made so much progress in the last 9 months. He shares more of himself and takes on board half of my concerns. Which is pretty good, but lots of room for improvement.

 

Honestly, I love him to bits. The bipolar behaviour is the challenging part. And the mistrust and secrecy that goes along with it.

 

Are there any parts of you and your personality you enjoy?

 

What do others say are your awesome qualities?

xx

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@HoneyOne  He sounds like a super person with a complex character :). Please dont think I am out to bag him I definately am not :)x.

 

I am loyal and love my family and friends. I try and never give up. I like the magical side of my mental illness.  Having schizoaffective disorder is magical hard to explain but you think differently. See things differently. Can be incredibly selfish to be honest because we are just not hooked into other peoples feelings and yet the flipside can be charming too. Again I am talking about myself  here everyone is different.

 

I would not give up my mental illness for anything. I would love to give up my meds and live in this wild colourful world that my schizoaffective disorder brings on. I hope all of that makes sense. xx

 

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

Thanks for the insights @greenpea 

 

Yep, that all makes sense, particularly from what my partner has told me.

 

He's not been all that interested in others since he was a teenager. It's more interesting in his own head, as you've explained. And no wonder he wants to tell me every detail of what's going on in his head.

 

I'm glad you can see your charms too. All very endearing qualities.

 

Your comments are also helpful. I've been feeling like he doesn't really 'see' me. 

 

About 6 months ago, I had to tell him he needed to ask questions about me. Which his does a lot more now. Often he won't remember the details of what I've told him. When he really concentrates he does, but not in casual conversations.

 

Every relationship has trade-offs right. How important is it that he listens to the details I share with him?

 

The other women is heartbreaking though.

 

Thanks for responding.

xx

Re: Living with a Bipolar partner - How do you know when you've had enough?

@HoneyOne  just remember what a clever, important person you are and that you deserve respect. There is a saying 'Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me'. Take care. peax

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