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BlueBay
Senior Contributor

Letter to my mum (triggering)

@Owlunar  @Shaz51 @Gazza75 @Flying_Hams @Former-Member and others following 

 

Dear mum

I’ve been angry with you for a long time. Actually 9 years.

You see over 40 yrs ago, when I was aged 9-12  I was sexually abused by your neighbour, your brother and your son. Yes you read right - your son.

 

Where were you? Where were you all those years ago. Why didn’t you help me, save me, rescue me. Why didn’t you stop it from happening.

where were my hugs and love.

All I ever wanted was for you to believe me, hug me and love me.

I lost all trust in all people including you.

 

When I told you 9 years ago I got into trouble for speaking up. I was yelled at, I was finger pointed and not believed - all by you.

How can you not believe me?

How could you be so cold about this. How could you let me walk out of your house hysterically without even consoling me. How can you just sit there even now and not talk about it. How can you ignore the situation that your first daughter born was sexually abused.

You always wanted to hide things from dad. Don’t tell dad this snd don’t tell him that. Why. Even to this day I don’t even know if he knows.

I’m angry.   A mum is meant to nurture their children. Mums are meant to love unconditionally- but with you there were always conditions.

I craved for your love as a child. I needed you but you were never there.

Maybe when I was born 10 weeks prem I shouldn’t have survived. You weren’t even there for me then either.

 

to this day I still struggle with the abuse and the diagnosis of BPD depression anxiety and ptsd.

do you know thst so many times I’ve self harm and thought of ending my life -all because  of what happened to me as a child and the lack of love I got from you.

 

 

Life is full of struggles stress pain tears.

 

I know in my heart that I’ve done nothing wrong.  I was taken advantage of.

 

I hope that one day you can see what you’ve done to me. But if you don’t I know that I did nothing wrong. But you as a mother failed me big time.

 

12 REPLIES 12
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Letter to my mum (triggering)

Few words @BlueBay , only huge admiration for you. And so many emotions stirred up on your behalf .. top of the list being anger sadness and confusion. 😡 😭

 

Sending love and understanding. 💕

 

Sherry

Re: Letter to my mum (triggering)

Thanks @Former-Member 

I hope I haven’t triggered you. 

❤️❤️

Re: Letter to my mum (triggering)

@BlueBay   well done on writing that

letter, that just proves how much strength you really possess.

 

And you are extremely right, it was

never your fault  - and she failed entirely as your mother.

 

Also remember this - you are a thousand times better at being a mother and grandmother than she ever was, is or ever will be.

 

I hope you stand proud with your head held high tonight knowing you always have and always will be a better human being than she will ever be.  ❤️❤️

 

PS : the title to this thread should read A Letter To The Woman That Birthed Me because she wasn’t a mothers ar$e....

Re: Letter to my mum (triggering)

Very brave @BlueBay
🙂

Re: Letter to my mum (triggering)

well done on writing that my sister @BlueBay HeartHeart

Re: Letter to my mum (triggering)

Hi @BlueBay I'm so sorry you've gone through this. Much of what you've written has resonated with me as I have had similar anger for many years at my mother's inability to believe, to listen and to acknowledge the pain I still carry for over 40 years about abuse that occurred in my childhood. I almost think that her inability to acknowledge and validate my experiences is more damaging and painful than the actual abuse itself, which has caused me a life of trauma/PTSD and mental health issues. You're very brave in writing about your experiences and expressing your feelings so clearly and articulately. Bravo. Being invalidated is the most horrible thing, but it's important to try to see it's the other person's inability to engage with uncomfortable realities and it doesn't reflect on your worth at all. Anyway, I can relate, as I'm sure others can too, so please know you are not alone.

Re: Letter to my mum (triggering)

Hi @MaggieM 

I agree nit been validated is the hardest. It’s like a double whammy. It’s a kick in the guts. 

Hugs to you too ❤️❤️😘

Re: Letter to my mum (triggering)

You are so brave @BlueBay Heart *hugs*

Re: Letter to my mum (triggering)

Thanks @Gazza75 @MaggieM @Shaz51 @Flying_Hams @Razzle 

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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