15-03-2019 06:39 PM
Thank you @Faith-and-Hope A lot to think about .
My son is so aggressive still 10 months after the fact. He has some narcissistic tendencies therefore he believes his lies and they become a reality to him. Therefore you cannot have a normal conversation without his aggresiveness and screaming. He believes his son has lied to us about the domestic violence and that I kidnapped his son (which is not what happened) My grandson contacted me for help.
My grandson has reached out to him but all he gets back is aggressiveness. I believe he is far too toxic to b e around right now. Should we all cut him out of our life or is there something else we can do. The guilt and anxiety is just overwhelming. I have been seeing a psychologist for the last 4 weeks but so don't think she is understanding the situation. She says mediation but I know my son will not attend . He says he is done with us all and abandoned him. He does not seem to realise his son feels abandoned. Nobody around me has an answer for me. MY husband hates confrontation so therefore says he will not go to mediation .
Thanks for the tag @Sherry 💕
Hi @maggie3 and welcome to the forums. It does sound like a very distressing situation for all concerned. I am sorry to hear what you are going through.
We have a personality disorder on board, diagnosed in an inward-facing form in our son (meaning he is very and in himself in the same sort of way an outward facing form is hard on those trying to hold down a relationship with the person) but it is clear that it is here in its outward form in others within the broader family .... and apparently it tends to travel in family groupings, so that fits as well.
I am learning an awful lot about personality disorders “on the go” because they can trigger, and one Cleary triggered in my husband several years ago. He remains undiagnosed however ..... and it appears to me that he triggered our son, and there are other family members exhibiting the traits ..... so not great .... and having to learn to live with it all anyway.
My hubby is in the grip of an undiagnosed eating disorder, which he is not aware is an eating disorder, owing to a personality disorder (apparently) driving the whole thing .....
So, the strongest advice I have to offer you is what has been offered to me:
Learn as much about what you perceive to be the disorder as you can. You need to understand how it works, how it thinks, what it is doing to the person you love.
Work to stabilise the things you can influence, which often means dealing in clear lines, as politely but also as clinically as you can ..... focussing on the basics of care and self care (everybody getting enough nutrition, sleep, bills paid, rooves over heads, etc)
Make sure the well ones are supported - who is caring for the carer ?? - which means the carers seeking counselling and support services for carers. Well done on posting here and connnecting with this community ❣️
The hardest part of our situation, and yours, is that you can’t force an adult into getting help for themselves .... diagnosis, treatment, support .... if they don’t believe they are unwell, unless there is medical evidence of the problem and they are taken into care as an involuntary patient.
Personal safety is paramount, so to that end I am glad that your grandson has a home with you at the moment and is out of immediate peril.
Part of the reality we have to face is the fact that my husband may never be diagnosed and treated, so working with boundaries, and everyone deciding what they can and can’t live with is the direction we are working from. Clear communication, and deciding what increments of change are achievable is our approach. That doesn’t mean it is at all easy.
Have a look at this. It may help -
Although it is pertaining to other conditions, this model is used across the board for understanding mental health conditions and where people are within the process of change.
I hope this helps.
15-03-2019 10:55 PM
Welcome and how can I help? I can relate to a lot of what you have written. My son has completely cut off my whole family. Both of my parents, his grandparents, are completely torn-up by this. Most families have very complex and long histories which I can’t understand here but I can make some general comments:
-Often people with mental health illnesses have difficulties coping with relating to other family as they see them as emotional triggers. This often effects all of their social relations and many long term relationships break-up.
-No one is at fault for this situation.
-Staying engaged with someone exhibiting such traits and behaviors can be extremely difficult and you may need to change the way you have engaged previously.
-If someone is sick it’s very difficult to blame them or understand their illness.
My son has been aggressive for the last 5-6 years, I am the only one in my family who still lives and sees him. It’s a very long road to recovery and it’s important that there are family member there for loved ones suffering from mental illnesses if they are needed. Family and carers need a lot of support and it’s great that you are seeing someone. Self care is very important for you and make sure everyone is safe as already mentioned.
Hope that helps and please let me know if you have any specific questions.
15-03-2019 11:20 PM
My advice is to just contain your son’s aggressiveness as best you can, and stand back from him for a while in the hope that his aggressive lashing out will reduce when he realises how alone it is making him. In saying that, he won’t magically become reasonable again. Unless there is a major intervention and treatment of some sort, he will need to be managed carefully, probably at some distance, for the rest of his life.
We manage our situation to not trigger the worst of my hubby’s aggression, knowing that he is unwell and unable to cope with some aspects of life, and it is a holding pattern for now. As our adult children stabilise and leave home the changes are causing him to reassess as he goes along, but he stand extremely protectively over his eating disordered behaviours, so we ignore them as best we can to keep the peace, but also because we can’t achieve an intervention, so the alternatives are dangerous for us at several levels, including the mental health boundaries for the rest of us.
Feeling for you Hon. It’s no picnic, and it’s not for your son either, but your first duty of care rests with your grandson, and managing your own welfare. While your son is being so aggressive, there is not much, or any, middle ground for mediation.
If you feel your counsellor is not listening to you, or supporting you well enough, I would recommend seeking out another one. They need to be there for you in the capacity you require support for.
15-03-2019 11:57 PM
Thank you so much @Faith-and-Hope this advice and comments are a huge help to me.
16-03-2019 12:05 AM
Thank you @Dadcaringalone for your comments and advice. Everybody on here has been so helpful and caring. Thank you everyone.
16-03-2019 12:07 AM
I am so glad to hear it @maggie3 . Helping others move forward gives some purpose to the pain and suffering brought about by mental illness.
16-03-2019 12:22 AM
There are some great people here on this forum and you will be able to find some who will be able to completely empathize with you. When my son was in hospital last year twice, and I was very low, there were members here who brought me back to reality. I still have daily dramas with my son and his inability to control his anger when he screams at me but I’ve been able to strengthen my resilience and coping strategies over the years with the help of such forums. You are not alone. Take care
16-03-2019 01:10 PM
Hi @maggie3 ,
welcome. I feel for you, it's so hard to deal with so much. My son is now 30 and was diagnosed with scizophrenia about 18 - 24 mths ago. Before that I went through hell trying to get him help.
He was very aggressive, abusive, violent and destructive when he was in psychosis. My partner and I had to get an AVO against him and my son become homeless for quite a while and went through his own hell...it was a nightmare!
Long story short, eventually he was put before the courts, spent 2 mths in jail, and then sent to hospital for another 2 months....where he was FINALLY diagnosed, but it took a lot of pleading to keep him in there!
He has now been on a community treatment order going on 2 years now, where he is ordered to take his medication,(an injection every 2 weeks) and he is doing very well now...back to the lovely young man I knew! He is still struggling though, on a pension and doesn't work.
Just know that you are not alone. It must be hard with a grand child in the situation as well.
It's a good forum, and it just feel good sometimes to sit and "write it all out", getting it off your chest, so to speak. It has helped me so much, I had no idea so many people have these situations to deal with.
Wishing you and your family all the best, cheers Libra. xo
16-03-2019 03:09 PM
Thank you @Libra
Although my son (41) has never been diagnosed I feel that his use of marijuana has taken its toll on his mental health. He has a lot of paranoia, everyone is against him, its everyone elses fault that things go wrong in in his life. I have no idea how to approach him without being abused. I feel I have caused his behaviour by enabling him over the years by getting him oit of trouble all the time
My grandson is worried that hewill inherit his mother and fathers mentsl health. His mother has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. All my grandson wants is a normal family (which he has never had) and would.like a meeting with his father but we know it would cause more damage to him in the long run as.his father has verbally abused him.
My son has trouble keeping relationships. He is in a 3 year relationship at the moment but is very volatile.
She is very dependant on him.
I'm sorry my information is all over the place as I have never done this before. I just need to know how to fix this for grandsons sake or is he better off without him .
16-03-2019 03:11 PM
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