Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shaz51,It's a work in progress for me too.

[Shaz51]

yes Carer101  and I am involving my 4 step children to do the same , it is taking time

[CherryBomb]

That's a great point @Former-Member about being three different people in one relationship. 

@Shaz51 pointed out, there is one that she is working towards, and it sounds like you have one too @Former-Member

I wonder how you cultivate one relationship more than the others? I mean how can you be more adult than child? Any advice? 

[Former-Member]

HI @CherryBomb

Very thought provoking question. I am not sure I see it as cultivating one more than the other. I think I need to work at the planning more. For example although I don't intend to leave my partner I have a plan in place and the resources to do so if the need arose. I was more panicked about my situation when I felt I had no choice.

But the caring is still necessary and the child needs a little fun.

I am not sure that is exactly what the counselor meant. 

[Shaz51]

Hi CherryBomb, that is a very good question ?? what do you think Carer101                     

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shaz51. Not sure what I think. The more I think about some things the more uncertain they seem.

What I have been thinking about however is something you wrote when you started this thread @Cat64 about not being able to go in to speak to the doctor after the latest outing and that your partners attitude towards you has changed in the last couple of episodes. This sounds concerning to me. I wondering how you are going now. I am not sure I would be prepared to live with my partner in an isolated situation if I was feeling afraid of him. 

Also I wanted to let you know about an online interactive which I found helpful in understanding about being a carer.

http://www.foundationsforcarers.org.au/

It gives a run down of the different stage that a carer might go through and I found it helpful. 

cheers.

[Shaz51]

Me too Carer101               The more I think about some things the more uncertain they seem.      

[Cat64]

Hello @CherryBomb,

Content/trigger warning

@Shaz51

and

Content/trigger warning

Carer101

, sorry I haven't responded to any comments - I just haven't had the strength. I have just returned from a 6hour return drive after having G home for 2 nights as we had a funeral to go to yesterday.

As with the last time the first night was beautiful. We attended the funeral which went surprisingly well - had a lovely afternoon together then 6pm last night wammo - G let it all out. Once again the accusations towards me - unfortunately even more bazaar than previously. It really was quite disturbing. I tried to sleep to be woken at 2am this morning with more ramblings. I ignored what I could, but some things were said that I just couldn't let go. I had my say and tried to sleep with music full pelt in the lounge room.

G rang the hospital trying to get more time home this morning....they talked to me and asked how I felt.  I said if he does I am leaving the house. The nurse told G he had to return by 3pm today - hence the long drive. That's how far away we are from the psych unit - 6 hours return.

G took the news fine, just packed, sorted things, moved things, ranted a bit blah blah.

The trip up there was like a nightmare - he has become so so unwell again. Talking aloud to himself the whole way, fits of laughter, more accusations etc. etc.

I dropped him off - didn't stay, filled the nurses in and drove back home.

Now to your responses. I understand the child, carer, adult stuff. Just can't get my head around it. I tell our girls to seperate the illness from the person. (I have worked in the disability industry for over 30 years on and off, so have good skills there) Unfortunately when it comes to G and I try to do this, I just can't. I guess it is because things have escalated to be so so hurtful to me. I feel like my heart is a block of ice that is slowly being chipped away at. My commpassion is almost non exsistant and just coping. My reactions are to go on the defensive and try to justify why whay he is saying is not happening. Then I go to just ignoring his comments, but am seething inside.I called into my daughters and had a huge conversation with her about it all. She read some of these threads.

Like I have said leaving is a thought on my mind, but in reality it just isn't that easy. How can you just walk away from 35 years of a relationship with someone who is your world? We have a mortgage, I only work part tme and if I leave will have no means to meet the repayments as my little pension that I do get will stop. Plus where do I go anyway? One of my main issues is even when Garry is well, he remembers things he has said in his episodes, and still seems to dwell on them. The lack of trust is not an easy one to live with. We talk about women staying in abusive relationshsips - he doesn't like that they do, and somehow isn't this an abusive relationship?? Where do you draw the line and continue to put it down to his MI and that's meant the make it ok?

For now I have requested no phone calls from G until I am stronger and he may be more settled. I dread the next time I have to do this, and am even refusing to do so. Unfortunately there is no one else to do it, so where will G be then? He may never be released.

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments. At the end of the day it is my call what I do.Right now the answers certainly aren't that clear.