Fragile

[Appleblossom]

Still feeling triggered by the hairdresser conversation on another thread. I can't believe how intrusive the thoughts are, but have long known the association, and cause of the trigger: feelings of unworthiness. That I am unworthy, to go to the hairdresser or look good or have good friends. My life long experiences of not being a good enough woman, whether I worked hard or dressed up is dominating my thoughts and feelings at the moment.

The deeper trigger are the behaviours of my grandson's mother. The messages sent to my son and I and the 10 year abuse of our care and good will by that over privileged family.

Oddly, Sunday and Monday I had some good fun friendly moments with 2 different gay women in 2 vastly different music settings. Not coming on to me gay, but getting along with each other with teamwork and solidarity and humour and ethics and the integrity of older female camaraderie. They are both in commited relationships, so are the guys in the band. I have been so terribly neglected and misjudged by family. I have understated it 

I am consoling my self practicing Pretty Woman. Has a cool bass line and melody with funky offset rhythms. Then will move on to Stabat Mater and Allegri Miserere... Holy week is coming up

.. with all its triggers...

I also can practice Proud Mary and be a boat chugging along the river of life.  Don't go mad Apple, or do anything too stupid. Chart a steady course.

@Dimity @tyme @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @Till23 @Glisten @Dreamy 

[Dreamy]

@Appleblossom that really sounds tough hun. You are definitely worthy of going to the hairdresser and looking good and having good friends. You are beautiful both inside and out, don't let anyone or anything make you feel otherwise. 

Sitting with you sweet, be gentle and kind to yourself ❤️

[Dimity]

"getting along with each other with teamwork and solidarity and humour and ethics and the integrity of older female camaraderie"

Yep @Appleblossom and I admire how you model that for us.

Commiserations on having to put up with the self-serving mother of your grandson. Perhaps she's immature and lacking in self awareness. In any case not deserving the focus of your triggering and distress which inflate her influence and importance. I'm glad you're there for your son and grandson.

Hairdressing is such a personal thing. I've found a trusted middle aged hairdresser who meets my simple needs. At each appointment I schedule the next, removing the anxiety of booking. 

[Appleblossom]

I only go to the hairdresser every few years if that. Mostly I cut it myself.

My neighbour cut it a few years ago to repay me for a financial reference for her husband to get a new car. I don't feel comfortable for her doing it any more cos she was pushy about food and that triggered me but we still wave and are friendly. I just feel a lot of moral revulsion for a lot of the standards of living I see. Too much flashy, in ya face, new stuff. The guy a few doors down, at least fixes up old cars to get by, I respect that.

I can imagine you are simple in your needs @Dimity I was lucky a hairdresser showed me how to do it myself and I can get away with it with curly hair.

Oh @Dreamy thank you but I am too far gone for that. I own a house now. Wish you could come and stay. I can afford a hair cut these days, but I would prefer to be very simple in grooming and everything I do. I do dress respectfully when I play the organ. 

Walk to the shops did me good. 

[Dreamy]

@Appleblossom i rarely go to the hairdresser but that's cos I can't afford it and I hate the feeling of being judged over my hair. It's such an achievement that you own a house, I wish I could come and stay, escape this life for a while. I'm very simple in everything I do, what I wear, my hair is always styled the same, I don't have any make-up or skin care routines. I'm just basic and boring. 

[Appleblossom]

@Dreamy I know you are in a more precarious financial position than me and I am glad you are here, despite it all…..you have a lovely breezy style although I know you are dealing with a lot. I really couldn’t afford hair cuts much til a few years ago. I cut all the hair in our family of 5 till I left. I run a pretty tight ship. Hard to pay all bills and keep petrol in my car while my son was in school. Woops, just went over credit card limit cos I had to replace heater this month. I probably have not been over my limit ever before. 

About 20 years ago I did get a haircut and a few pictures done a few years after I left my marriage. Serious and silly faces. I am glad I did. I look at them and know I am not that bad. I am approximately alright just like I have kept house. 

[Dreamy]

@Appleblossom i really can't find my words right now. Going through a really hard time at the moment and today is just too much. But I just wanted to say thankyou for the kind words ♥️. 

[Till23]

Hi @Appleblossom I have not been on the forums that much lately.

I've been a bit busy trying to do physical things in nature to calm myself. I did a long walk this morning in a bushland setting with some older women. [edited by moderator] Yesterday I did a walk with intermittent sprints, cut and carted some firewood etc. I'm sort of trying to run away from myself!

I only go to a cheap chain hairdresser. I have short hair because otherwise it grows out (sort of like Einstein) and not down as it's very dense and thick. I just want it to be tidy. I have never worn make up, dyed my hair etc. I don't sort of like those things - just see me how I am, I am not interested in surface things I am much more interested in what people are like on the inside. 

I am glad you have your music to help you manage.

Also it's great you've had some nice interactions lately. It's great when you can connect with people with at least some similar views

[Appleblossom]

Dear @Dreamy I was in that “not being able to find words” state a lot. To me, it often shows that a person has too much going on, and or that words aren’t the best outlet at the time.

You show a lot of kindness.

[Appleblossom]

@Till23 

Good to hear from you. Yes I did interval training a bit when I was in the gym. It’s supposed to be good. These days I just jump on a cross trainer for 8-10 minutes when I see my physio. I feel fortunate to have had access.

It is calming for me to hear that you are out in nature and collecting wood. It is funny how emotions flow and overlap. I just see a woman in the bush doing her thing. I know that many hairdresser conversations are just about the person cheering themselves up, but I guess it doesn’t have that effect on me. Being in nature is more my thing, but I do live in the big city. Are you regional or country town?