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KB_
New Contributor

BPD & Never married club

Hi everyone!

 

I was recently diagnosed with BPD after attempting suicide and ending up in a psychiatric ward for the last few weeks.

 

I was discharged just under 2 weeks ago. 
I can now recognise the self destructive cycle of my downward spiral, as I have ended up in this situation twice before over the course of 15 years. I could see my most recent “episode” happening but I didn’t have the skills to stop it from happening. 

My partner recently split from me (2 months ago) he was everything I could ever wish for in a partner and had never been happier. Work stresses got in the way and we would constantly fight about how he thought my work was consuming me and that he really wanted to see me happy in a job less stressful. I threw myself into work even harder, I stopped being physically active and I hadn’t been taking my antidepressants regularly enough (I had been on this medication due to being mis diagnosed with bipolar 6 years ago). I would regularly drink and lash out and become a completely different person I’d black out and then feel remorseful the next day. He dealt with these arguments as best he could but I know these would have been contributing factors for him walking. 

I don’t want to go through this cycle again. 
I’m 34, never married no children and I feel so alone. I feel like a failure in life. He came from a large stable family that was quite close and I envied that, his family was so welcoming even given that there was a substantial age difference between us (I was 8 years older). He moved in with me after a falling out with his dad (prior to that he had never lived out of home). Due to the falling out we didn’t go back to his family home. I then felt the pressure to try and be a support network for him he also had a brother and sister at home so I had to become that support for him. His reasoning for ending it was because he eventually wanted to have kids with someone his own age- that remark has been burnt into my head and I am riddled with insecurities every time I see someone that could be “his type”. It probably doesn’t help that he lives back at his family home now which is just a street over from my apartment. 

I am chronically anxious to go outside in fear of bumping into him and another as I think that would trigger me. I would move but my family and friends all live within the area and I grew up here. Given that I feel quite lonely moving away I don’t think would be good for my mental health. 

I have been put on a waitlist for a DBT group that starts in March but I’m not sure I can make it through the next few months. I have a regular counsellor that I have just started seeing who will help me along this path but I feel as though my support network is not strong enough, I also feel as though I’m burdening my family and friends as they have been dealing with my sadness and negativity for 2 months now. 

I am not very close to my family and have never met my father. I feel disconnected from them - from everyone. 

I was wondering if anyone knew of any support/community groups that actually meet up to talk face to face? 

1 REPLY 1

Re: BPD & Never married club

Hey @KB_ ,

 

I know no one has responded to your post, but I wanted to say that I've found my club! I've got BPD and never married. 

 

I used to worry about being alone, feeling like a failure, not making progress in life... What you have posted was pretty much spot on how I felt.

 

In my mid 30s, I started mentalisation based therapy. It took nearly 2 years of intense weekly therapy. 

 

I am in such a better place. Yes I have BPD and no, I'm not married, but I don't think marriage nor having kids would make me happy. I am so so so content and satisfied with life that I wouldn't want it another way. Now, I'm nearly 40 years old and am absolutely loving life.

 

I know it's been a while since you posted, so I'm wondering how you are going. I'd love to hear from you.

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