Fed Up With My Life TW: Suicide

[Moon_light_lion]

Reposting posted on wrong forum

Hi everyone,

I've just joined these forums in the hope that somebody can help me I am passively suicidal most of the time sometimes I am actively suicidal I won't go further into details incase I trigger somebody.

Okay so I'm pretty much fed up with my life my family don't understand me I only tell intimate and personal details with my brother so he knows what I'm going through.

I don't really have any genuine friends or ones that I can rely on.

I have an extensive professional mental health support network that is trying to help me, I have a drug and alcohol worker I see, I see the community mental health team, I see a pyschotherapist who is really good at understanding me, I see two different GP's aswell.

I also have NDIS support workers and a coordinator the support workers take me out etc, I have NDIS too.

To explain why I'm fed up well let's say that I'm tired of being alone and socially isolated I've tried many groups in the past to try and make friends and for some reason nobody seems to like me often people might say I'm too needy or negative idk why.

Ive tried so hard I've tried making friends on many different social media platforms which has resulted in me feeling more isolated and lonely.

I'm having issues with department of housing NSW, like I'm having issues with some of the neighbours that live in my unit complex they are causing anti social behaviour and housing do not want to take any sort of action to deal with this problem.

I'm mentally tired honestly I used to talk to lifeline everyday because I've been feeling suicidal I've tried ringing suicide callback service, I've tried beyond blue I've tried SANE once I did an online chat, I've tried the NSW Mental Health Line I've even been to Head To Health Safe Haven in my area.

I've even been up to the local triage and assessment centre where you go to for mental health emergencies and they never help me anyway.

I've gone off my medication I was on anti pyschotics and anti depressants I've put on weight from them I used to be skinny now I'm fat, I've also been drinking heavily for about 11 months now like 4 to 5 days a week every week.

I've given up alcohol cold turkey so I guess I'm just finding it hard.

I'm finding it hard to find the motivation and strength to continue with this life.

I always advocate for myself because nobody else does and it's so mentally draining sending complaints to housing and emails and other complaints to other agencies.

I also am very caring and empathetic I do allot for people and they never appreciate anything I do.

I'm 33 years old and I honestly feel like an ancient fossil drying up from all the stress.

I have level 2 autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, complex PTSD.

I appreciate any responses or anything thanks for your time everyone

[Kyle1]

@tyme 

@Blackbird11 

[Blackbird11]

Hey @Moon_light_lion 

Thank you for joining the forums, it sounds as though it's been hard for a while now. Don't give up, you are important and you matter. Sending you a hug as it's tough. It's good you have that professional support around you and that you have your brother to talk to. Suicide ideation is very intense and can be so overwhelming, here is a useful resource... https://www.sane.org/you-are-not-alone?_gl=1*1725utz*_gcl_aw*R0NMLjE2OTkzMDgxNjAuQ2owS0NRaUF1cUtxQmh...

You are doing good things, it really does sound like you are advocating for yourself. Be persistent with the housing, surely it will result in something positive. Have you tried Bumble BFF? It's hard to make genuine friendship connections, I hope your experience here on the forums is positive for you.

 you matter

[MissMuffet]

Hi @Moon_light_lion 

It sounds like you're really struggling in so many areas of your life. Mood issues, self-esteem and the bureaucracy of the world are so much harder to deal with when you don't have a good support network. Making friends as an adult (especially if you're neurodivergent) is really hard, and when you aren't thrown into it because of uni, work, or having kids whose friends' parents you can hang out, it kinda sucks. For most of my 20s I felt this way and it just made me feel so worthless. Over and over, I'd try so hard to make friends but people just wouldn't return the effort. I think what happened for me was that once I started to accept that not everyone wants to be my friend (and those that didn't weren't worth my time) I could start to be myself and finally was able to make a couple of true friends who I know actually care about me. Still took ages though... It's great you've got your brother to talk to though.

Are your thoughts of suicide more of a "telling" you to do something or more of a wishing you didn't exist? Both are serious and it's important to find someone you can talk to about these thoughts - have you told your GP or psychotherapist? I think the next step is finding a psychiatrist to try and find some meds that suit you better.  

I know waiting times are ridiculously long and that makes you feel even MORE hopeless. But trust me, it's worth the wait if you can find a good one. Whilst I haven't been suicidal for quite a number of years (but I do remember it as being one of the scariest times of my life) I was sick of feeling stuck and hopeless about my life. I managed to get on the books of a good psych who has given me hope, I've tried a new treatment, and while it's still early days the little glimmers of what my life can be is incredible and gives me so much to look forward to. I certainly still have shitty days but the fact I can see some light is what keeps me going.

I hope you too can find some light that keeps you going because you're worth it. Have a look around at some of the other topics - some of them you might be able to find some common interests. Dunno if you like art but there was one about that...

Come back anytime, to vent, rant, get something off your chest or to just talk. We're here for you x

[TideisTurning]

Hi There @Moon_light_lion & Welcome to the Forums 😊 I just wanted to stop by and point you in the direction of a few other forums threads you might like to check out and/or post in; 
Topic Tuesday- Suicide: You Can Talk About It
Create safety online when talking about Suicide 

Wait what did I come into this thread for again? Oh yeah, ADHD! 

Thick with the ‘tism – ASD Social Space 

I'm also going to tag @BPDSurvivor and @Snowie in case they have any other wisdom to share and invite you along to a few discussions happening in case you'd like to be part of it or read along 😊 Hope this helps, but please reach out for support if needed, especially if the suicidality you're experiencing worsens. Wishing you as much strength and courage as may be needed to get through 💙

[Snowie]

Hi @Moon_light_lion 

Welcome to the Sane forums.

I can understand the suicidal thoughts, they are hard to deal with at times.

It sounds like you have gone through so many avenues with your mental health. I hope some of that is supportive for you.

I don't have any friends either. It is here on the forums were I find comfort. Where I can openly express myself without any judgement.