Help With Romantic Relationship Please

[StanD]

The timing was terrible. I met this man, whilst at the tail end of escaping family violence. If it had not been for him, & others - I don't want to think about it.

I was expecting that I will have break & be by myself & recover. However, this new romance began instantaneous.

Now, it has been a very dramatic, traumatic, whirl wind that is approaching 2 years.

I am, have been, in depths of trauma. I don't feel as though we ever had chance to meet, as people 'normally' do, with maybe way less baggage. 

Since escaping, I have felt like I am trapped in a fire. I am getting support & I am proud in my recovery.

The only thing I knew about men, is that they were scary, & mean, & violent.

Look at all the wars. This was created by men - not women. Look at the prisons. They are filled with violent men. 

My past has taught me, that men are never to be trusted.

I am unsure if wedding bells are heard in the distance for me.

Hypothetically - if they are, that is wild to try and comprehend.

Living with another man, terrifies me.

I will never know, how close I was to becoming another statistic. I cannot emphasise how minute the possibilities of me escaping this family violence, with myself intact, - were.

I don't have anyone, other than negative experiences, to compare this new man with. I notice I get triggered often. I can't seem to heal & break free. 

He has seen me at my worst, he has seen me in trauma, he has seen me with total lack of self control. And, he is still here. 

I don't want to have another relationship that goes nowhere. I want to know, that I am as important to him, as any woman deserves. I want to understand, & know beyond all doubt, that I will always be treasured, respected, loved.

Two years, feels like long enough, despite the massive mountains he & I have climbed, together, & seperately.

There is so much anger, & determination & injustice within me - I entertain the notion that I will never get married, until, not one more, woman, child or man, is subjected to family violence. During my escape, I witnessed far too many, gaping holes in the system that was supposedly designed to protect me, & keep me safe. It was not the system that eventually rescued me - it was despite the system that I managed to escape.

Um, yes, so that gives you an idea of my headspace.

I don't want to deny myself long overdue & profoundly deserving, happiness - if it is already here for me, but, maybe, I cannot see it yet, clearly, enough.

On the other hand, my head feels unsure. My mind is open. I think I know who I am - I don't think I know, who he is. This seems very odd to me, that after 2 years, I still cannot discern if he is right man for me.

I ask myself, what if he is 'rebound'.

I have experienced blessed, innocent emotions with him.

He has also been a real P Rick, to me, & I have walked away, hurt and crying.

I don't know if I am crying for now, or for past.

Whatever connection we have - I have never experienced this intimacy or closeness at all before now. It kind of stuns me & I am speechless. I enjoy simply being with him. 

It is so hard for me to believe that what I have is true.

I want to.

It's like, I am very frightened that the past has damaged me too much. I am frightened of losing an opportunity, because the fear of men, and people, and relationships, friendships etc scares the heck out of me.

I think I want to know for sure, that this man is the real deal. 

I feel like I am continuously being tested.

I think that's all.

Thankyou for reading

Peace Out 🎤

[rav3n]

hey @StanD thank you for sharing. 

i can see that you've faced so much and it's shows a great deal of strength that you've reached out for support. it makes a lot of sense that you'd feel conflicted and uncertain about the relationship especially when this person was someone you met during the time you were escaping family violence. 

when you've experienced trauma, it can be difficult to trust people and particularly difficult to trust people who have some traits/resemblance to your abuser (i.e. even if the only trait is 'being a man'). identifying signs of a healthy relationship and figuring out if this person is someone you see a future with does take time, and it's great you're getting support - even just talking about it with a professional can help you navigate those doubts. it's totally okay if you don't see marriage/wedding in your future, a relationship is not defined by those ceremonies anyways. and there's no rush or timeline, you can take this relationship at whatever pace you feel comfortable. communicating with this person how you feel and what you want from this relationship can help both of you understand each other better, and maybe even ease some of those doubts. 

a quote about trust i think about a lot is, instead of trusting a person, trust that you can handle whatever happens. we don't have control over people's actions but we do have control over our own, so if people disappoint/hurt, we got to have trust in ourselves that we can overcome it and move forward. i know it's easier said than done, but with time, it does get easier 💜

[MJG017]

@StanD 

I think it's perfectly normal for you to have the deep mistrust of men after what you've had to endure in the past.  As a man myself, I could say that not all men are scary, mean, and violent, but you know that... and it won't help at all... that trust has been violently taken away.  It's completely understandable that you will have this fear with this fear with this new man in your life.  There's that part of our brain that wants to protect us, and it will be screaming at you to never get yourself in a position to have experience any of the trauma and violence ever again!

I'm not sure trauma like you've experienced every really goes away, and that trust can take a long time to even begin to rebuild.  This man in your life seems to understand that as he is 'still there' as you say.  Have you tried and counseling, either individually or as a couple.  It may help you both to explore these feelings and emotions and help you both to build that trust back.  And to also allow you both to maintain that self-care which is so vital to work though the trauma of the past and it's lasting effects.

You must have showed such strength and resilience to escape previously, even though you had help doing it... it still takes a lot to escape at all.  So trust in your own strength and resilience that if you start to see red flags this time, you will recognise them.  He does know about your past so it sounds like he does know that he has work to do as well to overcome the destruction to that trust in men that you have.  So don't trust him necessarily, trust yourself about what you feel about him, rather than what you think or fear.  And hopefully he does know this relationship is going to take a lot more time than in a more 'normal' situation... there's a lot of trust that needs to be rebuilt.

Obviously, with what you've been through and experienced, especially the holes in the system and the fact that to this day, far too many (any more than zero) women are still subjected to violence from men... there will be a lot of anger and resentment there.  I was just thinking about the possibilities of you refocusing these very valid emotions into a productive way.  Like volunteering or getting involved with DV advocacy or support groups.  Helping to support others that have been through, or are going through what you have may allow you some release and healing from the anger you have now.  It may be something you're not even ready to mentally do right now, but I thought it may be an idea.  I have found recently that using some of the worst experiences in our lives and using them to help others going through similar experiences has been an incredible, and vital part of my own recovery from that time.

  However you decide to proceed, just never feel like you cant or shouldn't take the time you need.  Or that your own safety, welfare, and happiness doesn't come first.

[StanD]

Hello @rav3n 

I am reading your reply now, & I feel so lucky to be SANE member. You have give me much kindness. I feel like you have looked through all the layers & spoke to me directly, resolving a potential question, that I am asking about, though, not really - .... I'm not sure exactly what I am saying.

I feel confident, really listened to, I feel cared about, I feel seen - in a good way.

I have no idea, if I am a person who is difficult to make sense of, however, it feels too brief, that I am able to be understood, like I have been now, in your reply. I want to say, (thankyou) -

an indigenous peoples,  that I watched on NITV, said that, their culture does not have this word. They are together. The word is implied with the action.

sorry, I do not have direct link, evidence. Please feel free to detract if this is culturally innapropriate to include, in this reply.

Anyway, I really love that idea. 

I was raised to have proper 'manners'- words are only words. It is about, intent.

Your reply was, is undeniably beautiful💐

[StanD]

Gosh @MJG017 I don't even know how to reply. I feel so glad that I took the risk & let my heart pour out over SANE. 

Maybe I need to start thinking better of the world? 

I'm sure we will have those days where it feels like you are not even talking to a real human, & recited responses is all you can seen to get.

I wasn't expecting to read very intelligent replies.

It is a huge boost for me.

Everything, u touched on - it was like you are inside my head, & seeing all my worries, & with clarity. 

I don't know what to say, honestly.

It is actually reaffirming, or affirming? to have you, as a man, talk with me, & understand me.

I did not consider DV 'work' as a pathway in healing.

To people whom are unknowing, it may seem weird that, to read that 'trauma like mine' may not go away, is actually comforting.

I have considered same, & asked myself this question - is it possible? Who knows? 

I think, knowing that, others can see this - I don't feel like I have to impress anybody, so much. I need to put all my energy into loving myself.

 I Can See Within Me by StanD

[MJG017]

Hi @StanD.  For someone who says they don't know how to reply, you did a pretty fine job of it.  It's incredible reading your reply and hearing how much reaching out here has helped you.  We all know that feeling of opening our hearts to strangers for the first time, it's not easy by any means, but I'm so happy you've found it so rewarding.  It's a pity this place is not more widely known than it is.  I was amazed when I found it earlier this year.

I think knowing trauma is probably permanent is comforting, because it redirects the mind to work on it's effects rather than trying to fix it or make it go away which can be so futile in a lot of ways.  Once you do that then you can start to find ways to heal from it's effects and even turn some of it into positives... like the idea of DV work for you as doing a lot of awareness work has helped me take positives from my own.

If you have to impress someone, they're not worth impressing in the first place.  I can take us a long time to figure that out.  And by 'us' I mean 'me' 😁  It's awesome that you now feel you can focus than energy into loving yourself.  It's always the first, and best step in any healing process.

I love your painting/drawing as well.  It's such a beautiful combination of colour and fine detail when you look deeper into it.  Thank you for sharing it.

[StanD]

A beautiful reply @MJG017 ♥️♥️♥️