Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jane9]

Hi Tigs, that's sweet of you to check in. I really touched base with old happy feelings last week, so old I'd almost forgotten how to laugh.

This week I'm feeling happier than usual as I've taken clear steps to try to focus more on my own wellbeing .I've started yoga, have gone back to my meditation class, organised a new local G.P, hairdresser and even a Chinese herbalist (why no!t) I went to a movie alone (i much prefer this as time out) and have reconnected with old friends that I distanced from in my own depression and stress as a partner. I'm happy it's Spring and I've started a small garden to get my hands in the ground, but I'm realistic. Being in this relationship is no picnic.

I've decided to work on letting my partner work through her own moodiness and reactions to external events like contact with her ageing parents. I can still be kind but I don't want to take it on anymore and take responsibility for or react to her negative moodiness. I hate that she targets me when she's feeling unhappy in her life and needs to push it out onto someone else. I just want to try to stay focussed on my own needs and wants as she is an adult, intelligent and capable in her professional life and a good support to me when I've been physically unwell. It s my Spring manifesto. I hope I can keep it up !.

What's your story Tigs ?

Jane

[Tiggeroo]

Heya,
That's awesome to hear! I am so pleased you have managed to find your own happy space!
We are doing well this week too! Crazy boy is back to his usual happy self and we adopted a companion dog for our shepherd from the rescue so we are back to walking the dogs daily which is great routine for the both of us!
xx
Tigs

[Jane9]

Hi Tigs, I replied but somehow it didn't get through. When I replied I was doing ok .I'm not doing ok now. The laughter stuff seems a million miles away . <br><br>My partner is going through a tougher patch than usual .She is more depressed and saying that she is gong psychotic and might be hospitalized. I'm interstate visiting my mother for a break and my mother just keeps telling me I should leave. My sister in law (partners sis) also mentioned that I should leave. When questioned she said that I'm just as important but I suspect that she worries that I can't handle this situation, which I can't,band that it's difficult I'm her sis. The saying 'if its too hot, get out of the kitchen ' comes to mind when I think of what my sister in law must be thinking. Our three year defacto relationship feels more and more like a drop in the ocean in time compared to her sisters time managing these things. She says I gave her a break for 3 years of having to deal with these things but how she's back in it again as I get angrier and more and more stressed and my partner goes to her as a confidante. <br><br> My partner is withdrawing from me as she does when she's very stressed and I suspect she doesn't feel it's too safe to be honest about her dark feelings as I don't react well anymore. I am good in a crisis normally and have been told I'm warm and caring and my partner consistently tells me I'm very kind but this is like an ongoing drama unfolding and I feel sucked in and trapped and dragged down by daily negativity and her angry moods. Her sister reassured me that when my partner was hospitalized before she had no insight at all about how unwell she was so this is something else, maybe just extreme stress. Her new psychiatrist (the old one is terminally ill) has upped her meds <br><br>I feel guilty that I'm here in my home town connecting to my young nieces and nephews and trying to connect to my Mum and sister and not actually wanting to hear how bad my partner feels .I want a break from hearing how bad she feels. I have lost my love of life. The kids make me laugh for good reasons and I dread going back into the situation but yet can't seem to leave it either as I do love my partner and care about her. I just don't know how I'm going to handle this for the rest of my life. Im Going under myself.

[Tiggeroo]

@Jane9 I am sending you the biggest hugs... 

I think it is the weather or something as my partner too has lost the plot (which is why I have been a little absent the last few weeks). I am feeling very much the same as you... I'm exhausted from constantly being ok for him, and trying to negotiate his ever-changing emotions. I called my mum yesterday (interstate) and told her I may need her to come visit me before I lose the plot myself. I think it is time for me to find myself a new psych and go back to checking in with someone else regularly about my crazy life! Apologies in advance if my post doesn’t make sense, I am writing it whilst sobbing like an idiot…

You should not feel guilty in any way for spending time with your family and building yourself back up. In the long run whether you decide to go back or not... you need to be ok... if you go back, you need to find a place within yourself to be strong for the both of you, and if you decide not too, finding yourself again as an individual will also take great strength. You need to look after yourself, and let your family look after you. Enjoy the moments with your nieces, let yourself be carefree and happy. You deserve it.

At the end of the day, only you can know whether you can go back or not, and there is no harm or shame in admitting that things are getting to difficult. Perhaps being honest with your partner may even spur her to follow through on getting herself some better help, or it will show you her real feelings about her position within your relationship. I said to my partner yesterday that as much as I love him, I am feeling lost to his illness at the moment. He immediately agreed to find a new psychiatrist to review meds, increase his psychology visits to weekly again and see if he can improve himself, and that is what keeps me going. He really has no commitment to himself and I know that, as much as it annoys me I have accepted it, if I walked, he would happily watch his world collapse around him, but he knows that his life with me is worth fighting for, and that is what he does. So I feel like if he is prepared to work on himself, I can be there to support him. Honestly though, if he wasn’t in that mindset, of accepting help for whatever reason drives him… I wouldn’t have stayed. I know this with 100% certainty. So believe me, if you decide you need to get out to look after yourself… you have my full support!
If you decide to stay, you still have my support. Basically, I am here regardless haha… Just do what you need to do to take care of you…

Are you speaking with your partner at all? How is she reacting to your trip home?
If you went back, do you think you could build a co-caring relationship with the sister to allow you to both share the burden, and then the good times?
I am sure the sister isn’t being critical of your efforts in any way, if anything the break you have allowed her has probably been a huge relief, perhaps she is scared that without you, what state will her life will return too?
In saying that, she too needs to set boundaries to protect herself.
Perhaps if the 3 of you could have an honest conversation, it might help you to figure out where you stand.

I wish I had a funny story to tell you, but alas, not much is funny to me at the moment either. If I see the light side of something, I’ll be sure to let you know!
Xx
Tigs

[Jane9]

Dear Tigs,
I hear you. I hear that you're really struggling. I really felt what you said about crying in the car when you bought the hair gel . You seem to have been managing this situation for a long time and have a real love for your boyfriend but times can be very tough. It's good that you can reach out to your mum and enlist a bit of support. In many cases (although of course not all), who cares about us most. Mums can be practical and supportive and jump in there. It sounds like you need to share this burden of responsibility right now and it's good to ask for help and not have to try to hold it all together. You are a caring person concerned about others on this forum and so creative in your ways of trying to manage his fluctuating moods. Can you call on any of his supports (Family or friends ) to share some time of the care? I will write more soon as I'm about to fly but do take care. Jane

[Tiggeroo]

Hey @Jane9,

Have a safe flight! I assume this means you are on your way home. Best of luck, I am hoping that your arrival home is met with a period of calm from your partner and hopefully the time apart may have helped her to see the value in the support you constantly offer.

Remember to try and speak with the sister, use a team approach if you can, it will make your load easier to carry.

Unfortunately my partners family is... complicated. He has no siblings and his parents are separated and neither live near us. A lot of his challenging behaviours, in my opinion are learned behaviours. I see huge similarities between him and his mother and I think in a way, he almost has learned how not to cope (odd i know). So a lot of his time with the Psych has been spent learning coping techniques and communication skills he did not learn throughout childhood. 

He has started a new medication yesterday and we have a psychiatrist review on friday so fingers crossed he will find his path again. 

I am back at work which provides me a break from the thinking about him as i am SO busy! 

We also found that GROW has a support group near us so we thought we might go along and say hi, just see what is going on there!

Let me know how you get on,

xx

Tigs 

[Tiggeroo]

@Jane9
Are you ok?
I miss talking to you!!!
xx
Tigz

[Jane9]

Hi Tiggs,
That's sweet. I stopped posting when things got extremely bad. When things get like this I find it easier to retreat , take my own counsel and develop strength within myself. Having said that I did call on my mother for a rare moment, disclosed my partners diagnosis and relationship difficulties with my not so close sister and had a chat with a friend or two. Though at the end of the day I felt very alone

I've finally accepted that she is not going to get well in the real sense and I'm stuck with this forever. I'm also now clear that her bipolar presentation is more than just up and down days with manic highs (which personally I've never seen) and moody moments. Bipolar with a child trauma history (can) equals personality issues. For her that is major abandonment issues, self loathing at times, an inflated sense of self belief and blame blame blame.

I last posted at the airport on my way home after 4 lovely days visiting all my family and friends interstate. I went there to get away, get some breathing space and regather energy and confidence. After two days she called to tell me she wanted me to fly home. I only had two more days to go and she couldn't be persuaded to hold tight. She thought she might need to go to hospital, feared age was "going psychotic'. Her negative thoughts were intense though she wasn't suicidal. She was distressed but not psychotic. She felt abandoned and fearful. I rang her sister who said she never had insight in past crisis times . My practical mum helped me hold my ground and I called her throughout the next two days , called her sister to enlist support and did all I could to show support. All her besties were there. I would have flown home if she went to hospital but she didn't really need it. She sent me a text so full of anger and blame and self pity then wouldn't take any calls or text back so I freaked out and called the CAT team from mums house to get advice on whether it might be psychosis after all. When I flew home, took the day off work (it's a big deal as I'm a contractor) and her sister drove back from 3 hrs away on a mini break but my partner became miraculously well when we came home.

I felt controlled, manipulated, unfairly blamed and I experienced a real sense of her lack of awareness and empathy about the impact of her blaming behaviour. All I needed was time out and she wouldn't see that. Everyone else could see I was going under like a drowning person. I had become over the years angry, stressed, upset, overwhelmed, isolated and depressed. Back in my old town I felt happy, relaxed, engaged in community and I laughed properly for good reason not as a defense mechanism. She wanted to pull me away from that back into the vortex. I couldn't handle it. But I've come back, spent weeks planning my next steps with more clarity and self confidence and things on the home front are really quite stable sbd good now.

Some boundaries do help. I'm clear about what I will and wont put up with. For example I am supportive around depression and fear and stress and panic and even ocd but will not tolerate blame and rage and judgement. The couple therapist later supported my move to set boundaries and not come back early but my partner says she was unwell, I let her down. She takes no responsibility for the impact of her demands and behaviour. I can't accept anymore that mental illness is a complete excuse.

It sounds like I'm out the door. I'm not. I just want to see how long this amazingly good honeymoon phase lasts and I'm ready to go if I need. I finallg have local supports engaged if it comes to that.

Bet you wished you never asked .....smile.

How are you Tiggs? Last I heard you were going through a rough patch yourself.

Jane

[Tiggeroo]

I am so proud of you, it's sounds to me like you are making healthy decisions for you and that is the most important thing! I hope the newfound boundaries are respected by your partner and the honeymoon period lasts, but if not, I really hope you have taken the steps to ensure your self preservation is prioritised and you can get away knowing you did your best, but you must come first.
And no, I would never wish I didn't ask!
As for me, yeah we found ourselves drowning there for a while... honestly... even I had to take a step back and evaluate what I was doing in my relationship... but then, there was a good day... out of the blue, where my partner was his old self and made me laugh and forget about the world again. I ended up asking my mum to fly in to help with him as I really began to struggle in my self, and like you, I internalise when things are really bad and pull away (hence I too have been missing from the forums for several weeks!). With the support of my mum though, my partner is back on track, he has had his meds increased (like almost doubled) and is almost back to his usual self. He has given up work for a while to focus on recovery which is hard, but necessary. I too am feeling strong again and believe we can manage this terrible, terrible illness. I'm not sure we will ever win the war... but with every battle we get better, stronger and more equipped to cope.
I am really glad you saw my message, and even more pleased you have found your strength.
xx
Tigz

[Jane9]

Hi tigz,
there are some common themes there (the drowning, the internalising, the mother rescuer) but what I'm hearing above all else is that you really love him very much and there's fight in you for this relationship. I wish you all the best and lots more laughing together 😃 Jane