I'm going to try and reply. I know what I think in my head but getting it all out clearly is another thing. Perhaps I'm being too critical of myself. I want to reply because I don't want to feel afraid of expressing myself. Expressing myself is very important to me. I wasn't allowed to express myself as a child and adolescent and it had a very damaging effect on me. It has taken me years to get to this point where I can express myself freely.
I think I will start by talking about my experience of having a mental illness.
It took me a long time to understand and accept my mental illness. It wasn't until I was about 40 (ten years ago) that I began talking openly about it.
For many years I didn't feel comfortable talking about my mental illness; I felt a lot of shame (and stigma towards myself I think). I felt like there was something wrong with me and I kept it hidden from other people. I didn't feel like I could be myself. This caused me a lot of suffering.
As a person who has a mental illness there aren't many places in life where I can talk about what it is really like for me to have a mental illness and where I can truly be myself.
I have realised that for my wellbeing it is very important that I'm able to be myself.
I think I understand the guidelines and why moderators and peer support workers need to refer people to helplines etc.
I also think part of the problem is they don't understand how unhelpful these helplines are. I think they are damaging and I try my best to avoid them.
I don't think my problem is with the guidelines themselves. I think my problem is with the way the moderators etc communicate.
The intention of a moderator etc "checking in" is supposed to make me feel safe and supported, but a lot of the time when they do this I don't feel safe or supported at all. I feel the opposite. I feel angry and upset.
I think this is because some of the moderators don't communicate very well and they don't communicate in a way that is caring or sensitive. They have no awareness or sensitivity to what you are going through. They lack empathy and compassion.
The biggest problem I have is with how they talk to you in emails with the same script. I find this very depersonalising and demeaning. And as someone who has been through a lot of trauma this makes me feel mistrustful and defensive and angry and upset.
I think the moderators etc need to be more sensitive and more respectful of people's personal space and boundaries.
Also, I don't like it when a moderator etc makes an assessment of me and makes a lot of presumptions about me and tells me what is going on with me. It feels like I'm being psychoanalysed and it feels intrusive and inappropriate and patronising.
Here is my suggestion: instead of reacting to people's posts and making assumptions, why not just ask the person how they are and if they need support? In a genuine, caring way? Peer to peer, human to human?
I think what is missing for me most of all with the moderators etc is connection.
Also, I joined these forums to connect with my peers but I feel that the moderators etc and the heavy handed way that these forums are run is getting in the way of this.
It makes me angry and frustrated because there are very few places in life where I can be myself as a person who has a mental illness and it is very important for me and my wellbeing and my recovery that I get to connect with my peers.
I think in the future people working in mental health will realise the importance of peer to peer connection and heavy handed ways of running forums will be a thing of the past.
Also, I didn't get to say this, but I feel that my personal space and boundaries are being disrespected and violated when moderators etc and other forum users reply to my posts in the Worry Room in an insensitive way and it makes me feel very angry and upset. When other users reply it is a clear violation of a boundary. I find it so annoying that I'm thinking of starting my own thread called No Responses Please*.
So to make it clear: no, I do not want a response.
*With the exception of moderators etc who are allowed to reply in an appropriate and sensitive manner.
