15-03-2019 01:33 PM - edited 15-03-2019 01:34 PM
thanks @nashy im really sick of it. im already to close to the edge, and this just keeps pushing me further. and people wonder why ive got the shites or whatever they want to think.
15-03-2019 05:20 PM
Hugs and love your way @outlander ❤️🤗❤️
16-03-2019 11:24 AM
Why can’t my bloody husband decide fir himself which shoes he likes to buy. Calls me from shop to show me shoes.
There not my shoes so why do I care.
I’m angry. I can’t decide fir everyone.
Omg I’m shitty sngry
16-03-2019 12:38 PM
I'm still not sure if I'm doing this right ie right thread etc.
I've been on my own for over 10 years. Most of that time parenting alone. My children have left home now. During the years I've had relationships with men that seem to not know what they want - or seem to discover that while being with me that they just wanted someone in their life - and I fitted the bill until I asked for more - then they suddenly hold contempt for my needs - forgetting that I have already compromised and have gone above and beyond to show that I care. They all seem to be able to say I love you. They are all kind enough and even affectionate, but then they start to check out when I hold them accountable for their lack of prioritising or uncaring behaviour. In a way I feel I have been used in games against their exes. "Look at me!!! Aren't I doin well without you!"
And I guess this immaturity or state of mind is what contributes to their singeldom in the first place. These men also seem the most persistent in the beginning because they have something to prove. Alcoholism played a part in 2 of the relationships - inc the most recent - and I guess that is another reason why I felt held at arms length sometimes. Being a caring person and enjoying reciprocation seems to be my downfall. There was a tragic death in his family and a result I met his ex for the first time. I asked why he didn't hold my hand, during one of the most emotional days of his life, when a discussion previous to this day had said that he would reach for it. It was more of a metaphor for me really - a 'check in' was more what I was after, a sharing of feelings, a look, a touch, anything. Asking this created resentment. Leading up to this was the odd discussion about his divorce. He wasn't sure if it had gone through because he hadn't received any paperwork and couldn't find the reference number. I realise now that he would not have even told me if he was divorced. I think he was using it as a ploy. Not that I expected marriage - just a committment, a sign that he was moving forward. Why be involved with a man that drinks?? Well I did not know how much he drank in the beginning. And we didn't live in the same city. When I visited he wouldn't drink before midday - this sounds crazy now that I write it. But he was basically drinking every day and it was costing him a fortune along with his smoking habit. But he could be kind, paternal and affectionate and when you've been alone this means the world.
The first time he didn't call or call back was quite early on when I think about it. He had gone out drinking till 3am. This was a pattern to be repeated. He would never ever answer a call if he was out. Not that I rang him all the time - but sometimes I needed to. I knew he was out when he wouldn't answer the phone. I'm not needy, I would never try more than twice. I always mustered the strength not to call again and would speak to a friend instead. I have friends - I feel very lucky to say. Usually he would stay out way past midnight - every time and wake up sick - which meant he wasn't up to speaking to me again. Wow - once again writing this makes me wonder!! But he would usually put in some extra effort and we'd be on the same page again. He'd say he wasn't like other guys. I think he meant he thought he was more caring???? Anyway, on advice from his psychologist he drove quite a way to break up with me - without batting an eyelid he told me loved me and wasn't in love with me - he alluded to me asking questions as being the reason. As he walked out he said "Sorry".
I look over my history and see that men not long out of marriages have been my downfall. I didn't get a chance to read the last partner's profile because I was chatting to him before I checked it - he snuck into my conversations while I was online one night. In the profile it said heavy smoker ( usually a deal breaker ) - but it was too late. And we were very attracted to each other. My last text to him read "Goodbye Handsome".
Anyway, now here I am. Complicated grief. I've said hello and goodbye to many members of his family during a very tough time and now I've said goodbye to him - all within 4 weeks. I guess considering, I'm going ok. Self care and walking through the tears.
17-03-2019 05:17 AM
greenpea, I just read this. You poor thing. You were so supportive of me when I told you about my twins problems. What a crummy deck you've been given as have I. The fact we care about our kids so much is in itself a good thing because at least they know they are loved. I wish you all the best. I really don't know what to say. I'm taking my youngest away for a holiday to pay special attention to him as he gets swept aside for the twin's crazy shenanigans. He's 15 and ok so far, Anyway take care of yourself and I hope life improves for him.
17-03-2019 05:52 AM - edited 17-03-2019 06:18 AM
What am i worried about??? I'm worried about having everything i need and being able to care for myself properly... i figure all these people i am reaching out to for help are only providing me with secondary care and primarily care about themselves... i actually think they would feel resentful if i was providing myself with better care then they could care for themselves... i actually think medication works in a way that means i am unable to care for myself properly... and then they are just waiting with open arms to provide me with secondary care... which i truly resent... because i know they primarily only care for themselves...
And then their motivation/instinctive drive to care for people....
has an endless flow of mentally ill And medicated people to focus their energy on... mental illness and the mental health system is purely based around discrimination and prejudices!
I tend to think that the system don't really want me getting off of my medication... because i am setting an example... i am a solution that is getting mixed into the wider community... which is treating what they have discriminated me against... which is perfectly normal human thoughts, feelings and behaviours...
19-03-2019 09:10 PM
I’ve watched all of my few DVD movies – that have underdog heroes beating great odds.
Hercules, the God’s of Egypt, The Immortals.
I’ve only found movies (stories) with this specific theme helpful -
As I’m more ground-down by recent events than I care to mention (or than is apparent).
I’ve run out of movies.
I’m tired of having to be the strong one, simply because I have no other option.
I don’t believe excuses for other people’s indifference - people around me have been excusing those whose actions caused me harm.
As the saying goes “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” – evil is shown in the indifference of (supposedly) good people, not in the actions of (supposedly) bad people.
There are no prizes for being strong, when no one cares or notices – except to demand more from me.
21-03-2019 06:58 PM
21-03-2019 07:01 PM
21-03-2019 07:04 PM
Hi @Mumi sorry to read things have been really hard for you today.
I'll be sending you an email shortly.
Take care of yourself. thecolourblue
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