Lived Experience Forum

[GraceUponGrace]

Hi all - struggling with the process of healing.  Healing for myself doesn't seem like much motivation when I don't particularly like myself at the moment. I just hit my mid 20s, and I can feel cognitively that forming new habits is getting harder. I'm doing my psychologist's exercises, taking all the necessary steps but it's a slow turning wheel.  I want to be gentle on myself, but I can't. It's hard not to compare myself to my peers and their successes even though I know they haven't experienced the difficult things in childhood that I have (i.e. emotional/financial abuse, unstable home etc). Sometimes it feels like certain things like self harm are such regular coping mechanisms, or my anxiety is so automatic, that it's hard to picture a world where I'm not suffering with these things.  I have to work so so so hard for a mental state that others get as a bare minimum. How is that fair?

My psychologist told me to focus on building a "lifestyle of healing" rather than seeing myself in a binary way of either healed or messed up.  But it's so hard - I try not to self pity, but I can't not ask "why me?"  I have so much potential, I am reasonably intelligent and am a gifted performing artist, but I can't pursue my goals because anxiety/OCD/depression holds me back.  I'm scared I'll be in a constant loop of temporary peace and then relapse. I've been fighting for 13 years.

Anyone else wanting to get better, wanting to heal, wanting to progress, but feeling held back by their own self view?

[David_888]

@GraceUponGrace 

Just like there are physical forces against our body.

There are physical forces against our head.

As long as you have a head you will have things against it.

There is no situation while you have a head where you won't have to deal with things against it.

I can go on more but there is this for now.

[rye]

Hey GraceUponGrace.

I really empathise with your story, and I feel similarly a lot of the time.

It can be so hard to feel like you're putting in all the work, yet you're still miles from where you want to be. I'm in my early thirties and I find it an ongoing struggle to avoid comparing myself with my peers. I was studying over the past couple of years, and felt so frustrated that I had to do all the work my classmates had to, plus all the appointments, therapy exercises and self reflection that allowed me to even show up. It really does feel unfair.
Something that I find useful is to remind myself that we are all running our own race. There is no hurry to achieve, reach milestones imposed by society, or keep up with other people's timelines. We also never really know what is going on for other people, and they may have their own struggles we can't see.
I've had people say to me that in some ways, it's kind of great to be putting the work in when we're younger. Gaining insight into ourselves now in some ways gives us a head start on those who haven't yet faced adversity.

But yes, I absolutely feel held back by my own self view. Like you, I also feel like I am holding myself back from achieving (or even making) goals. I've been doing this for about 13 years too, and what keeps me going is knowing that there was a window of a few years there where I was doing really well. If I got to a place of self-acceptance and ease then, I'm sure I can do it again, and I hope you can see that for yourself too. You've had the times of temporary peace, and they'll come around again - hopefully with more defiance and endurance.

I'm stoked you can identify your strengths as intelligent, full of potential and a gifted artist. You also seem pretty determined, so add that to the list!
I hope you can keep at your goals in defiance of anxiety/OCD/depression.

Take care mate, you've got this.

x rye

[Gwynn]

It sounds like you've had a lot of bad things happen to you for a long time, and they've worn their own grooves in your brain. It's going to take time for you to heal.

You only see the 'highlight reels' of your peers - you don't see the daily mess or the 2 am sleepless nights or the times their parents put work above spending time with their kids growing up.

It's ok to throw yourself a little pity party now and then and say 'why me?'. When I get like that too much, I sometimes ask myself 'why not me?' I try to draw on my connection to humanity past, present and future, and tell myself that pain and suffering is part of the human condition. I don't believe that my suffering alleviates another's suffering, but thinking of it as a common burden helps make me feel less alone with it all. Also just thinking of things that make me feel awed kind of helps.

When supervising arts and crafts for children, I am the 'you're doing amazing, sweetie' cheerleader, because I keenly remember how frustrating I found arts and crafts as a child, and how I compared my efforts to others' results. In this way, I can use my lived experience of self-loathing to help keep others on an even keel in similar situations. You probably put your intelligence and experience into your performances.

Sometimes we have to change what we're doing to change how we're thinking and feeling, which will in turn inspire us. This is probably where your psych is thinking with the 'lifestyle of healing' brick-building approach. Best of luck to you.

[Appleblossom]

Love your name and respect your post @GraceUponGrace 

It has been good to see you around the forum.

A little healing in one person often manifests in relationships with others.

Personal Best is enough.