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Looking after ourselves

Cara_in_Yellow
Senior Contributor

Self-Sabotage vs ADHD “Procrastination”

Hello, ADHDer with a bunch of comorbidities here. I’m uni I assumed that my inability to do anything until I already felt like it was too late was me being lazy, then I discovered I have ADHD and assumed it was because once it felt “too late” I now had a challenge and enough adrenaline to overcome the fear of failure (plus if I failed it was because I rushed it not because I couldn’t do it). Fast forward to working life, I was getting the same feeling, stuck, numb to myself and the world with increasing fogginess when I tried to “Hulk-Smash” (a term by Brendan Mahan https://youtu.be/Uo08uS904Rg) my way through it. All my normal strategies weren’t working and even if I got started I had no momentum and would be equally stuck a minute or two later. Turns out this time it might have been subconscious self-sabotage because I fully believe I don’t deserve my job and now realise I had an inward compulsion to fail so things would be made right (ie I’d get sacked). Now I’m working on redirecting my attention away from what my childhood tells me I deserve and towards doing things that activate my body (e.g. tensing muscles/stimming) to help shift myself out of paralysed overwhelm and into activated focus on something I am able to do.

 

Long-term I’ll need to do the work of deconstructing and rebuilding my worldview to allow for it to be ok for me to try and still fail (as opposed to being paralysed and therefore never trying) and to accept that it’s ok for me to have good things. That’s going to be a lot of work but I can’t function unless it’s done. Hope this is helpful to others. 

2 REPLIES 2

Re: Self-Sabotage vs ADHD “Procrastination”

Hi @Cara_in_Yellow,

I just wanted to say I feel for you - it's sad that you feel like you don't deserve your job due to possible subconscious self-sabotage. I am glad to read that you are challenging your thinking around this now and trying to rewrite the script from your childhood to more positive ways of thinking. I think working towards deconstructing and rebuilding your  worldview that includes being kind to yourself around you being deserving of good things is a really great way forward. 

It's okay to fail, it's happens to all of us and it's part of life but it doesn't mean it's something anyone deserves. You come across as a very intelligent and insightful person and you deserve to have good things in your life just like everyone else. I think the fact that you got your job proves not only are you capable to do it but those that hired you saw your abilities and your skills. 

We appreciate you sharing part of your story on the Forums - you may be surprised how many people you will have helped with your post (a lot of people read posts but may not respond).

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

PS. I love your Forum's name 🙂

Re: Self-Sabotage vs ADHD “Procrastination”

If anyone has experience of BPD traits interacting with OCD traits and managing that please read this!


Hi @FloatingFeather

 

Thanks for your encouraging words. I needed to hear them. It’s certainly a challenge to restructure your entire view of self and today I don’t feel like I have the energy to even try, but I know I have to at some point. 

Yesterday I came across the idea of 4 BPD subtypes (which I know are not formally recognised in the DSM or anything) and hearing people talk about the experiences of people living with “discouraged” and “self-destructive” BPD really resonated and made me wonder if it’s worth exploring the connection between my work-paralysis and self-destructive/discouraged tendencies. 

My psychologist has also brought up my harm/scrupulosity OCD traits in the past and I can see how the interaction of those with discouraged/self-destructive BPD traits would explain the subconscious self-sabotage of a job that I feel I don’t deserve and feel I am burdening (harming) my coworkers by occupying. I feel like there’s so much overlap in the CPTSD -harm/scrupulously OCD traits - BPD traits/ ADHD-I/depression/anxiety cluster of labels that various professionals have used to describe my experience at various times. But the specific interplay of harm/scrupulously OCD-discouraged/self-destructive BPD seems particularly relevant to this particular issue so I guess it’s back to CBT/DBT tools to see if any of those are helpful while I wait for my next psych appointment. 

If anyone has any thoughts on this interplay or suggestions for dealing with what I’m describing please do share!

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