Lived Experience Forum

[Maggie]

@CheerBear 

[CheerBear]

Beautiful. Thanks @Maggie 🌸💐

[CheerBear]

I am checking-in, with a vent (like usual), hoping it might help to share and get off my chest.

I had a really bad dream last night about not being able to do it and someone taking my kids because of that. That's not going to happen but I think that worrying about where I am falling short in all the ways it feels like I am, is doing my head in a bit. It seems to happen when I start to feel shaky and my head starts going a bit wonky. I start feeling like I'm not doing enough or the right stuff. I find it extra hard to work out what's important and what needs to be done, rather than what just feels important and feels like it needs to be done. I think of a break that I know I can't get then feel angry that I can't get it.

When I feel like I have been, having something coming up that I know is likely to be tricky can send me into a bit of a spin. I try and organise and plan and prepare as if that's going to make it all better even though I know it can't. This week's tricky is taking unwell person to chemo again. I struggled last time, not during it (I'm pretty sure I would have seemed very calm, patient, reassuring, together etc) but during the days after. I think knowing how much I struggled last time is making this time feel more worrying. I'm starting to feel anxious and like I'm bracing myself for something but I am not sure what that something is. I don't think it is the treatment itself that's the tough bit, though getting there and the organising that goes into it really sucks, but it is what the treatment means and how in-your-face it makes it. I find it painful to see this person who has always been so big and strong in my mind, so not big and strong anymore. It hurts knowing they're going through this and that it can't be fixed.

I'm trying to be there for my kids and for my unwell and well people as much as I can and I'm struggling with that. I am struggling with feeling like I could be doing more and that I am failing at a lot of things (at everything). So annoyingly, I also feel really alone right now. I'm wishing there was someone here to catch me spinning and to help me work out what's actually important and what actually needs doing. At the end of the days especially, I am thinking of how good it would have been to have someone to tag team with, to hug and to be able to tell that sometimes, even though I might look like I have my stuff together, I can feel so freaking sad and anything but together. I really miss my old friends and my old village when I feel like this and I feel angry that we had to leave. I feel angry at a lot of stuff and I have trouble not snapping because of it.

I'm a bit all over the place and this is why I think. It will pass but it doesn't feel so good right now.

Thank you to anyone who sat through that novel.

[Snowie]

Hi @CheerBear 

Firstly it wasn't a novel!!

It sounds like there is a lot of tricky moments in your life at the moment and you are trying to keep it together for all involved.

You are a caring loving mother hun, please remember that.

Please also remember that you are doing the best you can for your LF and for the unwell one. Sitting with you through all your tricky moments 

You know you will always have our support. I know thats not the same as in real life however.

Lots of  and hugs

[Maggie]

@CheerBear  I’m sitting with you too in all the tricky, sticky, yukky stuff. Wishing I could do more. But I’m hearing you and so much pain mixed into and around tricky stuff.

Keep talking if it helps unraveling some messy stuff.

Tricky head hear today, so really getting what you write.💕💜💕☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️

[Zoe7]

You have so much going on @CheerBear and so much to deal with. That all would take its toll on anyone let a lone a single Mum with their own MH issues. You are doing the absolute best you can Hon - that is evident from what nyou write here. It may feel like you are failing at so many turns but from where I am sitting you are actually succeeding. Your LF are safe and happy, you are taking unwell person to their treatments and supporting them through this, you are volunteering and you are putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day. None of that is failing at all CB but it is tiring. It would be so nice for you to have someone to share some of this heavy responsibility with but alone you are still doing it and that is all you can ask of yourself.

So very much hearing how hard it all is though Hon and sitting right with you. Love and hugs 

[eth]

I'm here for you too @CheerBear   

[Faith-and-Hope]

@CheerBear 💕

[outlander]

@CheerBear

[Gazza75]

@CheerBear