BPD and violence - helping after you leave?

[soul]

Hey @Determined, thanks for your empathy. It certainly has been a struggle. If it hadn't been for the physical violence, I could have stayed in the relationship even with the emotional turmoil I endured. I thought the lashing out was part of the condition but it eventually became apparent he did have control over who he targeted and where he committed these awful acts. 

The sad part is that the times in between were so beautiful and I miss that person. We did everything together and had so many common interests. I wish I could have done more and I anguish about how things might have been different. There was no way that I could have established boundaries. These assaults came out of literally nowhere and I was unable to remove myself from the situation during these times. Once when I sensed some tension arising, I left whilst he was out which absolutely devastated him due to his intense abandonment issues. After a couple of months and assurances from him that he had everything under control, I returned only to be subject to gross physical abuse just three weeks later. That's when I knew I could never trust him again. After making so many promises and appearing to be so calm, he exploded and it shocked me to the core. I am struggling with grief and loss and anger. 

He says he is trying to "win me back" It's not easy to just switch off all feelings but I have told him that there is no future for us. I have been sending him literature and encouraging him in his treatment which for once he seems to be taking seriously. A bit over a week ago, I suggested that to enable any change, he needed to take responsibility for his behaviour. He had frequently minimised his behaviour always making up excuses. This time he promised to truthfully write to me about what he did on the last occasion, acknowledging the effect it had on me. Well, I'm still waiting for that email 😔

[soul]

An update - my ex said he would send me an email about what he had done (in order to take responsibility for his actions) and would put his heart and soul into it. He did three days later in the form of a couple of lines which included scant detail this minimising the whole incident. I messaged back saying that I was totally underwhelmed to which he replied that he would try again and I'd receive in in a couple of days at the most. These two days passed and he again communicated with me this time saying that it was almost done and that he was missing me and wanting my trust back. 

Well that was more than a week ago and I have had no contact at all with him. I messaged and emailed a simple "Are you okay?" No response. So now my mind is working overtime wondering what is going on? I don't think he would have harmed himself in any way as I have never seen any evidence of that. Perhaps he's checked himself into a facility. Maybe he's moved on. The not knowing is making me anxious. Although the relationship was fraught with problems and ended badly, it's hard to just stop caring. 

@Determined@Spookytookims@Former-Member@Former-Member@Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope@Anony18@Shaz51@Former-Member@Former-Member Is it just a waiting game and if there's no reply, just assume and hope he is okay? 

[Former-Member]

Hi @soul.  I am really sorry you are currently going through all this emotional torment.

Of course you still care, you cant just turn that off at will.  You still care for him as a person, but not his actions, you still want the good parts of the relationship, but not the bad.  Unfortunately it is impossible to have that.

I know its really hard to let go, as the emotional ties are still strong and you need to know he is okay.  Your concern for him is admirable and understandable.  Is there anybody else you could contact just to check that he is basically okay - a friend, family member, neighbour who could check in on him?  That may allay your fears and allow you to rest a little easier.

Thinking of you.

Sherry x

[soul]

Unfortunately @Former-Member, there isn't anyone else that could check on him. He just moved to another country and I don't even know his address. Only have his email and phone contact. I tried ringing but can't get through. I know he was under the care of a psychiatrist and was seeing a psychologist. He was also participating in a men's counselling group. 

It's very atypical of him to refrain from communication like this unless it was forced on him.  

[Faith-and-Hope]

I think you will need to leave it to those support services then @soul ....

I imagine the apology was much, much harder for him to write when it came down to it, and perhaps his communication skills (emotional communication) aren't the best anyway ....

I know from my hubby that that doesn't mean he is lacking in sensitivity, he is just unable to express it ..... my kids tell me cos their genetics give them an insiders view on how his brain works ..... and the fact that they (him and the kids) have a tendency to turn their pain in on themselves rather than communicate it and impact on others .....

At least with what has happened with their dad they can see how damaging that can be.

While there are medical and support services in the equation, no other friends or family around him that you can call on, and the fact that he is overseas means you really need to just let it sit and see what comes of it all, I think.

Hugs for how you are feeling @soul .... it is tough because you do care ....

💜🌷

[Determined]

Hi @soul, thinking of you at the moment
Always here to listen when you need to talk although it is hard to know what to way in situations like this 😞  I think @Former-Member and @Faith-and-Hope have expressed my thoughts far better than I could put in to words at the moment.

I would agree with @Faith-and-Hope that possibly reflecting on the apology may have been hard to do for him, I know how hard it is for my darling and I have had to let things go recently that have hurt me deeply (still a work in progress) due to her refusal to discuss events or accept her role in poor decisions made (totally different circumstance and I don't mean to minimise your situation), this I see as the BPD not necessarily my darling as a person, it is always hard to know the difference but for me it helps.

I suppose what I am trying to say is continue to cherish the good times and identify the lack of response with the not so good aspects of the BPD. That does little to reduce your worry I know but may hopefully help with some healing.    

I hope I have not said too much or the wrong thing, I don't want to offend or cause further hurt, my heart is to help in some way .

[soul]

@Faith-and-Hope - his communication skills are excellent - emotional intelligence not so good at all. He was concerned that if he did write down these things, I would say to him - "Look how bad it is" 

I fully know how bad it was. I just wanted some honesty from him and by doing this, I feel he can work on changing his behaviour which can only be good for him down the track with all interactions he has.

From Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?"

[soul]

I appreciate your empathy and insight @Determined. Just wondering what his commitment to treatment will be if he is in denial of what he did? There is goodness in him and his gentleness was what attracted me to him but when he chooses to act with violence, it's not a good situation.

Now, I'm wondering if he is alive or dead or just missing in action. I have to admit that I miss him but I don't miss the fear and need to constantly watch what I said and did.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Not being able to respond to you with a lengthy apology via email doesn't mean he's in denial of it @soul .... it just might mean that his ability to communicate that is frozen .... that is what the psych and psych need to work out with him ....

I agree that it's horrible not knowing .....

Now, you look after yourself, y'hear .... ?❣

[soul]

An apology @Faith-and-Hope can be given but that may not mean that the person responsible is really sorry. What is important here as a first step is an admission of what he did and has done in the past. It's like something bad would happen and he would minimise it or pretend it never happened. Even rationalising his stance by saying there's nothing to be gained from living in the past. He would often say he was sorry but never say what he was sorry for. And then there were frequent times when it was a case of "I'm sorry but you  ...." 

However actions speak louder than words and if he keeps doing what he did time and time again, I suppose those apologies don't mean a thing.